The Bachelorette: Home Edition - 
by Guest Columnist
[by Jaded Bitch]
Now that it's down to the nitty gritty, it's time we re-examine the candidates. First there's Wendell, a 32-yo entrepreneur from Chicago. Jen keeps saying how good he looks on paper, but in reality, there is just no spark. Second up is Jerry, who is hot and who may be a total player player, judging from the expose that TVGasm did on him (he's a reality tv rerun). Jen is smitten with him, but is it purely lust? Third is John Paul, the 25yo who is allegedly mature beyond his years. Readers of this column have noted his hairy upper lip and have made several requests to shave it off. Finally, there's Ryan, the teacher from Oregon. The two kinda hit it off, but seeing as Jen's got the personality of a brick wall, it'd be hard pressed for any of these men to make any sort of connection. But, one can always hope.
This episode was all about visiting the men's hometowns. We first dropped in on John Paul in Oklahoma where he presented her with a pair of cowboy boots to match his own! Good thing she's not allergic to horses (paging Trista Rehn!), cause she's in the country now! We were introduced to John Paul's family: Susie his mom, Paul his dad, and his two younger brothers Jake Ryan and Jeffrey Connelley. We then met his dog Trevor Ashton McDonaldson the Third and his cat Mitsy.
His mother and Jen hit it off right away since they were both cheerleaders in a former life. I waited patiently for the pom-poms to make their way out of the attic and onto the front lawn, but no such luck. I then tried to figure out who exactly did John Paul inherit his hairy upper lip from, his mother or father. Failing this, I chalked it up to a mutant growth on his part. Susie exclaimed to Jen, "When you gonna get married? I wanna have babies!" Considering she already has five boys, one can only hope she meant grand-children, and not babies of her own. Or perhaps she had twenty more names picked out that she had yet to use.
The pair bid adieu to his family, while his two younger brothers impatiently eyed the X-Box in the corner while giving Jen a courtesy hug. They then went over to John Paul's house, which is when I sprayed my screen with my soda as I screamed, "WTF! He's 25 and he owns his own house!!" It was a pretty nice house too. Now maybe if I had a hairy upper lip...
Check out that upper lip action!
The next date was in Medford, Oregon. *insert crickets here* This was home to Ryan, who took Jen skating the moment she touched down. We then met his family, which consisted of parents Scott and Barbra, and sister Mackenzie. The 'rents launched into a promotional speech for Thailand, describing their recent visit. Poor Jen looked so bored as she tried to comprehend a topic that did NOT revolve around her or cheerleading. She later whined to the camera that all the parents talked about was Thailand and didn't focus enough on HER. It did get a bit much though, when they continued their vacation talk at the dinner table about Thai food and Thai traditions. But when they brought out the little Thai boy they smuggled home, I drew the line!
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