The Bachelorette Zip Lines Into the Old West

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"Get along, little doggie."

Welcome to another startling episode of The Bachelorette! This week everything is different and we have surprises at every turn! Just kidding. But we do have a helicopter ride and a swimming pool. Come on!

It's week number three and Jillian still hasn't come to her senses and run back to Canada, so we join Chris Harrison once again back at the barracks. It turns out that this week is just like last week except with one violent twist - there are two one-on-one dates and one group date. Gasp! Same deal though, with one rose available per date and if you are on a single date, you either get a rose or get lost. Date Card numero uno is up Chris's butt and he leaves it on the pool table... again. The variety on this show makes my head spin. A guy I do not recognize even a little (how is this possible after dissecting two episodes?) reads the card and it says, "Ed, love can be dangerous." Why do they even bother with the cards? That said NOTHING except that Ed needs to pack his bags.

Jillian is waiting for Ed in a baseball field in a booty skirt with a helicopter waiting. See what I mean about variety? Jillian giggles and tells us that she finds Ed extremely attractive. That's what she's said about everyone so far. They take off on their ride and Jillian tells us that the last time she was in a helicopter was... on The Bachelor with Jason. No kidding. They take a scenic tour of LA and land on the roof of the Bonaventure hotel downtown. There are some cables running from the rooftop down to a swimming pool on the ground and Jillian says that the only way down is to rappel down the cable. They harness up and Jillian makes this into a grand metaphor for taking a leap of faith to find true love. Not so much, Jillian. It's also not so much rappelling as slowly zip lining. Maybe zipping into true love?

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Notice Jillian's healthy lead.

She squeals her way down the cable, then they both strip down to their swimsuits, hold hands, run and jump into the pool together. I think the double-pool-jump is another requirement on this show. I mean, who does that? Seriously. Because they just shared a huge adrenaline rush, they end up making out in the pool and Jillian says she has a major crush on Ed because he makes her feel small.

Later at dinner on the roof of the Bonaventure, Jillian tells Ed that she's happy to be the one to pop his helicopter cherry. See? She's just one of the guys. She can be dirty and joke around and drink beer and belch. Isn't she adorable? Ed shares with Jillian that to unwind he gets drunk and does karaoke with his friends, but that he has a hard time tearing himself away from work. Mayday! No workaholics, Jillian. You'll never win the battle between ambition and romance. Surprise, surprise, they kiss. She has kissed every single guy she's been alone with. And every time this music plays like it's the kissing scene from The Princess Bride. Right, this is so tender.

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"Do I kiss like one of the guys?"

Date Card number two arrives at the barracks and Reid reads it: "Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F., Mark, Brad, Robby, Tanner P., Krypton and Juan. Show me the good, the bad and the ugly." The guys are all put out that 11 people are going on this date.

Jillian wants to know if Ed has any questions for her and of course he just asks if he's going to get a rose tonight. That's how intriguing you are, Jillian. That's all he cares to find out. She picks up the rose and gives him her speech a-boat needing to get to know him better and gives it to him. Ed's moving into the mansion. The luggage guys come into the barracks to take Ed's crap up to the house and the other guys chase them and smack themselves in the forehead. A dorky guy (Brad I think) wonders if Jillian is ever going to dump anyone because so far all the one-on-ones get roses. Jillian continues to make out with Ed downtown.

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Comments (17)

wintersux:

To me, toe sucking is too ticklish to be sexy. Does anyone think Tanner P's parents might be a little embarrassed by their son at this point?? He does crack me up though!!

here4beer:

I went from being totally grossed out by Tanner, to finding him highly amusing. I love that guy- only I hope they don't make him the next Bachelor. Instead of having to watch him make out with everyone, we'd have to watch him suck everyone's toes. Puke.

Jillian is a kissing slut, and I, too, am sick of watching her pucker up for anything with 3 legs. I hope no one has a cold sore!

NotWithoutMyTV:

So, what, exactly does ones willingness to participate in a homersexual kiss have to do with winning the right to not see the Bachelorette for five months after taping wraps and then announce the break-up of your nonexisting relationship in People magazine?

I'm with the recapper, I don't understand why men go on this show. I've heard that agents actually encourage wannabe actors to take reality show stuff OFF their resume...

bitchristine:

I used to work in a shoe store for a part time job after school when I was a teenager...there used to be weird foot fetish guys that used to call and ask about shoes and 'what you are wearing on your feet'. It was weird, they would call but I would never see any in the store. Although, they probably came in, you just couldn't tell. Who did come in though were transvestites looking for size 11 pumps. Hysterical! "I needed to run out and get a pair for my wife, but she can't make to the store right now". Ahhhh the days before the internet when you had to make up bullshit to shop clerks to satiate your fetishes. And speaking of feet, I am married to a guy who loathes feet - think of Tanner with his obsession for loving feet, but the opposite...my husband is just as worse but he HATES feet. Weirdo. Needless to say I don't get any toe action, but that is ok, it does tickle. Some dude that hates feet is less creepy than a dude that loves them.

Holy hell on observations watching this episode: that whole Western thing was frightening. There is one shot were there are like 9 guys leering through a window. The whole thing seemed like a big porno GANGBANG. I thought they were all going to line up and she was going to suck them off. BUKAKE!!!

Wes...he goes upstairs and asks if he can sing her the song AGAIN. This guy is fully aware that the cameras are rolling and wants his song to get TV airplay at every chance he gets. How transparent is this douche.

Brad, "I deserve to be a DRIFTER". Or something to that effect. WTF?! Maybe this guy should start composing songs for Wes.

Yes, Jilian kissing every guy is annoying. Do the Bachelors kiss the chicks this much? Perhaps we have a double standard here? Whatever, it still is annoying. Maybe it would be more entertaining if she did SUCK them all OFF instead.


pixielated:

Loved your recap, Honey.

I'm suspicious of Robby the Bartender. I mean it is all well and good to be a bartender, but I have a feeling he just might be a wannabe actor. Especially seeing how comfortable he was with that fake movie scene.

Why does Jillian keep icky Dave? The guy is a drunken lout.

I can see Tanner P heading straight for the friendship zone. He's cute and funny but the foot thing is probably a deal breaker. Can you imagine if they did end up together? Everybody would remember him as the foot guy.

juddfan:

Personally, I say she can bang 'em all--doesn't bother me in the slightest. I also think it's funny she gets all sloshed before handing out the roses--Go Jillian!!!

And she was such a sport for humoring Tanner, I'm sure he'd rather kiss her feet then her face. Nothing against fetishes, they probably lead to a healthier sex life if they connect to your partner, and not strangers or bathrooms or whatever--but IMHO he's a little tranced out by the toesies-- when he's got the cornless arches in sight. If she said "Take Me" I'm sure he would be startled that she was still there . . . but for TV, he's a blast!

I've heard foot fetishes are caused by mother's that don't pick their kids up enough, and their only connection is from the ankles down. Don't know how I avoided it though, my mother checked out of the childhood of half my family . . .

Don't know why I enjoyed this epi, but I did, Ed was hunk-a-lishious!!! Nice to see her kick Sasha to the curb for a valid reason, besides his upside down mouth.

Please remove the blight that is David, and Wes, and I may even enjoy this show.

The producers should have removed David after threatening to beat Juan . . . ratings are one thing, law suits on the other hand . . . im just sayin'

All of this is being taken way too seriously, but I did enjoy Robbie's sweetness, and him getting cheered said a lot.

Thanks for suffering through another one Honey, loved all the captions!!!

itchy:

About Reid's one and a half: I'd just assumed his hand is really really good. Didn't realize he was talking about girls.

But what does it say about me that I would have chosen that awesome 50s hotrod over the penis on wheels? I mean, it's not like they could go more than 25 mph while they were cruising in traffic anyway. Jillian kind of lost points from me there.

It doesn't bother me in the least that she kisses all the guys though. It's kind of essential information, isn't it?

As for Ed...since they forgot the Jersey meathead (which I had thought was obligatory for this type of show), then I'll root for the Chicago guy, since I went to school there.

And Tanner P's great. No way he'll 'win' but at least he's open about this. Although methinks it's just a comedy bit for the camera.

I'm also certain that the producers sent Juan over there to stir things up with Popeye, I mean, Dave. They're both douchebags, for different reasons. But both are ringers for the 'drama'. As is Wes. Dork.

And the Rob the bartender guy kind of surprised me when he said he agreed with Dave 100%. It just struck me as the worst kind of cowardice, considering he said nothing the entire time --and then to clink glasses afterwards. The guy is a definite a putz.

blazergirl:

While Juan does seem annoying (the fact that he calls her baby already drives me crazy), David really concerns me. That man has some serious anger problems and I believe that he actually would beat the crap out of Juan if he was given the chance. It's one thing to really dislike someone, but the fact that he said he wanted to chain him to a tree and beat him reminds me too much of someone I have known in the past that had serious rage issues.

DP Hooker:

Theyyyy saaaaaay love don't come eaaaaaaasaaaaaaay.

Wow how many times did we have to hear that song? Isn't that the same one he was singing hanging out on his roof in the first episode? He is a lyrical genius!

What was up with Robby (Robby D!!!) telling Juan after DRD (Date Rape David) left "By the way, i agree 100% with what David said" then clicking his glass and saying "we'll talk more later." Cheers - i think you're a douchebag Juan!

Very funny recap - thanks!

bitchristine:

Hey, remember that crazy guy from when Deeana was the Bachelorette? His name was Ron (I called him Ragin' Ron) and he totally had it in for another guy (his name escapes me, but Deeana kicked him to the curb, he was like the 3rd guy left).

Well, this Dave guy is very similar. He totally has it out for Juan. Juan probably is a douche (seems kinda like it), but chiiiiiiil bro.

What's up with these guys fixated with hatred against other guy on the show. Weird.

Also, remember Dave's introduction to Jillian?! He froze and couldn't say anything. He definitely has some major emotional issues. He goes form a speechless bumbling idiot to an outspoken ranting idiot.

pixielated:

Was it Jeremy that Ron had it in for? And he also got a lot of votes from the other guys to get kicked out, just like Juan.

I think a lot of Dave's "talkativeness" comes from alcohol.

It seems like both he and Ron hate the guy who seems to have an inside track to the B'ette, and is comfortable talking to her and approaching her. The thing about dumping out the drink is kinda baffling, but it might be "evidence" of Juan's insincerity.

itchy:

Nothing worse than a nasty drunk.

I have a friend like that. He was the quietest guy when he was sober, never met anyone who spoke less. Then he'd get a few beers in him and all of a sudden his eyes would start to glow bright yellow....

Lizbot:

Ok, as a proud Canadian, I just gotta ask: WTH is up with all the Canada hate? What did we ever do to you? :(

Y'all can keep Jillian though -- girl is crazy to go back to the bachelor/bachelorette franchise to look for true love after her own trainwreck and all the trainwrecks before her...assuming she's actually there to find true love and not just for more camera time and a few more weeks living the high life (maybe she's not so crazy...)

ThisShowRocks!:

Wow. This is the first season where I actually turn the show off 10 minutes into it.

I really can't take it this season.
Is it Jillian?

Is it that the show is the same thing over and over?
But then again, EVERY season is the same, and I still tune in.

It MUST be Jillian.

Thanks for the recap, Honey!

lexxi1129:

Great recap, Honey! You say exactly what I feel - yech.

Ok, so has anyone watched the movie "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart? Wes is TOTALLY Dusty Dinkelberg - the dude that had one song since high school.

Reid reminds me of Chandler Bing from Friends and Ed looks like a sexy Greg Brady. But I think that Jake has a good chance to win. Who can resist a pilot?

welcometothepartypal:

DRD - Date Rape Dave, hilarious!! thats perfect.
Reid and Ed are hot. i actually felt like the convo with Ed and Jillian on the roof was pretty cute, he seems normal.
About Sasha, its really weird that he's been in love 3 times but never had his heart broken. Sooo you were in love but then you must have broken up with them to not have your heart broken right? weirdo.
for once i would love to see an honest reason for booting someone, like your breath stinks or you do this weird thing with your nostrils, something good...

winks523:

I was surprised as well when Robby the bartender said he agreed with everything David said. Maybe Juan is doing shady things behind the scenes that we don't get to see? I thought it was sooo funny when David said, "Juan, go back inside!"

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