TVgasm Recaps

[Doing guest coverage of The Cut is sg-dub. You can read his blog at http://weakisht.blogspot.com/.]
Let me first say that yes, I know that almost every new reality show is merely derivative of past reality shows. I’m cool with that, as long as they are well done. Even before seeing one second of Tommy Hilfiger’s new summer show on CBS, I thought it was a blatant rip-off of one of the best shows to premiere in a while – last year’s “Project Runway” on Bravo. I loved Runway; the originality of the show AND of those involved and I never knew why NBC (which owns Bravo) never gave it a shot. What I didn’t expect was how Apprenticey The Cut would be. Not only were many of the sweeping Midtown Manhattan camera shots exactly the same as we’ve seen before, but he mentioned his industry was worth “billions,” the dubbing was equally atrocious, and he feigned the same phony over-the-top disgust with the show’s hopefuls. Finally, not wanting to be outdone by The Donald’s infamous hairdo, The Tommy is rocking a hair part that has only been previously equaled by God at the Red Sea back in the day.

Xzibit A: The Cut is Unoriginal

I am Sofa King not Donald Trump

In preparation for this week’s episode of “The Cut,” I dug out my authentic 19th century Little House on the Prairie schoolmarm wooden chair. It was the only thing I could think of uncomfortable enough to keep me awake for the entire show. Upon reading the description of this week’s challenge, I was heartened to note that it appeared as though “The Cut” would finally be ripping off “Project Runway” like we expected it to do all along. Oh, sure, the Apprentice atmospherics were still fully in place: the bustling avenue filled with taxis, the slow motion helicopter fly-bys above famous Manhattan landmarks, the steam rising from the sidewalks – but this week the Cutters would actually be dealing with – gasp – fashion! You know, the thing that we (and the contestants) thought the show would be about from the get-go. Call us crazy. Well, we viewers (which may just be me at this point) are crazy I suppose for watching this mess. But the Cutters have real incentive to be there, even in the subzero chill of mid-winter Manhattan. Hilfiger (or HALfiger-9000 as I call him in reference to his monotonous android manner of speaking), met with everyone outside in Bryant Park to discuss the next challenge. One (more) thing that makes watching this show difficult is that it was filmed during January or February when hats, mittens, and coats were necessary. It’s just weird watching the show now in July with a bead of sweat trickling down my cheek from the summer heat – oh, wait… That’s actually a tear now that I realized the show had only just begun and I still had a full hour to endure.

Having seen the previews and having read the show's title ("I Just Stabbed Myself"), I had slightly higher hopes for The Cut last week. I knew it was going to be a really wild show with crazy rock and rollers, drunkenness, and with a bit of luck, Crazy Jeff stabbing himself to death. Ok, "to death" is a bit harsh - but it sure reads better than "stabbing himself to critical but stable condition." Before we got to the fun stuff, though, we had to review the devastation James' dismissal caused after last Style Forum. Everyone liked James. Hell, I even liked James! The Cutters couldn't believe HALfiger-9000 had a 404 Error and sent the wrong person home. Everyone would be on their toes from this point forward, that's for sure.

The producers unveiled a new HALfiger action figure this week, resplendent in leather jacket, jeans, and tough-guy construction boots (none of which looked the slightest bit worn). This new "Rock 'N Roll HAL-figure" addressed the gang from the world famous stage of CBGB's in Manhattan's Lower East Side. This legendary club is currently going through some major financial trouble and its' future is up in the air. I'm guessing the only reason they let a tool like Rock 'N Roll HAL-figure use its space is because CBS ponied up a hundred grand or so. Rock 'N Roll HAL-figure reminisced about his exciting days of yore. Once again, it was actually a potentially very interesting story, but HALfiger still does not have emotion programmed into his circuits so it - as always - sucked.

With Crazy Psycho Jeff getting cut last episode, I wondered how the show would be this week. I mean, that guy freaked me out and pissed me off, but he was fun to discuss in my recaps. With him gone, who would fill the void left by his departed lunacy? What would add excitement and unpredictability to the show from now on? Surely there'd be something. Lo and behold, my heart rate immediately doubled at the outset: The bottom quarter of my screen was filled with "Flash Flood Warning, Severe Thunderstorm Warning" and an endless crawl describing the terribly exciting result of water falling from the sky in large quantities when a cold front mixes with a warm front. I was mesmerized.

But unfortunately, there was a show going on at the same time that I had to pay attention to as well. Like all reality shows, the footage began at the moment immediately following the latest eviction. Shauna (Native American name: Waddles with Fox Coat) spoke for everyone, including me, regarding Jeff, "Thank god we got rid of that Bozo." Oddly, the conversation then took a turn and everyone lamented that Elizabeth was still around. Since day one, no one has liked Elizabeth, and I've never quite figured out why. Is it her Sally Jesse Rafael glasses? If only their reasoning was so logical.

With The Cut now in its 4th different timeslot on CBS, it's becoming almost fun to see it appear in my TiVo cue. The latest move, to Friday nights, appears to be its last stop on its collision course with Reality Oblivion. I guess they could shift it to UPN Saturday nights or something... Time will tell. This week's episode did benefit from the Tiffany Network's bold move to air Veronica Mars as a lead-in. And judging from recent TVgasm posts regarding that show, perhaps more than the usual 6 of you actually watched The Cut. And if you did, you saw the hands-down best episode of the year...

The Cut has been a tragedy from the get-go; horrible host, blatantly derivative format, boring cast, confusing challenges, arbitrary judgments, etc. Normally, I'd have given up on the show long ago... But unlike the show's Felix, I'm not a quitter. Felix, you see, was responsible for the title of this week's episode: "I'm a grown-ass man and I quit." I would have pegged him for a breast man, but I'm getting ahead of myself. So before we get to the cause of our intrepid Latino skateboarder's declaration, let's explore what brought him to the brink.

... And sweaty guys and squirts on shirts and bubble blowing and - you know what? Baseball is gay enough as it is, so no need to make it any gayer, Wes. What the hell am I talking about? In the latest episode of The Cut, Wes gave us his singular vision of what New York says to him: Hot guys with sweaty wieners and nice balls. And I say more power to him - it's about damn time we move past the 9/11 iconography and into a new age of homoeroticism. Transit cops, grow those mustaches and lose those shirts! Times Square, be the Pink Triangle you truly are! Homeless bums, pig piles on Fridays! Broadway shows, stay just the way you are, sister! But I digress... The show was about more than just Wes's gay fantasies as there were six others still competing for The Cut's crown. And the show is definitely picking up steam - Chelsea bath house steam, perhaps, but steam nonetheless.

The episode opened at the SoHo loft where the gang was commiserating over Rob Walker-from-Brooklyn's recent ejection. Chris, feeling guilty for selling his friend out, kept mindlessly repeating how much he loved Rob. Princess was bawling her eyes out. Um, people, isn't this a competition? Didn't Rob suck? Did you really think HALfiger would hire a guy who slopped fabric paint on t-shirts and shoes for a living? Get over it already. At least Wes did, stating, "I don't care that people are getting booted. That's one less person to worry about. I want to win and I'm about to get CRAZY!" Score one for the CBS foreshadowing department...Though I've been waiting for a night vision scene of a cockroach scampering across the counter, a la Survivor's nighttime crab-on-beach cliché. Make it happen, CBS, make it happen.

Felix strangles a mannequin. Artistic interpretation...

As has happened to many The Cut fans in the last few weeks, local affiliates pre-empted the show in favor of horribly bad NFL preseason games.  This week, the LA office was hit by a Raiders game and the East Coast office had already deleted the show from their TiVos.  As a result, we have a recap, but no screen captures.  Worse, cbs.com hasn't even updated their "photo galleries" for several weeks - Even they don't care about the show anymore.  So we've cobbled together some homemade drawings courtesy of B-Side in an effort to appease those of you who are illiterate and just come here for the pictures.

My last two "Cut" recaps were both ridiculously long - but that could be attributed to the fact that the last two episodes were rather compelling. Hell, dare I say that the last couple shows were even more interesting than a Beau or April HOH reign on Big Brother? Would The Cut sustain such lofty heights for 3 shows in a row? In a word - no. In four words - not even frickin close. Once again, the show succumbed to its own screwed up sense of what constitutes a good challenge - thoroughly over-thinking and unnecessarily confusing what could have been pretty interesting. Such is life with HALfiger and his gang. And such is my excuse for a (slightly) shorter recap.

Two shows are wrapping up their seasons tonight: The first, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, gets my vote as the funniest and possibly most interesting "celebreality" show since season one of The Osbournes. Unlike other star-studded reality shows (cough, Bobby and Whitney, Chaotic, The Anna Nicole Smith Show), Kathy Griffin actually brings something to the table. She seems refreshingly honest, and we actually get some sort of insight as to the obstacles she faces, both in her career and her personal life. We see what fuels her, and at the very least, we get a good number of laughs along the way, courtesy of her generally scathing remarks. If you haven't caught this brief season, check it out tonight at 10 PM on Bravo. Definitely one of the surprises of the summer. Oh, and I put the picture up of "Melanie" because she's my friend.

Another surprise of the summer has been The Cut and how completely derivative it is. You might not know it, but this show has actually been around for a few months now, and tonight, CBS moves it yet again (5th time) to a new time slot for the big finale. It's a shame, really. This show actually had a fantastic cast with colorful, energetic, and crazy characters. Alas, too bad Tommy was more rigid than Julie Chen playing freeze tag. For those interested to see who wins the big prize, tune in at 8 PM on CBS. J. Lo and Naomi Campbell will be making cameos, and we know they always lead to good things...

Have I lured you in with my deliciously cryptic title? (Because I damn well know the majority of you didn't actually watch last Friday's show.) I have to admit, I'm a little behind in my recaps because, well, I'm human and took a little break from reality TV in deference to watching the news channels. One of these days, a horrible natural disaster will impact a reality show (Survivor: Tsunami or Real World: Key West) and I'll be interested to see how it plays out on TV. I'm disgusted that Big Brother hasn't (apparently) told the hamsters about Katrina. To watch Ivette and April kvetch and bitch about the rigors of their Big Brother lives just doesn't sit well with me these days. But enough proselytizing from me - that's not why you come to this site. You're reading this because you just can't stand the suspense of The Cut and just need to know who the final three are for the finale Wednesday night. That's right, CBS has moved The Cut again (not to mention the multiple times it's been pre-empted regionally for NFL preseason games) and the finale has very likely already aired by the time you're reading this. Funny thing is, you don't give a shit.

I feel good writing this recap... I mean, there's only ONE MORE EPISODE and it's TONIGHT and then I'm done with Tommy Freaking Hilfiger and his robotic speech, boring stories, and simian visage. I'm done with the show that has only confused, befuddled, and angered me as a sentient adult. Yes! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'll admit, there were two or three decent challenges sprinkled throughout the long, nearly impossible to follow season - and a bunch of the cast were pretty interesting people. But with the inane social challenges that meant absolutely nothing (Princess, yes Princess is still in the hunt and if you'll recall her early "social challenges" consisted of her writhing like the drunken thrice divorced secretary at the company Christmas party doing her Michelle Pfeiffer impression from the "Fabulous Baker Boys" while reciting a poem that closely resembled a 2 Live Crew song...) and the challenges that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with fashion DEE-sign, well, then you'll understand my joy now that we're at the end. But, we have the little matter of the penultimate episode to deal with - and it was a doozy.

Hooray for us! We made it... To the finale of The Cut. I'd like to thank both of you for completing this journey with me. Honestly, how many of you can say that you saw every minute of this show - through the five timeslot changes, through the month of NFL pre-emptions, through all the clichés and the silliness? We should definitely give out prizes to those of you who did. In lieu of that, I guess we'll just have to re-live the finale and discuss who and how the show's big prize was doled out. The show included another daunting task, two new hats on the head of finalist Chris, and a return of Crazy Jeff - quite possibly the most fascinating reality contestant of the summer. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

The finale began, as all derivative reality finales do, with a quick review of episodes gone by. I call this, "six minutes I don't have to recap." One thing they did do, which I appreciated, was to point out the times in the past when finalist Princess wasn't exactly at the top of her game. In fact, the review only solidified my "why is Princess still here?" sentiment. One other thing stood out - and it was pretty cool. In the premiere, HALfiger noted, "First impressions are very important." Back then he explained how people initially judge on how you look, first and foremost. In other words, ugly people need not apply with his company. The point here was, that way back when CBS thought this show would be good Thursday night primetime fare, the first three contestants who were selected for teams (on looks/clothes alone) were none other than Chris, Princess, and Liz. Hmmmm, I thought for a split second that HALfiger just cut people based on the premise that he'd want these three in the finals so he could be shown to be a genius prognosticator. I'd believe it, especially after some of the arbitrary and seemingly unfair cuts he's made throughout the season. (James? Wes? Deanna?)