
Welcome to The Bachelorette! So I'm not sure if any of you know this, but last season on Jason Mesnick's self-indulgent ego trip nicknamed "The Bachelor," there was a spunky little Canadian maple leaf named Jillian. Jillian had a theory that she could tell what kind of person a guy is by what he puts on his hot dog. She also said "oat," instead of "out," and "a-gane," instead of "again." She bounced her way to the final three, but was given the shaft so that Jason could go back and forth between Melissa and Molly in front of America. So Jillian actually ended up being the lucky one, even though she was DEFINITELY falling in love and could ABSOLUTELY see herself being with Jason for the rest of her life. She trudged back to gloomy Toronto and wondered what is wrong with her that she wasn't the chosen one.

Well, as has become bad habit on this franchise, the discarded one has returned to take charge! This time Jillian will be doing the choosing, and darn it, it's going to end well. To prove it, she tosses a red beret up in the air. She tells us that she's not a princess and she's not drop dead gorgeous, but she thinks she's cute and has a huge heart, so she should be able to find someone, right? Wrong. Does she regret going on "The Bachelor?" Never. She put her heart oat there and learned from it.
Moving along from Toronto to Los Angeles, Jillian immediately begins working out. And when she's not working out, she's dancing in her bikini. That's how everyone in LA lives, didn't you know? Then she hand washes a convertible in high heels. That's just another Saturday for me folks, I don't know about YOUR unsexy lives.
Now let's take a look at the 25 guys who are here to start a career in show business win Jillian's love. First of is Kiptyn (Krypton?) and he tells us something very unusual: he works really hard and puts in the time at his job so that he can play hard as well, meaning surf with his wetsuit hanging down around his waist to show us his very well-defined abs. Yes, Krypton. We all work hard so that we can play hard (or sleep hard, in my case), this is the American way.

Next we meet Michael, who is 25 and WHITE BREAD. He is a teacher in East Harlem, but lest you think he doesn't fit in, don't you worry - he's also a break dancing instructor. There is a huge PART of him that is a one-woman man. Now there's something every girl wants to hear.

Oh here comes Julien (spelled wrong) and he is a thrill seeker, y'all! He jumps out of airplanes and speeds in a red sports car. He is a restaurateur, so perhaps he is the inventor of the "julienned" vegetable, who knows? Basically I think that Julien feels like he has something to prove.

And please meet Stephen, who recently finished law school. He lives in New York City and we see him asking for sauerkraut from a hot dog vendor. I have to take a moment here and quote Jillian from last season: "Once you're krote, you're oat." Yes, I know she said a few minutes ago that she doesn't care about her hot dog theory anymore, but this can not bode well for Stephen. He tries to hit on a girl who walks passed, but she totally ignores him - even with his camera crew.

Juan lives in LA, which we can tell before he ever says it because the first shot we get of him is him doing push-ups on the beach. Remember what I said about working out or dancing in a bathing suit? Juan is from Argentina, but he runs the family contracting business now with his mother. We see his mother presenting him with cupcakes, but he's not about to waste those beach push-ups! You're on your own, madre!

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Comments (16)
I believe Jillian is from Vancouver, not Toronto.
:-)
.. just thought I'd also mention that not all Canadians pronounce 'again' as 'a-gayn', or 'out' as 'oat'.
It's common, but not always characteristic of Canadian speech.
Heh, I've heard some Canadians say 'out' like 'ewt'.
1 of 16 | Posted by Key Player | Posted on May 22, 2009 10:19 AM
Hi, Honey! Great recap, given what you had to work with. Footsie Boy? Ew. How was that guy not setting off the alarm bells because I was hearing bells, whistles, sirens and cow horns of "STOP. DESIST. TOSS THIS MAN TO THE CURB. HE WILL TOTALLY STEAL YOUR SOCKS." You know, I can handle the guy who occasionally wants to dress up in frilly nothings and prance around; wanting to worship feet is totally outside my realm of understanding, unless the feet are encompassed in Louboutin's Dillon pumps. And Brian, the guy who called her Hot Tub Harris? He's like an overgrown frat boy, which is worse than a foot fetish.
Did she not keep the winery guy? He was cute, well-spoken, not kitchish and his family owned a vineyard. Come on, that's practically stable in the Bachelorette Universe!
Instead, she keeps the guy who threw her a baseball and called her a great catch. I'm sure it took him years to perfect that line, too. I would get that ball disinfected.
2 of 16 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on May 22, 2009 12:23 PM
Thanks, Key Player! That "again/a-gayn" was keeping me awake at night.
I understand that the word "pedantic" is pronounced at least six different ways in Pakistan.
3 of 16 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on May 22, 2009 1:50 PM
All Tanner P. needs is a pencil mustache and he'd be John Waters. Early John Waters. From the Desperate Living Era. The same guy who filmed Divine scooping up a pile of dog shit and eating it.
I was disappointed that the token nebish was cut since he seems like the only funny one of the bunch. Oh wait, sorry, a bit of stereotyping there. Pretty good line at the end though: "Maybe she just doesn't like awesome?" Sucks for him that he doesn't actually believe it.
Hard to believe she kept Hot Tub Harris... Maybe she likes to be spanked? The guy's already verbally abusing her and they've only spoken for five minutes.
I actually liked Jillian from last season. I'm sure this season will destroy that sentiment.
4 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 22, 2009 1:53 PM
Yes, I for one am definitely watching. Do you realize that BRAD is the one who started all of this? DeAnna was his reject, then she rejected Jason, who rejected Jillian. I wonder which of these weirdos will be the next Bachelor.
I was personally insulted when they subtitled the Engligh speaking dude. That's a new low, Disney.
Such a funny recap - I loved it.
5 of 16 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on May 22, 2009 3:06 PM
BTW - that screen capture of Jill's face at the rose ceremony is awesome. She made that face EVERYTIME she called a dude's name.
6 of 16 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on May 22, 2009 3:10 PM
I watched this just so I could follow the recaps, sadly, I was sooooo overwhelmed by the extreme number of Loosahs here that I shall have to watch again.
I think Krypton, Pilot, and maybe Juan in final group. Just first impression. Can't tell who makes her cry with his cheating ways.
Simon was learch-ish, like Adams Family, couldn't believe she kept him, or Hot Tub--ew!!! There were a lot of voice overs that were making me leary of the men gathered there, but they were off screen going into commercial . . .
Billbro . . . really, and Wes seems like a total douche, bet he's the one with a GF.
Love your cap of the break dancer, I was hearing a slight ping on the ole gaydar, but just slight.
I bet the foot guy is a plant for fun and ratings, and she's in on the joke . . .
Still like her so far, and yes, she was amazing at making the exact same face all the way through the rose ceremony.
Thanks for taking on this extra long and bloated season, Honey!!! You're a giver!!!
7 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 22, 2009 3:35 PM
I wasn't going to watch this season, i just tuned it for a few minutes, and this crapfest sucked me in again! i dont know what it is, but its good tv junk food. arggh!
A few things...
-do we really need to listen to her ask will you accept this rose? every time? so retarded
- Juan is creepy. And why is he saying he's from Argentina when he came to the US when he was 2? He's trying to play it up, its so lame. reminded me of Donna Chang on Seinfeld, liking the idea of people thinking you are worldly or something
- Jake is hot, unless he has some dead beat personality like that one half asian looking guy from Deanna's season, he should win
-2 Tanners? Really?
- Does David have dentures? gross
anyway, love your recaps!
8 of 16 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on May 22, 2009 3:38 PM
Honey, Honey, HONEY!! I swore never to watch tv trash again, but here I am, sucked into watching this horrible-like-a-trainwreck show.
The best part of all this? Honey G's recaps!! I watch so that I can howl along with the rest of your readers.
Helicoter rides!!!! LOL
9 of 16 | Posted by sassysimo | Posted on May 22, 2009 3:39 PM
Not only are these guys loosahs but most of them aren't even that attractive. I'm not picky but...bleahh.
I'm a little worried about Jillian's taste in men. After all, she "loved" Jason. And now the "Hot Tub Harris" guy. He wouldn't have even made it to the end if he'd said that to me. I'd have kicked his disrespectful ass out of there.
I think Jesse (the winery guy, and she did keep him), and Jake (the pilot)might be keepers. Maybe the non-douchey Brian...oh, she ditched him, didn't she? Hmmm.
I'm suspicious of anybody who has any connection to showbiz, so the break dancer and the musician would be no-gos for me. And a soccer coach...after Coach on "Survivor"? No way.
10 of 16 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 23, 2009 9:15 PM
What happened to having "older guys" as contestants? I thought Jillian liked the more mature dudes. Isn't she about 30 or so? Some of these guys are in their early 20s!
Maybe the older guys have too much sense, or pride, to go on a show like this. They used to have older guys, didn't they? Like Byron.
11 of 16 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 23, 2009 9:17 PM
welcometothepartypal -
The reason why she asks everyone if they'll accept the rose is because the show needs consent from each 'bachelor' in moving forth in the competition. There was a show in 2000 called "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" where some douche named Rick Rockwell picked a woman to marry without even seeing him. The controversy was that she didn't have the opportunity to not partake after a few rounds. So to avoid being sued, disney wants everyone's consent.
And the reason why someone who came to America at 2 would still hold on to their birth country's cultural identity is because even though that guy is probably very Americanized, he grew up in a household where his parents are Argentinian and raised him with those customs, most likely. Plus he probably has family in Argentina, and likely visited there, which does make him wordly.
12 of 16 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on May 24, 2009 9:08 AM
Not all, but some, initial things that come to mind:
Two Tanners...this place is out of control - think I am an aspiring Canadian as well (and that's bad).
Jake seems very needy and thus creepy. He made be feel nervous. did you know that he is a pilot.
I like Jillian (last season and so far), she truly seems like a normal person.
She must have SOME taste to have gotten rid of that Billbo. He was the most doucebaggish tool I have seen in a long time. At least she saw that right away.
second runner-up douchbaggy tool, the restaurateur is still around though.
No token black or Asian guy.
NotWithoutMyTV, I think I love you. I also lost a lot of sleep over that one.
13 of 16 | Posted by bitchristine | Posted on May 24, 2009 10:32 AM
I have only watched one season of this show and that was the season where Trista was the Bachelorette - I believe that she was the one who started the whole "reject is the next Bachelor/ette" thing.
But anyway, I was planning to watch this, being Canadian myself, and then I just kept on living my life. The recap was good though.
Also, after repeating the words "again", "out" and "about" to myself, I have realized that I too say a-gane and oat. About, however, is not a-boat or a-boot. Fascinating, isn't it?
14 of 16 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 24, 2009 8:14 PM
Thanks for the "index" cheat-sheet at the end. Helps me to tell the generic brands apart.
15 of 16 | Posted by jiggyrodents | Posted on May 26, 2009 12:50 PM
Former Bachelorette Trista Sutter is now blogging exclusively for E! Online's blog "Watch with Kristin."
Every week read Trista's thoughts on the latest episode!
Go to E! Online and click on Watch with Kristin. Enjoy!
16 of 16 | Posted by kmaryh13 | Posted on June 2, 2009 4:28 PM