Jillian announces a new game in which the guys will play against her and some of her friends... who happen to be the Harlem Globetrotters. Even David, the master athlete, doesn't possibly stand a chance. Sure enough, the guys are slaughtered. And some of them kind of take it personally. One of the Globetrotters lifts Jillian up for a basket - then doesn't drop her - but leaves her hanging on the rim. The guys all just stand there staring until finally Juan runs up and helps her down. The rest of the guys kick themselves for being such retards. To finish things off, the Globetrotters pick who they think is best for Jillian and they pick David. Why? No one knows.

Later they all walk down to sit on the beach and watch the sunset. Jillian sees a guy in a Speedo and says that if one of the bachelors would go get that guy's bathing suit and run into the ocean, she would call it good right now. Well guess what. Mike does it. First of all - gross. Some gross guy's gross Speedo. Secondly - a Speedo, sick. Inexplicably, Jillian says this melted her heart. I guess he's spontaneous. Much like Jake, the spontaneous pilot.

As if this date hasn't gone on long enough, everyone changes into their nice clothes and heads to the Viceroy hotel lounge. Simon brings everyone shots and then Jillian takes Juan away for some alone time. David is appalled because he claims that Juan dumped out his shot instead of drinking it, but then made a big deal about acting like he drank it. I rewound this several times and I honestly can't tell, but seriously, who cares? David does. He says it's disrespectful and that Juan should be beaten. Okay, relax. He didn't drink the shot, big deal. Worry about yourself, David. Krypton gets alone time next and Jillian starts asking him about his dating past and it turns out that Krypton has never had his heart broken. Is he human? No, he is Krypton. That's just weird. Anyone who has never had their heart broken has never opened up their heart. Or is from Krypton. Well, he gets a kiss. In fact, Jillian says that she forgets everything when she's with Krypton and just wants to make out with him. Kryptonite (you knew that was coming). Jillian rejoins the group and gives Mike the rose for being Spontaneous in a Speedo. Then Mike and Jillian spontaneously jump in the pool together.

It's Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Time! I shall give you the highlights.
Mike, Jake and Wes are smug because they already have roses and have been staying in the mansion.
Tanner P. claims that his goal for the evening is to get up close and personal with Jillian's feet... again. Jillian starts to catch on that this is not normal. Or attractive.
Jesse tells Jillian that he had an opportunity to go and live in Italy in a small town outside of Venice to study wine, but when he heard that Jillian was the Bachelorette, he turned down Italy to come here. You will be sorry, Jesse, when you are taking your Ride of Shame. You gave up Italy for this? Well, maybe it will pay off as a marketing venture for your wine business. Carry on.
Robby, a bartender, makes Jillian his signature drink, the Rosmo (oh boy) and then tries for one-on-one time, but is filibustered by Wes, who wants more alone time despite already having a rose and living at the mansion for three days. This makes him almost everyone's enemy.
Chris taps the glass and says that there will be an election. The guys will be writing down the name of the guy they would most like to see leave, for whatever reason. I call BS. They did this on the first episode last season and the girl who got the most votes got sent away - with a rose. This is crap. Anyway, the guys with roses can not be voted for.
Tanner P. and Michael snuggle up to comfort each other over the Grand Vote Off. At least they've found one another.

Reid tells Jillian that they are astrologically compatible. Astrological compatibility has actually proven to be true in my dating experience. Coincidence? You decide.
David is hell bent on beating up Juan at some point in time. Impressive, no?
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Comments (10)
great recap! I found Tanner P and Michael absolutely hilarious, they definitely have a bromance going on :)
1 of 10 | Posted by pixyamiga | Posted on May 29, 2009 12:34 PM
First off, your screen caps on the first page with Tanner and the other guy cracked me up!
Secondly, I'm already annoyed with Jillian.
I think I managed to watch an hour, and normally, I stomach the entire 2 hour episodes.
She is so set on proving she's a party 24/7. Yeah - that's real.
And don't even get me started on the accent.
Was anyone else surprised by her picking Brad? Blech.
I guess Jake is my top pick at this point. But then again, I didn't watch the 2nd half.
Thanks for sitting through 2-hours of non-sense to bring us this recap. I pity you!
2 of 10 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:07 PM
Hilarious!
"He tries on a couple of shirts and then gets totally carried away and jumps out of the dressing room in a fur trimmed vest making gun signs with both hands. Why, Jake, why?"
When i read this part i was eating a chip, it made me laugh out loud, which cause a small piece of chip to be lodged in my keyboard. Ah, but it was worth it.
I change my mind about Jake, he's a tool. I'm surprised you didnt comment on how he kissed her right in the middle of her sentence, and his mouth was all open, it grossed me out.
Speaking of kissing, isnt she going a bit quickly with that? She basically kisses every guys he has a one one one convo with.
And how about that kiss with Krypton, she totally started it and it was awwwkward!
And Wes is a creep.
ok thanks!!
3 of 10 | Posted by welcometothepartypal | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:20 PM
well I guess my heart is not totally busted and jaded, I actually thought the Jake date was fun and sexy, tho I was surprised we weren't subjected to the cap of her trying to pull out his pants while belting him. I always like seeing evidence of her being a horny slutina!!!
and yes, welcomettpp, she's coming on strong in all those ways, making them strip, tempting them to run in speedos to the (I doubt very clean or safe) venice beach ocean.
My picks of Jake, krypton and Juan were a little better than I thought--I'm just so proud of how I can see right through this overwrought trainwreck of a reality show . . . as I'm sure my mom would be too!
Mike is looking hot bodied in that one piece cap . . . I also think Ed looks hunky . . . wes is a complete tool.
HATE.
can't wait to see him walk! Serenading her, erm yeah, he's totally doing that out of love for her, and totally not for his fans in mexico . . .
Really glad she sent light switch packing, now she must see through fire eyes and his gaybashing, hate tendencies . . .
Thanks ever so much Honey!!! Good call on the gayest team ever--they were too much for me . . . bipolar anyone, or at least manic (sans depressive)
Also agree on Brad "the brains of the operation" if he's so smart, couldn't he see she would pick the hot one to dine in her safe with . . . I'm just sayin'
4 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 29, 2009 1:47 PM
Okay, so now I know how Jillian's going to make me hate her before the end of the season: those goddamn cutsey scrunchy faces she keeps making.
And that stupid Amazing Race segment...what was the point of that? No doubt Wes's team was helped along the way to make sure he got there first. They know he's a douche, so they want to make sure he gets plenty of time with her so that he 'breaks her heart' for the ratings.
Besides, we already know Jillian's type, since she "fell in lurve" with that douchey should-be-gay douchebag Jason. So it stands to reason that she'll choose Guano at the end, doesn't it? He comes closest to meeting the wussy sensitive don't-ask-don't-tell model.
Although Jake's definitely got that over-eager twinkie thing going.
Dave would probably be happier on Daisy of Love. Man code, indeed.
5 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 29, 2009 2:08 PM
Yeah, I think we are in for a big ol' trainwreck. I hope so, anyway.
This girl has some bad taste in men. Keeping Tanner P. after finding out he's creepy? Keeping Michael? Keeping Wes? Well, I guess it's no surprise since she was "in love" with Jason, as itchy so astutely observed.
This is the problem with using a castoff from a previous show. Of course, I don't think any of the others had quite the horrible taste in men (or women) that our girl Jillian has.
6 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 30, 2009 6:51 PM
"Coyote Awkward"
LOVED that!
I'm also in love with how you've been able to subtly throw a few heavily accented words oat and aboat here and there, it's totally charming. Awesome job, Honey, keep it up!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Personally I'd have snagged a stranger's Speedo with no hesitation at all, but I'm just weird like that.
7 of 10 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on June 1, 2009 10:14 AM
Does anyone else think Juan bears a strong resemblance to David Arquette?
8 of 10 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on June 1, 2009 12:29 PM
I hate them all, but I hope Kiptyn stays around until 'meet the parents night' because I'd like to see the kind of people who would name their kid Kiptyn.
9 of 10 | Posted by NegativeNancy | Posted on June 1, 2009 1:08 PM
lovin' it HoneyG...
"The homoerotic tension is palpable."
That WES guy sucks a lot. He reminds me of that other "bad boy" from Deanna's season - another tall, skinny dude from the south with messed-up hair that had some kind of product to sell, just like WES. Typically these girls aren't seeing through the con job.
The guy was that "pro basketball player" - even his mother was like run as fast as you can away!
Jillian is still not bugging me that much though and i usually have strong opinions on all these tools on these shows. For example, I LOATHED Jason on the Bachelorette and couldn't believe he became The Bachelor. He was about as exciting as a turd and whiny as a little bitch from the moments I laid eyes on him and then they picked him for the Bach. Pleeeeeeese. And that Deanna sucks balls so bad, I can't stand her ass either and never could even back when she was on the show with Brad. But Jillian, she seems alright to me.
10 of 10 | Posted by bitchristine | Posted on June 3, 2009 10:06 AM