So here we go again getting into another season of The Bachelorette! ABC has, of course, chosen to extend the show into an excruciating two hours yet once again, but have no fear! If you can not stomach it, just tune in to read about how I couldn't stomach it either. Let's go!
This week when Jillian wakes up in her Mansion of Desperation, she has to pinch herself to make sure that this fairy-tale-come-to-life is actually happening to her. Yes you are living in the Disney mansion. Yes there are 20 attention-starved guys staying nearby under the guise of courting you. Yes your humiliation will be splattered all over America's television sets. Aren't you excited, Jillian? And why aren't you working out? This is LA!
The guys are introduced to their living quarters, which is the barracks from DeAnna's season resurrected with rows upon rows of twin beds with brown quilts on them and of course, the outdoor shower. Michael the break dancer is chagrined, and Juan tells him he should just leave. Chris Harrison arrives to call the boys to order and tell them how it's going to go down this week. There will be three dates: two group dates and one one-on-one date. There will be one rose up for grabs on each group date, and the questionably lucky one-on-one dater will either receive a rose or be sent packing, based on Jillian's whims. Also, as in seasons past, if you receive a rose you get to move out of the barracks and into the mansion with Jillian... until the next Rose Ceremony. Not everyone will go on a date this week and apparently this show has done away completely with the glorious Date Boxes of yore and Chris pulls out a dinky Date Card and leaves it on the pool table for them.
Misspelled Mathue grabs the Date Card and reads it as if he's reading his own execution order. Cheer up, Mathue! This is true love! Here's what the card says: "Michael, Brian, Brad, Sasha, Tanner P., Wes, Ed, Mathue... the fun starts at my place, boys." Apparently it's a pool party because they all get in their swim trunks and trot up the road to where Jillian is lying out in a bikini and sweater (?!).
When she stands up Brian goes, "What's up you little hottie?" Ew. He really needs to stop with those sudden outbursts. Anyway, we've seen this all before - at this very pool, in fact. There is the applying of sun block, there is water volleyball, there is cannon balling. It's all very exciting. Michael the break dancer takes Jillian away for some alone time. He tells her that she smelled and looked incredible last night and then Jillian tells him she has to go, gets up and walks away, telling him to stay there. She parades past the other guys and scoops up the rose and her sandals, but then instead of taking the rose to Michael, she puts on her fedora, hops into a waiting car and takes off. The guys are all baffled - especially Michael who thought he was sitting pretty.
Chris Harrison arrives and announces that the pool party is over! But the (amazing) race for Jillian's heart is just beginning. They will be split up into teams of two and sent on a mad dash all over LA to locate the bachelorette. When they complete their mission, Jillian will pick one member of the winning team to have dinner with. In the front yard are their team assignments and their first clue. Go! Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Amazing Race. Sure enough, there are four cars parked with the teams labeled on the windshields. In front of each car is a bucket FULL of keys and the guys have to go through the keys until they find the one that opens a lock box sitting next to the bucket. Inside the lock box is the key that starts the car. One team gets impatient and smashes their lock box on the concrete. Will they incur a 30 minute penalty at the Pit Stop? When all the teams get underway my favorite team becomes obvious: Break Dancing Michael and Foot Fetish Tanner P. These two guys are in love with each other. They're driving around shirtless in their tiny car and enjoying it way too much. They bounce around screaming then covering their mouths and giggling. The homoerotic tension is palpable.
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Comments (10)
great recap! I found Tanner P and Michael absolutely hilarious, they definitely have a bromance going on :)
1 of 10 | Posted by pixyamiga | Posted on May 29, 2009 12:34 PM
First off, your screen caps on the first page with Tanner and the other guy cracked me up!
Secondly, I'm already annoyed with Jillian.
I think I managed to watch an hour, and normally, I stomach the entire 2 hour episodes.
She is so set on proving she's a party 24/7. Yeah - that's real.
And don't even get me started on the accent.
Was anyone else surprised by her picking Brad? Blech.
I guess Jake is my top pick at this point. But then again, I didn't watch the 2nd half.
Thanks for sitting through 2-hours of non-sense to bring us this recap. I pity you!
2 of 10 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:07 PM
Hilarious!
"He tries on a couple of shirts and then gets totally carried away and jumps out of the dressing room in a fur trimmed vest making gun signs with both hands. Why, Jake, why?"
When i read this part i was eating a chip, it made me laugh out loud, which cause a small piece of chip to be lodged in my keyboard. Ah, but it was worth it.
I change my mind about Jake, he's a tool. I'm surprised you didnt comment on how he kissed her right in the middle of her sentence, and his mouth was all open, it grossed me out.
Speaking of kissing, isnt she going a bit quickly with that? She basically kisses every guys he has a one one one convo with.
And how about that kiss with Krypton, she totally started it and it was awwwkward!
And Wes is a creep.
ok thanks!!
3 of 10 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:20 PM
well I guess my heart is not totally busted and jaded, I actually thought the Jake date was fun and sexy, tho I was surprised we weren't subjected to the cap of her trying to pull out his pants while belting him. I always like seeing evidence of her being a horny slutina!!!
and yes, welcomettpp, she's coming on strong in all those ways, making them strip, tempting them to run in speedos to the (I doubt very clean or safe) venice beach ocean.
My picks of Jake, krypton and Juan were a little better than I thought--I'm just so proud of how I can see right through this overwrought trainwreck of a reality show . . . as I'm sure my mom would be too!
Mike is looking hot bodied in that one piece cap . . . I also think Ed looks hunky . . . wes is a complete tool.
HATE.
can't wait to see him walk! Serenading her, erm yeah, he's totally doing that out of love for her, and totally not for his fans in mexico . . .
Really glad she sent light switch packing, now she must see through fire eyes and his gaybashing, hate tendencies . . .
Thanks ever so much Honey!!! Good call on the gayest team ever--they were too much for me . . . bipolar anyone, or at least manic (sans depressive)
Also agree on Brad "the brains of the operation" if he's so smart, couldn't he see she would pick the hot one to dine in her safe with . . . I'm just sayin'
4 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:47 PM
Okay, so now I know how Jillian's going to make me hate her before the end of the season: those goddamn cutsey scrunchy faces she keeps making.
And that stupid Amazing Race segment...what was the point of that? No doubt Wes's team was helped along the way to make sure he got there first. They know he's a douche, so they want to make sure he gets plenty of time with her so that he 'breaks her heart' for the ratings.
Besides, we already know Jillian's type, since she "fell in lurve" with that douchey should-be-gay douchebag Jason. So it stands to reason that she'll choose Guano at the end, doesn't it? He comes closest to meeting the wussy sensitive don't-ask-don't-tell model.
Although Jake's definitely got that over-eager twinkie thing going.
Dave would probably be happier on Daisy of Love. Man code, indeed.
5 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 29, 2009 2:08 PM
Yeah, I think we are in for a big ol' trainwreck. I hope so, anyway.
This girl has some bad taste in men. Keeping Tanner P. after finding out he's creepy? Keeping Michael? Keeping Wes? Well, I guess it's no surprise since she was "in love" with Jason, as itchy so astutely observed.
This is the problem with using a castoff from a previous show. Of course, I don't think any of the others had quite the horrible taste in men (or women) that our girl Jillian has.
6 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 30, 2009 6:51 PM
"Coyote Awkward"
LOVED that!
I'm also in love with how you've been able to subtly throw a few heavily accented words oat and aboat here and there, it's totally charming. Awesome job, Honey, keep it up!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Personally I'd have snagged a stranger's Speedo with no hesitation at all, but I'm just weird like that.
7 of 10 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 1, 2009 10:14 AM
Does anyone else think Juan bears a strong resemblance to David Arquette?
8 of 10 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on June 1, 2009 12:29 PM
I hate them all, but I hope Kiptyn stays around until 'meet the parents night' because I'd like to see the kind of people who would name their kid Kiptyn.
9 of 10 | Posted by NegativeNancy | Posted on June 1, 2009 1:08 PM
lovin' it HoneyG...
"The homoerotic tension is palpable."
That WES guy sucks a lot. He reminds me of that other "bad boy" from Deanna's season - another tall, skinny dude from the south with messed-up hair that had some kind of product to sell, just like WES. Typically these girls aren't seeing through the con job.
The guy was that "pro basketball player" - even his mother was like run as fast as you can away!
Jillian is still not bugging me that much though and i usually have strong opinions on all these tools on these shows. For example, I LOATHED Jason on the Bachelorette and couldn't believe he became The Bachelor. He was about as exciting as a turd and whiny as a little bitch from the moments I laid eyes on him and then they picked him for the Bach. Pleeeeeeese. And that Deanna sucks balls so bad, I can't stand her ass either and never could even back when she was on the show with Brad. But Jillian, she seems alright to me.
10 of 10 | Posted by bitchristine | Posted on June 3, 2009 10:06 AM