The Bachelorette: Jillian's Pity Party

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"I had no idea it was going to be this hard!"

We open this week's The Bachelorette with Jillian reminding us how hard that last Rose Ceremony was for her. She is still beside herself with shock to imagine that one or more of the guys may be on TV for selfish purposes, rather than to win her love. Who can she trust? Poor, poor Jillian.

Everyone has gathered in Whistler, which looks like some kind of ski resort. Jillian, rather than Chris Harrison, tells us that she will be having two one-on-one dates and one group date. Yes, we are still going on massive group dates and yes it is the fifth episode and yes, it's super boring and annoying. I can't figure out why ABC keeps deciding that with this series MORE is better.

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Left, left, left, right, left. The Final Ten feel the pressure.

Jillian shows the guys to their newest luxury suite and Jesse comments about all this pressure now that they're down to the FINAL TEN! Final 10???? OMG, someone please spare me. And shut up, Jesse. There are still plenty of group dates in your future. After chillin' with da boyz, Jillian leaves a Date Card on the table and leaves. Someone I don't recognize (again?) reads the card. It has to be Mark. No matter how many times I see him, I never recognize him.

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And you are...?

I think by now I pretty much know the other guys, so when some stranger pops up as part of the group, I'm just going to assume it's Mark from here on out. This is the same effect Sienna Miller has on me. It doesn't matter how many movies and magazines she's in, every time I see her I'm like, "Who's that girl?" So now I just assume any random blonde chick in a magazine is Sienna Miller. Anyway the Date Card says, "Michael come fly with me. Love, Jillian." Michael wants to burst into dance, but instead he just tells the other guys they can go home now. But it is he who must pack his bags in preparation for the grand brush off. He tells us that he has this huge crush on Jillian and he thinks he likes her more than the rest of the guys do.

Did you know that Jillian needs to find out if she and Michael have a romantic connection? If he can be the one who makes her happy for life? Well she does and that is why he's here on this date. It turns out they are going ziplining. Geez, we already did this THIS SEASON! Remember with Ed from the roof of the Bonaventure Hotel? Well this time it's out in a snowy forest so I guess it's totally different. For the next five minutes my brain almost shatters into a thousand pieces because all I can hear is Jillian squealing at the top of her lungs. Can she cool it already? Michael says ziplining is like love because you commit to it and then you jump. I swear, the interviewers must actually say, "How would you compare ziplining to love?" because NO ONE would really say that! And Jillian also said it when she ziplined down the Bonaventure. More squealing, more brain shattering. Jillian says she feels like a kid when she's with Michael. When they do a tandem zipline where Jillian kind of sits in Michael's lap he says, "We should try this later tonight in the bedroom." Oh hardy har, that was so clever, Michael.

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"And we should invite my boy Tanner to join us. Wouldn't that be killer?"

After ziplining they sit down to chat over hot chocolate. Jillian confides that besides adventure dates she also likes to have relaxing evenings. Riveting, Jillian. Even later, the two get a little dressed up and go out to dinner. Jillian wants to know if there is more to Michael than the funny side. Can they just have dinner and a normal conversation? Well I for one can't wait to find out. A waiter helps Jillian pop a champagne bottle with a machete and she squeals. My head hurts so bad it's making me have to throw up.

Oh boy it's Date Card #2. Jake reads it and it says, "Wes, Robby, Krypton, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark: Let's call it a snow day." The guys all cheer. Why? Jesse is stoked because he gets the other one-on-one.

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Comments (18)

pixielated:

Yes, it totally is. Sketch ball indeed.

WizeChiklet:

"And we should invite my boy Tanner to join us. Wouldn't that be killer?"

OOohhhhhh, I dunno: whose feet would Tanner drool over? Hmm, could be a tough decision.

Jillian's frequent statement about how this is hard on HER is really peeving me. SO?? Jeepers, I mean SHE'S the one with the 'power', get over herself already.

.. and stop squealing. I'm with ya there, HG.

briar:

Does anyone else find Michael too over the top, childish and annoying? He can't seem to speak one complete sentence. Either this guy's had too many Red Bulls or he's a giant poser.

Can you see this tool married with kids? "My dad's a breakdance instructor!" Insert fistbump/high five/shoulder bump/etc. here.

Brenda Walsh:

Yes, Briar, totally agree. Michael is super annoying in a "trying too hard to be funny" kind of way. Even before this week, all the previous yelling and gesticulating was getting on my nerves as well. I can't imagine she is seriously looking at him as marriage potential.

I can't look at Ed without thinking of Adam Carolla.


NotWithoutMyTV:

I like Jillian alot, and I really want her to find her Soulmate. I think asking guys if "they like getting dressed up and going out for a night on the town or just staying in and watching a movie", and sticking her tongue down 20(ish) guys throats will really help her find the one. She is super duper klassy.

I do not want Chris Harrison to be happy, however, because he is icky. I hope Chris Harrison gets pig flu and vomits for three days before expiring.

ThisShowRocks!:

It's funny, HG, you suspect Ed will be back.
That was one of my first thoughts.
Well, that, and how selfish can Jillian be?

Oh, and the internet rumor I heard was that Ed really had a girlfriend, and the job situation was a cover. I don't know how reliable that is though.

NegativeNancy:

This show is so fake. That's why I love it, it's looking more and more like a bad soap opera. But I am getting tired of the plane/helicopter rides, why do they get so deliriously happy every time? And enough with the ziplining/bungee jumping.

It does make more sense that Ed has a gf then that his big bad boss got after him. SO FAKE, all of it.

And whoa, are they doing overnight dates already when there's still 8 guys? Don't they usually wait until its down to 3?... Slut-ty. I like. Maybe that's how she gets over her utter devastation from Ed going home.

I wonder what the implied impotence thing is really going to be? maybe some guy falls asleep 'too soon'.

illinigal:

Does anyone else find Jillian super "squeaky" and annoying? She squeals like 20x an episode. Irritating.

juddfan:

Oh Honey, I can't believe you don't love the squeals!!!

I do think she's a bit of a lush, and perhaps too perfect means, doesn't drink enough . . . hmmmmm

I have one of those jobs that they would call me in Paris and tell me to come back now--they wouldn't fire me though, because obviously I'm needed . . . right!?

I will miss Ed's serenity in this bunch. Wes gets douchier and douchier--great caption on that pic with him, Honey!

NegativeNancy, I believe that was upcoming scenes for weeks to come, but I agree with all, lame . . . like a bach with E D wants to get called on it on TV.

Michael is wayyyy tooo manic for me . . . it's a no, but he might be fun in small doses. Also, that quick save on no dates in eight months . . . with a guy either . . . hmmmmm again!

So lets all drink everytime they say, Right or Wrong Reasons, This is hard, Jillian squeals, and every time they make out--I"m sure she'll seem sober by the rose ceremony after that!!!

melange:

Chris distinctly said "later in the season" before they broadcast the footage of overnight dates happening. So no, it's not eight men.

Also, everyone call Jillian a slut if you want, but it's actually a woman's prerogative to kiss everyone she's dating... a kiss reveals genetic compatibility for future children.

HG alluded to this on the date with Ed... I think the producers put in so many helicopter/zipline/bungee stunts because, basically, tricking your body into feeling it could die causes a huge rush of adrenaline and endorphins, which the participants confuse with a feeling of closeness and bonding. They have to artificially kick start these relationships somehow!

welcometothepartypal:

oh your screen caps are the greatest.
was Jake even in this episode?
i couldnt believe only one left, so ridiculous.

J-Mo:

Awesome recap, Honey, I'm as annoyed as you are by this stupid show and their super-fakeyness.

love, J-Mo :)

P.S. I think I knew it was true love is when I peed my name into a snowbank and my BF came up and peed his last name after mine. *sigh* I should be on this show, right?

itchy:

I'm rooting for the foot fetish guy to win.

Or at least make it long enough for the overnight dates.

Just imagine.

bitchristine:

The captions are a riot HoneyG! I too am always confused by Sienna Miller and that Mark guy. Although, Mark was a spitting image of one of the creepy McPoyle brothers on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

The breakdancer seems like a nice guy, but he is too much. He would drive me up a wall fast. I think she asked the producers to arrange a dinner with him to see if he could actually sit down and converse and be somewhat of a normal human being for an hour in a restaurant beyond the caliber of Applebees. Guess he passed.

My husband who refuses to watch this show with me (gee wonder why) caught the last few minutes and wanted to know why one of the guys was wearing a big wool sack as a jacket. That was WES. That's funny.

I think you guys are right with them doing a set-up for Ed to come back.

Yes, HG, can't believe they only kicked ONE dude off - at least it was McPoyle.

FootFetish is still around in case she insists on pumping him for more info. The guy doesn't stand a chance. Although, I do agree the overnight dates would be great with him. He would just whack it on her feet.

She really has her blinders on for that tool WES - at least he didn't sing this past episode -it's like nails on a chalkboard.

I still do like Jillian though. The squealing bugs me though. She's 100 time better than that Deanna bitchface.

pixielated:

Itchy, Jillian could do worse than Tanner, and probably has (if she drinks like this all the time). Maybe she has a drinking game going, too.

The description of Michael as trying too hard to be funny, cute, peppy, etc. applies to Jillian. She is "on" all the time. Maybe it's the drinking.

Every bachelor or bachelorette has whined about it "being so hard on MEEEEE." It makes them seem so douchey.

itchy:

Actually, I think Tanner is one of the more genuine guys there -- he's got his thing, and he's honest about it and not ashamed of it. But he gives off too much of a gay vibe. Or a friend thing.

Okay, here's my alternative-guy (i.e., hates sports) hetero male view of the rest of crew:

The breakdancer guy is there for his career. He's way too young for her anyway. He's like that dork who does magic tricks at parties. He's looking for screen time.

Guys like Jake and Kiptyn (what a stupid name) are the worst. Tightass prisses, no matter how macho they pretend to be. And anyway, these two are ringers looking to launch a modeling career. Eye candy for you ladies (and 'gents') and boy toys for Jillian.

Rob -- has similar anger issues to the bug-eyed guy who was eliminated, only Rob's a little more subtle about it. She won't keep him anyway.

Wes -- hard for me to judge, since he plays it the way I used to. Girls are suckers for that kind of shit. Except in my case, I usually meant it. For a while, anyway. And I was always monogamous. But to deal with a guy like that, the gal has to be pretty damn strong emotionally (kudos to the wife for keeping me around all these years). Anyway, like he said, he's been open about what he does. Besides, EVERYONE who goes on these shows is doing it for the exposure. That's the very nature of reality TV. He won't win anyway-- and that preview is a redherring.

Reid - Seems like a normal guy, although they don't give much on him, so hard to know.

Wine guy. Boring. She's got no interest in him. With the other guys she never stops touching her hair or brushing off their jackets or doing that scrunchy face thing. With this guy, she keeps looking at her watch.

Ed-- yeah, he'll be back, he's the only guy with true potential there. I'm guessing he bailed because he finally understood that he was on a goddamned reality show and there was no chance of looking like anything other than a fool.

Anyway, he's only 29 -- only a coward or an idiot would throw away a chance at 'happiness' to keep his job at that age. So either he's an idiot and a coward, in which case he's useless, or he comes back and 'wins' the squeaky girl.

Although try as I like-- and no matter how much she tries to help with her squeaks and wiggles and scrunchy faces-- I just can't bring myself to dislike her.

User Name:

I have read so many theories about what happens the rest of this season...please humor me. Ed gave up his chance because of his "job". Me thinks it was because of another woman, with whom he went back and had it out with, now he's single and comes back to propose but I don't think Jillian goes for it. Jake {he's so cute} is the one who finally opens Jill's eyes about Wes, so he might find some redemption in her eyes. Needless to say, Wes won't be around for the FRC. I agree that Kiptyn is the one who isn't able to "perform"... he's gone, too. Reid is a little to neurotic and Michael is too young. SO... that's my take. They do refer to these situations as "spoilers"...don't be too surprised to even see Robby come back. Anything can and probably WILL happen. Can't wait to find out!

tokei2:

Well, guess I blew that one! Can't believe that Jillian kept the villian {wes} once again! Is it just me or did all of his family seem a little bit seedy? They were all covering for him. He won't be the one proposing... he doesn't care enough about Jillian to do that and what would he do if she said yes? Jake had no ulterior motive telling her that Wes had a girlfriend.. he was genuinely concerned about her. I think he really loves her but can't figure out a way to express it. Too bad. We all know it won't be Wes in the F2 and hopefully it's not Ed, either, because I'm still questioning his hasty exit and return. Reid? Maybe. I know one thing..if Wes is the next bachelor, I won't be watching.

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