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I kill pets.
This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday...what is it, 65?I can't tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I miss anything? Probably not. Insert Troll and Trendy restaurant.
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: SINGLE WHITE FEMALE" »
Cry, but do it pretty for the cameras...
This week on the massive shitshow in my life that is THE HILLS, Kristin has a big 'ol party and invites the usual gang of idiots. Justin says he's not going to show, then does, and Kristin contemplates dating Brody...and vice versa after enduring Jayde's gross face for far too long. Blah Dead is boring as shit, and waters her plants. Also, Holly is still a filthy, filthy drunk.
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Feelings and pig-people (Jayde)" »
This Week: Zombie impressions, alcoholism and a lack of anti-frizz serum
A personal triumph for me: I only puked a little today when writing this recap! I think I'm getting desensitized. Anyhoo, Kristin goes home to Laguna to make out with her Dad, while HBUD and Spence have growing concern with Holly being fucking cool as hell, aka drinking a lot during important social events. Then, they stage an intervention/mockery. And...Justin Bobby comes face to face with his Dead-eyed old flame, and they talk about bullshit. It's all here, on The Hills!
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Douchey Habits Die Hard" »
For just 5 cents a day, you could take care of a Hill's member's costly feeding fee.
This week on the hills, Brody has his 26th surprise party and I'm wasted for the occasionI Jayde gets pissed that Kristin is there, but then laughs when she gets beaned by a water balloon and by Justin Bobby's fickle, fickle nature. Blah dead goes on a date with justin's friend but nothing happens and Stacie? Well, she's around.
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Stood Up and Shut up!" »
This week, the girls get makeovers.
Oh, the Hills. Where would we be without our regular dose of living assery? Probably not in MALIBU, watching this episode, where Justin Bobby finally puts his penis into Kristin's vagina. Also, Blahdrina is boring and everyone else is dumb.
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Bitch Trumps Bitch." »
Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance
This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie "Bulimia" Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the troll has a birthday...38? Just a guess. See it all here on THE HILLS!
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Bitches, Boobs, Heels and Hair" »
This week on MTV, two forces of evil narcissism joined in unholy, legal matrimony, and it was LC's final (finally!) episode on this wretched show. But you know, for the season finale of The Hills, you'd think MTV could have conjured a little more drama over the course of a seemingly unending hourlong episode than Stephanie whining like a 5-year-old and two shocking guest appearances at the wedding... shocking only to anyone who doesn't read US Weekly. And if you don't read US Weekly, what the hell are you doing watching this show? Luckily, we here at TVGasm have come up with a way to spice up this week's proceedings: you are now reading O. Snapp's final recap.
Weird that this is what comes up when one Google Image Searches "NOOOOOOO!"
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Something Barfy Something Blughhhh" »
Howdy Ho my little 'Gasmic lovebirds! This week was the second-to-last episode of the season (and second-to-last for the remaining sane character on the show, LC) and it was filled with petty tiffs between frenemies and a 30-minute will she?/won't she? concerned-look fiesta by Lauren over whether she'll attend the wedding of the century. It's okay, babies. IT'S ALMOST OVER. Welcome to "The Hills!"
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Feudal Blue Balls" »
On tonight's episode of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer GET ENGAGED!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!
HOLY SHIT! Again?
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: The Good, The Bad and The Fired" »
Buenos dìas, 'Gasminos! I'm back from my vacay with a collection of odd tan lines and a regret that I missed last week's Crazy Eyes-off between Jayde and Blahdrina. But never fear - this week's episode is full of exciting drama like... really bad hair accessories and psychotically mean smiles exchanged between idiots. Join me, won't you?
STOP. IT.
Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Kisses! Loathe Ya Laterz!!" »