Jesus, what a painful season. Choosing between a guy that looks like an ape, whom the whole world now knows that he couldn't get it up, and some dude named Kiptyn. Any parent that gives their son that kind of name isn't accepting some horny booze hound as a daughter-in-law.

If ABC had a sense of humor they would have played Wes's shitty song in the background.

Damn, Sanchez, you are quick on that trigger...

Anyhoo, I would like to point out to Ed (and Kiptyn and Reid) to have a good look at Jillian's Mom and Grandmom. Because that what she'll be looking like pretty damn soon.

Although they finally gave some screen time to Jillian's hot cousin. About time!

Oh, another thing...

I need to point out here (probably did this before but still, I'm like a reality television show, need to hammer home my points) that I met my wife at a party and within 10 minutes knew that I would marry her. We moved into together, married a couple months later, and it's been 16 years and we're still going strong.

Just saying.

Meanwhile, I was half expecting them to play "Love It Don't Come Easy" as the final song. What a disappointment.

Big cheer to you Honey for holding our hands through the most romantic season of the Bachelorette ever.

I can't believe I wasted 3 hours of my life on this show this week, and had to endure seeing Ed in his green shorts again. The producers couldn't find any video of trains going into tunnels I guess, so they had to settle on the old volcano.

Please PLEASE tell me that none of these losers is going to be the next Bachelor. Why does ABC keep asking me for my submission at every commercial break if they are only going to recycle a former reject?

Did anyone else catch these two on Regis and Kelly this week ? Ewwwww...

What do the producers do to Jillian and the Dillholes to make them "perform" according to the story line? Do they have family members suspended by fraying cords over shark tanks, or what? "Think of momma, Jillian! Let's have some tears, that's it!"

Or do these fakes just go along with it to be on TV? Now THAT idea is scary. Because that fool Ed, certainly, is ABC's bitch.... Maybe that's why he can't look at her... he knows that both his soul and his testicles are in a jar at ABC headquarters. Right next to the one holding Chris Harrison's.

Has anybody ever seen "Perfect Stranger"?

Coz it was running opposite this, and I couldn't help but keep going back, and not only just for commercials. That was a hoot, and some twisted shit, right there . . .

Totally stupid to bring back Reid, like does anyone object to these two being joined in holy matrimony, "Yes, she should marry me--hind sight is 20-20, doesn't that count for anything"

Brenda, I know you probably have baggage with all the Dylan and Kelly stuff, but there is nothing wrong with those green shorts (except, the shade of green) I know I said it before, but what is so great, stylish or sexy about shorts that are shaped like a trash bag hanging from your hips and covering two thirds of your leg . . . does this mean my formative fashion sense was cemented during the years of the Six Million Dollar Man . . .!? Aren't skinny jeans back!? Don't trends change--can't we just forget that whole white people stealing from hip hop thing . . .

The capper on EW hates those shorts and even suggested boxer shorts would have been better than his boxer-briefs--UGH!!!!! And I think chicks look better in granny panties-K!?

Ok, (deep breath) itchy, cool story about you and the Mrs.--I believe--I'm a sucker at love, but then I quit that bitch, so now I just take all my pent up energy and blast it in here . . . sigh . .

Anyway, all in all, pretty painful season, but I still like the lushy and I wish her the best with her sexy lug!!! They really are the only two peeps on this series that I could actually hang with . . . Trista and Ryan would be what I think Lushy meant by "too perfect" = boring . . .

And lastly, Honey baby--the pain, dear, the pain . . . if it's any consolation, it just wouldn't be the same without you!!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXO

Here's an idea, ABC: next season, right before the Fantasy Suite dates, they put all the surviving man hos in a hummer strech limo and take them to Planned Parenthood, where they get tested for STDs. Of course, one of the front runners has a skank at home, and an infection to hide.

To ranp up the drama, the producers provide the Bachelorette with the results of each test, which she reads to the whole group, accompanied by suspense-building music. Then, instead of individual overnights, they totally shake things up with THE MOST TITILLATING OVERNIGHT DATE EVER!!!!! A drunken, aerial gang bang, in, wait for it, a HELICOPTER!

Judd -- I'm definitely not a fan of the trash bag look either. Those green shorts just make me feel like I am watching Larry Bird in 1975 on our old bunny ears television with 3 channels and me getting up and down serving as the remote for my father ... :)

Okay, stop it!
The recap was fabulous...but the comments are making me laugh so hard I am crying! You guys are too much.
NotWithoutMyTV: That is so wrong...but SO funny!
Sanchez: Wes's song! That would have been awesome.
Thank you so much for making my day.
Honey: Every time you wrote "making-oat" I thought I'd wet my pants!

Thanks for putting up with this mess of a show all season long, Honey. Despite the Canada-bashing, I enjoyed reading your recaps, eh! (See, Jillian can't really be Canadian, cause she never says "eh" -- all the more reason she shouldn't be allowed back in!)

I missed the first hour of the finale and the last half hour of the results show, but I realized that even for the parts I supposedly watched I obviously was tuning out cause I missed a lot. I can't imagine how you manage to stay focused through the whole 2 hours! You have my pity -- hope you get a better gig for your next recap!

One thing I did catch that you didn't mention was that in the ATFR show, when Jillian keeps harassing Reid to ask her a question, any question (I'm thinking that's gonna get pretty old pretty fast with poor Ed), Reid makes a comment about how he doesn't want to ask the one question he has because it would be about the Fantasy Suite. I seriously laughed out loud, cause basically, it sounded like he was very politely calling her a whore! She shut up right after that and Reid earned newfound respect from me, lol

Dirty Sanchez, that would have been soooo funny if they had played Wes' crappy song in the background -- ABC has no sense of humour *sigh*

I AGRREEEES WITH YOUS LIZBOT. I demand that her citizenship be revoked. Even my immigrant parents say Eh and they don't even know the country's national anthem very well!

I spent the entire cast screaming at the TV at Jillian for being so stupid as to pick Ed.

She should have picked Kiptyn. Something tells me that she'd get a bigger divorce settlement.

I lol'd the entire time Reid was on. He was wearing sneakers. Horrible, white sneakers.

And did anyone notice how he kept pausing for WAY too long before saying, "Yes. I am still in love with her." the ten times he must have said it in those twenty minutes he was on?

TOO funny.

I think Wes should be the next bachelor. Plenty of women will go on because they want to Fix Him and Love Him forever.

blech.

I'd like to start by wishing HoneyGangsta a very happy birthday!

Krypton's kisses were so awful, they made me feel nauseas. I think it's because he's totally and completely disinterested in Jillian. You could tell this from the ATFR when he was like "yeah, no hard feelings. See ya later pal."

When she went back to meet her family for the second time and still acted like she hasn't seen them in forever, it's so apparent that it's all so fake!

The volcano erupting when Ed came all over Jillian was so cheesy! It's like those Enzyte commercials how they put the pill on some wood plank.

Her dress looked very white to me, as hard as I tried to see that it was pink, it was a straight up wedding dress. And Krypton looked dumb.

Two things I'm wondering if you noticed, one - when Ed opened up the ring box, it was positioned PERFECTLY to show Neil Lane printed on the inside. BUT! The night of the ATFR, when they played that again, the Neil Lane imprint was gone! Totally photoshopped out.

Second, did anyone notice that Melissa had plastic surgery? She was barely recognizable. I watched her through weeks of Dancing with the Stars and Jason's season, and I am 100% positive she had something done.

I'm pretty sure that Melissa had a nose job done. I thought they were digitally stretching her face or something, because even her cheeks looked thinner.

Why why why do perfectly pretty girls go under the knife . . . sigh . . .

Brenda, you nailed that exactly, and since I did grow up with Larry Bird being the big name, it must have left an impression--not that I ever-ever found him sexy . . .

gnomecorp, very interesting observation--wonder if they got into it over the bill.

Didn't see ATFR, TG!, but I am unsurprised that Krypton was unfazed!

So, the Lushy was a bit whorey too-- I say, go girl! It's your last hurrah, who cares if it's televised.

I can't speak for Kryp's kissing, but it did look like an intimacy blocker the way they constantly smacked those lips instead of talking.

And Ed and eye contact, he was really weird with that at times, but I thought on the home visit, he was more relaxed and direct--could it be that he feels about Lushy the way she felt about Kryp--not good enough . . .

Anyway, more kisses Honey!!!! Thanks again!!!

I saw the same thing with Melissa. I could not figure out what she had done, and finally decided that it probably BOTOX all over her face. (when they showed her - again - after being dumped by Jason, her forehead was moving with no problems. This time it did not move at all.)
It is a real shame, because she must have just done it very recently - on DWTS she still looked like herself from the bach. The worst thing - she was SO MUCH PRETTIER BEFORE!!!
I will never understand what posessed her to do it to her face - she now looks like any other standard issue wanna-be Hollywood fame chaser.

"she now looks like any other standard issue wanna-be Hollywood fame chaser."

With gopher teeth.

I am so glad I'm not the only one to notice Melissa looked different! She is way too young to have Botox, gah! Why must young, pretty women DO that to themselves?
Anyway, thanks Honey for the great recaps!
A shout out to the comments too, they had me laughing as hard as the recap!

Well I didnt watch one eppisode of this trainwreck tragedy - BUT I also Didnt miss one of your recaps! They were all AWESOME! thank you very much for suffering through watching just so you can entertain people like me that look forward to reading and laughing :) and yes you made me laugh every recap - Your the best for doing this! :)

oh side note: i watched Good morning America and they had Jillian and Ed on - and took questions from staff, audience and skype - and what made me perk up was the skype question - they were introduced as a woman who watches with her daughter and grandaughter - and the granddaughter is ONLY 4 Years OLD! I said WTF what sane person would let their 4 year old child watch this white trash amateur porn? and then it happened out of the mouths of babes - the 4 year old had the question - "why did you kiss so many men so often?" grandmom explained that her grand daughter found it icky - I almost fell of my seat from laughing - especially Jillian couldnt even assure american she wasnt a skank - she just laughed and said well i wouldnt recommend it unless you are on the bacherlortte.

yea she is going to be a great mom - NOT! (jmho)

anyways - thanks again for sharing your talent and making me laugh in my otherwise dull life! LOL :)

Rebecca

I found out last night that Jake is the new bachelor...."wings of love"

GROSS!!! I don't want to watch but I know I will!