The Cougar exists solely because it can. Seriously. In the opening sequence the announcer says that if men can date outside of the boundaries of reality, so can women. This episode we'll meet our cougar, our host, 20 single pubescent boys and one kick ass ukulele.
The announcer proclaims that cougars are the hot new thing, sweeping the nation and taking over the scene...in 2006. I mean this cougar thing is kinda played but whatevs. Vivica A. Fox is our hostess with the apropos-tess. Remember the Vivica/50 Cent fiasco.
Something tells me that Vivica will gladly take a few of the scraps back to her lair. Vivica "You Go Girl" Fox introduces the show by telling us that it's okay with society when an older man dates a younger woman. Tell that to all the uncles serving 6-10 in the county jail sweetie. Ms. Fox says that a woman in her prime is the "ultimate catch". Ok, I thought this chick was a cougar now she's some kind of trout. Is she the hunter or the prey? I'm confused.
Anyway, we finally meet our cougar Stacy Anderson! Doesn't that name sound really fake? We see a sequence of Stacy walking on a ledge, lacing up her sneakers and - holy crap - hugging her four children.
Four kids?! And they didn't even focus on that part. They sandwiched them in between shoe tying and Stacey closing a $48 million dollar deal at her company. I'm no cougar chaser but something tells me none of these 20 guys wants a step-daughter that lives in the same college dorm. Stacey then reveals that her parents died young, she got married at 16 (WTF?!), and is looking for love. This chick's got more baggage than a Macys One Day Sale. Since Stacey got married and had her litter at an age when most people went to college and had a blast, she's abandoning her kids to meet a bunch of hot guys. She likes it, I love it!
Stacey arrives in a limo and is wearing a black dress fit for a forty year old woman. It was so unbelievably pedestrian. Aren't cougars supposed to dress like Peg Bundy and Linda Hogan? I feel cheated. Stacey's not in it to win it. I already get the feeling that she should just date her age and not her hair color.
Stacey wants passion and spontaneity and a man with a high sex drive. We've finally gotten to the point. This is about sex, sex and more sex! Vivica takes Stacey into the "Cougar-villa" while the guys hop out of the party bus. Each guy gets weirder by the moment.
The guys all whistle and cattle call, as per their script, when Stacey comes out of the house. David, the tree deliverer, says she looks like she's in her 20s. Here's a thought - if you want a 20 year old, get one. Why are you on a show trying to snag an old broad who's trying to look young? Vivica presents the first challenge. All of the guys have to introduce themselves to Stacey with a pickup line of some sort and the 5 guys who impress her the least will be sent home.
The first one up is Pretty Boy Travis. He says that he just turned 21 and wants to share one of his first drinks with Stacey. Don't worry; Vivica is there to provde commentary along the way.
Tom is 26, seems sweet and is blown away by Stacey. He's also inexperienced with cougars. We'll call him a cougin (coo-gin)
Kai is next and he says "Aloha" and some words I can't spell. Stacey proves that age doesn't directly correlate with intelligence because she immediately asks what language that is. Aloha? Really Stacey? Even though every 80s sitcom had an episode where the entire family went to Hawaii and one of the family members was always kidnapped by the locals only to find out that Hawaiians are lovely people and they just wanted to invite Michelle Tanner and George Jefferson to a luau and not eat them?
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Comments (17)
I didn't (and won't) watch, but I really enjoyed your recap.
I think you nailed the situation. None of those guys would want to be a serious father figure to four step kids... nor would she be satisfied with any of these shallow specimens.
I hope the space aliens aren't judging our planet based on our TV shows. If so, we are surely doomed!
1 of 17 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 18, 2009 12:09 PM
this show is just wrong, why are these guys on the show? There are tons of older women wondering around out there that would date younger guys (i'm guessing). This sort of feels like a casting call.
the whole 'kiss me (insert name here)' this just gets creepier with each kiss, there is just something so dirty about it
2 of 17 | Posted by carol | Posted on April 18, 2009 1:29 PM
There already was a show that pitted older women against younger women vying for the 'heart' of some tennis player. That show really sucked.
Wish I could watch this one, but TVLand won't let me (fuckers)...looks like it'll make a great trainwreck.
Why is the cougar's face always twisted up?
3 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 18, 2009 2:17 PM
L Boogie! I'm glad you found a new show to recap, but I am sad you have to sit through this every week. haha.
I may have to start watching it, too, so I can follow your recaps, because in the infamous words of Mr. Guy Patterson: "You. Are. My. Biggest. Fan!"
4 of 17 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on April 18, 2009 3:13 PM
here4beer, the fact you just made a "That Thing You Do!" reference makes me totally want to marry you (you know if it weren't for the I'm already married thing).
LBoogie, funny recap, although I'm going nowhere near this show.
5 of 17 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on April 19, 2009 11:14 AM
Kevin ripped off the "Australian Kiss" joke off the youtube video titled Martine's "Australian Kiss" for Mark Furze (@ 1:53!) SSep6
6 of 17 | Posted by andrinaluvsmart | Posted on April 19, 2009 11:48 AM
JasonR:
C'mon. So far no one's willing to watch with me! Guess I'll have to suffer alone. I used to have a bf named Jason R. I hope you're not him....you're not from jersey and unable to commit are you? :-)
7 of 17 | Posted by L Boogie
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Posted on April 19, 2009 4:47 PM
itchy:
You're not missing much but did you try tvland.com? If you really want to suffer, try to watch the episode there. And yes, there is something up with her face but I didn't want to say anything and risk sounding jealous or ageist. Yikes!
8 of 17 | Posted by L Boogie
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Posted on April 19, 2009 4:52 PM
here4beer:
You're back! You have to watch, no one else will so far.
9 of 17 | Posted by L Boogie
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Posted on April 19, 2009 4:53 PM
carol:
That kissing thing is beyond gross. Plus these guys are young so you know there's STDs floating around not to mention mono, cold sores etc...These guys are in my age range so it's ok for me to stereotype - right? :-)
10 of 17 | Posted by L Boogie
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Posted on April 19, 2009 4:58 PM
Glad you enjoyed it! If she had one or two kids, maybe she'd have a shot; but four kids! None of these guys are looking for that kind of responsibility.
11 of 17 | Posted by L Boogie
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Posted on April 19, 2009 5:10 PM
here4beer & JasonR: Swingin's good, right?
I TiVo'd this show in the perverse hope that my wife would watch it, and I could a) make fun of her and b) satisfy my morbid curiosity. But I came to my senses and decided to just read the recap instead. Sounds like I chose wisely.
12 of 17 | Posted by Copyhacker | Posted on April 19, 2009 6:30 PM
Sorry so late to chime in here, but this was some funny-ass stuff! Way to go L-Boogie, I hope this show doesn't destroy your faith in reality-TV stupidity.
love, J-Mo :)
13 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 24, 2009 9:00 AM
Thanks fam; this show has only increased my faith in the depths of stupidity allowed on TV. I'm a believer!
14 of 17 | Posted by L Boogie
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Posted on April 25, 2009 6:14 PM
Clearly the biggest winner is the twin brother (Grant) who took himself off the show. He escaped STD-free and salvaged his cougar reputation. Lets be honest, if "winning" this show gets you a senior citizen and 4 kids....NO ONE WINS!!!
15 of 17 | Posted by steph | Posted on April 27, 2009 6:43 PM
Have any of these people ever heard of mono?
Or oral herpes?
They have now.
16 of 17 | Posted by Paper Street | Posted on May 13, 2009 10:15 PM
40 isn't exactly "senior citizen!" But, this reality show is probably the most difficult to watch. The kiss off--eewwww! It seems if they really wanted to do a "cougar" show, they should have had someone a little more edgy, not a overly botoxed soccer mom.
17 of 17 | Posted by HaileyBo | Posted on May 31, 2009 7:06 PM