The Bachelorette: Last Train to Idiotville

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"It's the MOST DRAMATIC TRANSPORTATION IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY."

Well for Pete's sake, here we go again with The Bachelorette. Is this Groundhog Day? Have I woken up in Punxutawney, Pennsylvania to Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe?"

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Phil drives angry.

I think I must have because here is Chris Harrison to tell us that things are getting serious and this week there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. There will be a rose up for grabs on each date. Five of the guys will receive roses this week and those five will get hometown dates. If they EVEN try to make next week longer than two hours just because there are five hometown dates instead of four, so help me I will destroy something. Now everyone get your crap because this week's episode will be taking place on a train called the Rocky Mountaineer. If they think that putting this on a train is fooling anyone they can guess again. It's going to be the same thing as last week and the infinite weeks before and after. This never ends and I want to cry. Can you tell that whenever I set out to do a recap I am very put out? It's the two hour thing, I tell you. Well that and the fact that this show NEVER CHANGES. Wait, what am I saying? We're getting on a train. All aboard! It's time for the Variety Express!

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This way to Happily Ever After.

Jillian is sporting some sort of red plaid flannel shirt with a belt around her waist. Huh? Her outfits continue to baffle me. This train ride is exceedingly special because no one else will be allowed on the train besides our wannabe stars and their production crew. No pesky public to slow things up. And getting right down to business, Jillian breaks out the alcohol. I'm going to have to do the same in just a minute, here. So the big difference here is that today while everyone is getting trashed and making fools of themselves, the scenery is actually moving past the window. Jillian goes out of her way to read a cue card saying that she "still misses Ed." Translation: Don't forget that there was a guy named Ed because he'll be back for the most dramatic twist in Bachelorette history. Jillian uses the Ed prompt to segue into whining that she needs to be with someone who will cheer her up tonight. And the lucky lush to play Court Jester is... Robby D. Great, they can mix some cocktails.

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"Just let me finish this Rosmo."

Did you know that a train is the perfect place to fall in love? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's time for Personal Time with Honey Gangsta. Okay, where I grew up there is a train ride you can take for entertainment purposes called the Heber Creeper. As the name would imply, it goes slowly, but the point is that it shows you the countryside in a way you don't always get to see it. And it's a perfect place to fall in love. Or to fall violently ill, as I did as a small child. I must have been pretty small because I remember my dad carrying me, but I also remember puking out the train window and have nowhere to go and no choice but to stay on the train until the stupid ride was over. Do you know the torment of being confined to a small crowded rocking space when your stomach is seriously revolting? It's called motion sickness, people, and it isn't fun. Throw some booze into the mix and you've got yourself a vomitorium on wheels. I'm just saying. Okay, on with the show.

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Comments (17)

welcometothepartypal:

Jillian is so frustrating. I call BS on that is what she wear to bed, puh-leeze. And when i've had a few cocktails, just underwear. Oh Jillian you are so fun and carefree! blech.
Why can't she just tell Jake, um yeah buddy you came on to strong and i don't feel the same way, its not that difficult.
I also agree about her outfits, what the? How about that big purple shirt with the belt. Not cute.
I think it would have been better if she just left Robby in the caboose and then un-hinged it.

NegativeNancy:

Ok I'll stop complaining about all the helicopter rides... PLEASE, no more trains!! I guess Jilly is wearing plaid shirts because she's Canadian and that's what we wear eh.
There is no way they were the only ones on that big long train they kept showing. Maybe Jason is the surprise who shows up at the rose ceremony next week!

juddfan:

ah, wes, I can taste bile in the back of my throat every time I see your face--way to get famous bud--this will work!!!! You'll be more loved than Jason after this . . .

I actually missed this epi, I'm surprised she kept Michael over Jake--I'm sure the family visit would have solidified or changed her view on him, and he's hella closer to H material than the bi break dancer . . . call me crazy!

Hope Kryptonite is really into her and not just being on TV.

Can't wait to see Wes get served!!! Juicy!!!

I do hope they bring Ed back, and frankly, if I was Jillian, with this lot, I'd be drunk all the time too!

WizeChiklet:

I read elsewhere that someone suggested FFTanner as the next Bachelor. Now THAT would be hilarious.

If he has 25 ladies, that's 50 feet he'd have to judge as being there for 'the right reasons'. Imagine his selection criteria! Deciding on whose families to visit is dependent on the prettiest FEET.

I'd just love to see that, AND how it would be recapped here.....

itchy:

Great recap, Honey Gangsta. I mean, sure, I share your pain at having to watch this (hopefully you watch it without the commercials, like I do. It's only about 25 minutes that way....), but you're reaching a crescendo of awe-inspiringly bitter greatness. Can't wait 'til next week.

As for Wes, I have to believe that the producers (and Jillian) are in on the publicity thing. No doubt they're positioning him in the bad boy C&W. All he needs now is a good bar fight.

I definitely vote for FFTanner for next bachelor!

pixielated:

"If they EVEN try to make next week longer than two hours just because there are five hometown dates instead of four, so help me I will destroy something."

And you know, despite having FIVE hometown dates AND Ed coming back AND all that Jake/Wes drama, the episode will be chock full of filler!

That's what I don't get about "reality shows." Supposedly, real people and real life are so damn interesting, but they still have to script half of it to be duller than dirt. And THEN they have to repeat the same 10-20 minutes of footage a gazillion times. I'm sure they have loads of outtakes and FFTanner footage and drunken partying footage that would be way more entertaining.

Bitter enough for ya, itchy?

juddfan:

Here here on the bitchy crescendo Itchy, I agree whole heartedly!!!! Goooo Honey, you're the best!!!!

Pix, I believe they spend a long time splicing that shit up to give us coherent bitch edits etc, so I bet they don't use anything raw, as it may not give them the mis leading that they desire . . . does that even make sense--I need more sleep!

Rebecca1968:

ive never watched one eppy of this show because im so disgusted with the concept of it

but that being said i havnt missed one of your recaps - I love them! thats just testament to how wonderfully talented a writer you are!

thank you for the laughter you bring to my life!

xo
rebecca

jmportia:

I am guessing this has been said many times, but Jillian totally has a new nose. I was getting a pedi earlier this week and there was an ad for the show and a picture of Jillian was in it with a rose. Her nose was HUGE, now it is still on the big side but not at as big at is was.

itchy:

Except...if one were to pay to have a nose job, why would anyone choose THAT nose?

I think it's more a case of the nose being permanently swollen from crying over Jason (or having to be around Jason) all the time.

On this show, her nose is in better shape because it's constantly working out, what with all the cute scrunchy faces...

It's like watching Nose Aerobics (TM) with Richard Simmons: "Okay, ladies, wiggle-twitch-crinkle-scrunch, wiggle-twitch-crinkle-scrunch..."

Dirty Sanchez:

Say what you want about De-annnuhhhh, but at least I wanted to bang her. This chick is nothing you couldn't find at your local lumberjack bar.

The show's concept is inherently flawed. Same bullshit lines about "falling in love", "being here for the right reasons", "ready to take it to the next level"... Ugh! These guys get maybe 5 dates with Jillian and they're supposed to be ready to pop the question? Then again, that's probably 4 dates more than it usually takes to get into Jillian's little maple leaf.

Wes is a cockbag, but at least he's an honest cockbag. I hope he wins. He's here for the right reasons!

tokei2:

I'm not sure how Dirty can make derrogatory comments about someone he {?} doesn't even know. As for the posts about Jason coming back...all the info suggests that he and Molly are still together so I doubt that he will be the spoiler. Would serve him right though, to be the one ditched at the end. As for Wes, how can you say he's honest?!! He hasn't been honest with the one person who matters in all of this and that's Jillian. A**hole! Jake might seem perfect but what's wrong with that? He'll come back, show some flaws and maybe Jilli will have a change of heart where he's concerned. Kyptin? Not so sure where he ends up in all of this but...final three in my opinion? Kyptin, Jake and MAYBE...Ed.

itchy:

Um, Tokei2? You do understand that TVGasm simply would not exist if no one here made derogatory comments about people we don't know, right?

Although I disagree with Mr. Sanchez. Sure, Deanna was pretty in the face, but her butt was scary -- in a "just you wait, in five years this thing is going to go supersize" kind of way.

Jillian, on the other hand, is the type of girl you do indeed marry.

Speaking of which, no one caught that comment from Reid about usually dating blondes?

That's Jewish guy code for "I'm still playing the field, not ready to get married just yet" ;-D

NegativeNancy:

No no Tokei2, as soon as Jake said that thing about Jillian reminding him of his mother, he was outta here. NOT a good pick up line. She'd better get rid of salmonella boy Reid soon too, as that could get old real fast in a relationship.
Also, you know, Jilly looks like Sarah Palin if you make her taller and give her glasses and red shoes.

pixielated:

I think most people totally judge others' appearances without knowing them.

Itchy, I don't think Dirty was talking about staying with Deanna for five years--he just wants to bang her.

It suddenly occurred to me that the inherent problem with this show is that dating is boring, except for the two people on the date (usually). Even if they're ziplining or riding in a helicopter, dating is just not interesting to watch. Maybe there's a little cute, funny flirting, but basically it is two people getting to know each other and blathering about "relationships."

dani2526:

Pix--I never thought about that...yes, I suppose watching 2 people on a date could be boring...but this doesn't feel like watching two folks on a date at all: there's nothing that indicates that the two are getting to know anything past an ice-breaking question. I think this show would be much more interesting if we could actually hear the conversation, rather than a spliced two minute version of the same question over and over again. They MUST ask about families and habits and histories and dynamics, RIGHT?! THAT might actually be interesting...could be neat to see what dynamic would erupt with who and why...

winks523:

What is with Jillian dumping the guys and not walking them out? I thought when it got down to 8 people, the bachelor/bachelorette walked each person out to say goodbye in private. It's kinda shitty on Jillian's part to make them ask "why" in front of all the other guys.
Also, what is with her canceling the cocktail parties? That is a chance for the guys to hang out with Jillian, it's a time where they can be casual and not on a schedule, I think it's stupid of Jillian to limit her already limited time with the guys.
I don't know if you guys watched last night's yet (SPOILER!!) but when she sent home Jesse, that was the last straw for me. She does not want to find a husband or love. I don't feel bad for her at all that Wes is making her look like an idiot.
I think Jake is trying to be the next bachelor with his railing performance.

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