The Bachelorette: A Not So Lucky Boy and a Drama Queen - 
by Guest Columnist
[by Jaded Bitch]
Sorry for the late recap, but the show was friggin' three hours long!! OY VA VOY!! Enough foreplay, let's get to the action! (Or, lack thereof...)
Our final episode starts off in Jen's hometown of Cleveland, where she first meets up with John Paul, aka Dirty Sanchez. (If that ain't JP laying on that couch, then tie me up and call me Susie!) Anyhow, Dirty Sanchez bribes Jen with a pair of earrings at the get-go. Okay, so you've got money. We Get It. Meanwhile, Jen bathed in the thought of "being treated like a princess" for the rest of her life. John Paul looked sleepy and horny as they talked about what their lives would be like together if she were to pick him. Hmm, my guess is it would entail bad wardrobe, multiple named children, and lots o' hairy lip action!
Upon introduction to Jen's parents, her mother thought JP was drop dead gorgeous. He even presented her with a tacky vase, on which Mrs. Scheft commented was better than flowers since flowers wither and die, whereas she could keep this piece of kitsch forever and ever. The family then sat around the table, with Jen's brother playing with a napkin ring, clearly unimpressed with Dirty Sanchez. I kind of zoned out when JP started rambling about settling down and asking for Jen's father's blessing.
Who exactly decorated this family's house? Did anyone else check out that wood paneling and mismatched furniture? JP's vase later showed up in the background with a candle in it, fitting in perfectly in the Museum of Tack-o-Rama.
The next day was Jerry's turn. During their alone time, Jen asked what he did for a living, as she clearly couldn't wrap her head around the title "Gallery Director." Isn't it a bit late in the game to be asking what one does for a living? I don't know about you, but that's usually a first date kind of question. When they went to meet the folks, Jerry decided to bring - guess what - flowers that wither and die! The mother prompty put them into JP's vase. Uh-oh, could this be foreshadowing at its finest?
Jerry managed to stutter his way through dinner conversation as though he was hooked up to a lie detector. In the kitchen, Jen's mom said that Jerry was very philosophical; Jen called it being "artsy," we call it "intelligence." I don't know if Jerry is an intelligent fellow, but compared to Jen, he's a freakin' rocket scientist!
Jerry continued to cross his legs like he's done all season. It doesn't exactly scream out Masculine, but to each their own. His body language spoke volumes however; he was so uptight it made me constipated just to watch! After he left, Jen sat yoga style on the kitchen counter while her family shared their thoughts. They all said they couldn't see her long term with Jerry, but that ultimately the choice was hers. Gee, thanks for the stellar input. Now, let's try doing down-dog under the kitchen sink.
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