In the vault Jillian wants to know if Wes is a relationship guy. Oh great, here comes the age old conversation about how it works when a free spirited artist is in a relationship but has to travel the world promoting his gift. And of course Wes says that the girl has to be very secure and know who she is, blah, blah, blah. Jillian swallows this like it is a new revelation. Chalk one up for The Rooster. They kiss and it turns out that all of the guys who lost the race are watching all of this on a miniscule TV monitor out in some other room. And they are less than pleased. Then Jillian busts out the rose and Wes is moving into the mansion!

The next morning Jake packs his bags in preparation for his grand one-on-one. Jillian hobbles down to the barracks in black flapper dress and huge red cowboy boots. That driveway is a killer. DeAnna always had trouble walking down it in her high heels, too. Just for Jake she has worn her pilot wings on her flapper dress.

She drives him off in her purple convertible. Wes stands in front of the mansion watching them and looking very forlorn. First stop is some western wear shop where Jake is to purchase a new outfit. He tries on a couple of shirts and then gets totally carried away and jumps out of the dressing room in a fur trimmed vest making gun signs with both hands. Why, Jake, why?

He unbuttons his shirt and he's crossing over from dork territory into porn star territory. Button it up, Jake. He ends up with a super-dork shirt that is black with white roses embroidered onto it. And dressed in this fine apparel, they head over to the House of Blues. Oh yes, that's definitely a spot for redneck wear. They missed the Saddle Ranch by about half a block. Anyway, per Bachelor tradition, the venue is totally empty and thus there is no atmosphere, no energy - just an empty building, yippee. Seizing the moment, Jillian hops up on the bar and does a one woman show for her one man audience. The music goes all stripper-cowgirl. Time to unbutton that top again, Jake. This is quite embarrassing - even for me, sitting fully clothed in my pajamas on the couch.

They do a little two-stepping and sit down at a table to eat. Jake is really laying it on thick, talking about all of the globetrotting dates they might go on should they end up together. The quote that takes the cake, however, is Jake saying, "I really think that there is a spark that could quite possibly turn into a flame that could quite possibly turn into love, and quite possibly turn into marriage." Quite possibly.
At home the third and final Date Card has arrived. Mike reads it out. "Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Krypton and Juan. If you want to be with me, you have to play ball."
Jillian and Jake are still yapping - this time about how utterly spontaneous they both are - and just when you think this date is never going to end, the bar opens up into a stage and there is Martina McBride to give them a solo performance! I just love going to concerts where there is no audience. These two twirl around giggling and then Jillian gives Jake the rose. He talks like she just had his baby. This is seriously one of the most hyperbolic guys I've ever seen. Anyway, Wes is getting a roommate at the mansion.
And the next morning Jillian tells us that today she planned a "guy's date." They caravan down to Venice Beach and walk onto a basketball court. She divides them into teams and makes one team take their shirts off (naturally). David very humbly claims to be the most athletic guy in the house. Yeah, lucky for you that Billbro-the-fitness-model went home last week, David. Also, isn't Mathue a personal trainer? Simon (the soccer coach) is awful - hello, he's from England - and he says he's "roobish" at basketball. That's adorable, and I'd like to thank ABC for not subtitling it for me. I'd like to point out here that despite having moved to America at the age of two, Juan is wearing short shorts and can't play basketball for crap. I guess he should stick to those volleyball pushups on the beach. He picks Jillian up to help her make a basket and then drops her. Very smooth.

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Comments (10)
great recap! I found Tanner P and Michael absolutely hilarious, they definitely have a bromance going on :)
1 of 10 | Posted by pixyamiga | Posted on May 29, 2009 12:34 PM
First off, your screen caps on the first page with Tanner and the other guy cracked me up!
Secondly, I'm already annoyed with Jillian.
I think I managed to watch an hour, and normally, I stomach the entire 2 hour episodes.
She is so set on proving she's a party 24/7. Yeah - that's real.
And don't even get me started on the accent.
Was anyone else surprised by her picking Brad? Blech.
I guess Jake is my top pick at this point. But then again, I didn't watch the 2nd half.
Thanks for sitting through 2-hours of non-sense to bring us this recap. I pity you!
2 of 10 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:07 PM
Hilarious!
"He tries on a couple of shirts and then gets totally carried away and jumps out of the dressing room in a fur trimmed vest making gun signs with both hands. Why, Jake, why?"
When i read this part i was eating a chip, it made me laugh out loud, which cause a small piece of chip to be lodged in my keyboard. Ah, but it was worth it.
I change my mind about Jake, he's a tool. I'm surprised you didnt comment on how he kissed her right in the middle of her sentence, and his mouth was all open, it grossed me out.
Speaking of kissing, isnt she going a bit quickly with that? She basically kisses every guys he has a one one one convo with.
And how about that kiss with Krypton, she totally started it and it was awwwkward!
And Wes is a creep.
ok thanks!!
3 of 10 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:20 PM
well I guess my heart is not totally busted and jaded, I actually thought the Jake date was fun and sexy, tho I was surprised we weren't subjected to the cap of her trying to pull out his pants while belting him. I always like seeing evidence of her being a horny slutina!!!
and yes, welcomettpp, she's coming on strong in all those ways, making them strip, tempting them to run in speedos to the (I doubt very clean or safe) venice beach ocean.
My picks of Jake, krypton and Juan were a little better than I thought--I'm just so proud of how I can see right through this overwrought trainwreck of a reality show . . . as I'm sure my mom would be too!
Mike is looking hot bodied in that one piece cap . . . I also think Ed looks hunky . . . wes is a complete tool.
HATE.
can't wait to see him walk! Serenading her, erm yeah, he's totally doing that out of love for her, and totally not for his fans in mexico . . .
Really glad she sent light switch packing, now she must see through fire eyes and his gaybashing, hate tendencies . . .
Thanks ever so much Honey!!! Good call on the gayest team ever--they were too much for me . . . bipolar anyone, or at least manic (sans depressive)
Also agree on Brad "the brains of the operation" if he's so smart, couldn't he see she would pick the hot one to dine in her safe with . . . I'm just sayin'
4 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:47 PM
Okay, so now I know how Jillian's going to make me hate her before the end of the season: those goddamn cutsey scrunchy faces she keeps making.
And that stupid Amazing Race segment...what was the point of that? No doubt Wes's team was helped along the way to make sure he got there first. They know he's a douche, so they want to make sure he gets plenty of time with her so that he 'breaks her heart' for the ratings.
Besides, we already know Jillian's type, since she "fell in lurve" with that douchey should-be-gay douchebag Jason. So it stands to reason that she'll choose Guano at the end, doesn't it? He comes closest to meeting the wussy sensitive don't-ask-don't-tell model.
Although Jake's definitely got that over-eager twinkie thing going.
Dave would probably be happier on Daisy of Love. Man code, indeed.
5 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 29, 2009 2:08 PM
Yeah, I think we are in for a big ol' trainwreck. I hope so, anyway.
This girl has some bad taste in men. Keeping Tanner P. after finding out he's creepy? Keeping Michael? Keeping Wes? Well, I guess it's no surprise since she was "in love" with Jason, as itchy so astutely observed.
This is the problem with using a castoff from a previous show. Of course, I don't think any of the others had quite the horrible taste in men (or women) that our girl Jillian has.
6 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 30, 2009 6:51 PM
"Coyote Awkward"
LOVED that!
I'm also in love with how you've been able to subtly throw a few heavily accented words oat and aboat here and there, it's totally charming. Awesome job, Honey, keep it up!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Personally I'd have snagged a stranger's Speedo with no hesitation at all, but I'm just weird like that.
7 of 10 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 1, 2009 10:14 AM
Does anyone else think Juan bears a strong resemblance to David Arquette?
8 of 10 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on June 1, 2009 12:29 PM
I hate them all, but I hope Kiptyn stays around until 'meet the parents night' because I'd like to see the kind of people who would name their kid Kiptyn.
9 of 10 | Posted by NegativeNancy | Posted on June 1, 2009 1:08 PM
lovin' it HoneyG...
"The homoerotic tension is palpable."
That WES guy sucks a lot. He reminds me of that other "bad boy" from Deanna's season - another tall, skinny dude from the south with messed-up hair that had some kind of product to sell, just like WES. Typically these girls aren't seeing through the con job.
The guy was that "pro basketball player" - even his mother was like run as fast as you can away!
Jillian is still not bugging me that much though and i usually have strong opinions on all these tools on these shows. For example, I LOATHED Jason on the Bachelorette and couldn't believe he became The Bachelor. He was about as exciting as a turd and whiny as a little bitch from the moments I laid eyes on him and then they picked him for the Bach. Pleeeeeeese. And that Deanna sucks balls so bad, I can't stand her ass either and never could even back when she was on the show with Brad. But Jillian, she seems alright to me.
10 of 10 | Posted by bitchristine | Posted on June 3, 2009 10:06 AM