The Hills

May 7, 2008

The Hills: New Bitch In Town

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You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight's show was one of those... only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we've come to expect. I don't know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it's okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won't you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don't show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y'all!

Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: New Bitch In Town" »

April 30, 2008

The Hills: Ex Marks The Spot

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"OH GOD I'm already sick of being on this show."

Welcome once again to the Fake Friendship Fest! Last time on The Hills, Audrina reunited with her scruffy ne'er-do-well, Lo showed her first buds of veiled bitchiness, and Heidi continued to be her usual "focus on ME, here, people" self. Tonight, it all (sorta) comes together into one big house party of non-confrontation. Oh well. Like LC herself, it's all kinda boring, but still pretty to look at.

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April 23, 2008

The Hills: Here Comes Trouble, And It's Wearing A Stupid Hat

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Somewhere, Lorenzo Lamas is turning in his fashion grave.


Tonight's episode of "The Hills" taught us that everything happens for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens. Or, wait, no... actually, everything happens because your life is controlled by a television team and when one door closes, all other doors will surely slam shut around you. Unless the slamming door is Blahdrina, in which case it will be left ajar.

Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Here Comes Trouble, And It's Wearing A Stupid Hat" »

April 16, 2008

The Hills: Going To The Same Bar Doesn't Count As "Space"

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"Riveting story, Stephanie. Do tell it again."


First of all, I'd like to say thank GOD this week we returned to the normally (blessedly) short half-hour episode. Much as I adore this show and all its brainless melodrama, a whole hour of it was starting to make my head feel all smushy. As of press time I can barely remember who was the 13th president of the United States. Let's end this madness now! (or in 30 minutes!) Welcome to The Hills, bitches!

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April 9, 2008

The Hills: Warning: Watch Only If Totally Stoned

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"Sigh, I wish they would cast me some REAL friends."


Do you remember in seventh grade, when all the girls and all the boys started noticing each other, and people would kiss (or... you know... whatever) while playing "Seven Minutes In Heaven" at a party and by Monday morning everybody knew everything? Like one giant game of Telephone, in this week's double episode of "The Hills," only about two things happened and the rest was everyone telling everybody everything.

Continue reading "The Hills: The Hills: Warning: Watch Only If Totally Stoned" »

May 7, 2008:The Hills: New Bitch In Town
April 30, 2008:The Hills: Ex Marks The Spot
April 23, 2008:The Hills: Here Comes Trouble, And It's Wearing A Stupid Hat
April 16, 2008:The Hills: Going To The Same Bar Doesn't Count As "Space"
April 9, 2008:The Hills: Warning: Watch Only If Totally Stoned
April 3, 2008:The Hills: A Wolf In Leelee Sobieski's Clothing
:The Hills: At Least We're Single!
March 26, 2008:The Hills: Les Collines
February 5, 2008:Good Lord, Heidi, Really?
December 11, 2007:The Hills: I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION
December 5, 2007:The Hills: No, I-I-I-I Don't Want to Fall In Love
November 28, 2007:The Hills: Don't Turn Around Now, You're Not Welcome Anymore
November 21, 2007:The Hills: One Woman's Childhood Dream is Another Man's Ordeal
November 14, 2007:The Hills: Sorry Means Never Having to Say You're Guilty
November 7, 2007:The Hills: That's The Way (uh-huh uh-huh) I Like It
November 1, 2007:The Hills: Something's Wronk
October 24, 2007:The Hills: Does it Really Matter?
October 17, 2007:The Hills: You Can't Depend on Anybody
October 3, 2007:The Hills: Double Down on Elodie
September 26, 2007:The Hills: I Can't Believe It
September 19, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Wait, Tell Me Again What Happened?
September 12, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Promises, Promises
September 5, 2007:The Hills: Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Brody Right Over
August 29, 2007:Jason Wahler: The Womanator
August 28, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Life's Tough. Get A Helmet
:Interview: Audrina Speaks Out
August 22, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Surprise!
August 16, 2007:Recap: The Hills: If A Speidi Gets Engaged And No One Films It, Did It Even Happen?
August 15, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Where's The Beef?
August 13, 2007:Tivo Alert: The Hills: OMG Lauren and Heidi Face Off!
August 6, 2007:Everybody hate Spencer!
July 6, 2007:LC & J-Wahl, together again. Together again??
June 22, 2007:J-Wahl says he's just like Lindsay Lohan
June 1, 2007:Heidi Montag's Million Dollar Boobies
May 11, 2007:Spencer Pratt takes the Paris fight to City Hall
May 10, 2007:Guess who's in rehab?
April 25, 2007:Heidi Montag's got a brand new bod
April 23, 2007:Shocking! Jason Wahler plays Russian Roulette
April 19, 2007:So is there a Lauren Conrad sex tape or not?
April 9, 2007:J-Wahl gets drunk and arrested again
April 5, 2007:A Lauren Conrad sex tape!!??
April 4, 2007:The End of the Road
March 27, 2007:Termination of Speidi?
March 20, 2007:Sidekick Discipline 101
:Live With Elodie From The Hills
March 13, 2007:New Year, Old Sidekicks
March 7, 2007:Lauren Conrad goes into the shmatta biz
March 6, 2007:J-Wahl is sentenced to J-ail
:Recap: Totally Dunzo
February 26, 2007:Recap: Every Day Should Be Lauren and Heidi Day!
February 20, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Whose Team Is Heidi On Anyway?
February 13, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Lauren Fights The Flower Power
February 6, 2007:Heidi from 'The Hills' shows her stuff
February 5, 2007:Recap: The Hills: You Cannot Touch The Spencer!
February 1, 2007:Somebody's Gonna Get Wasted Tonight...
January 30, 2007:Clipgasm: Gravity 1, Wh-wh-wh-Whitney 0 Edition
January 29, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Birthday Bash!
January 22, 2007:Recap: The Hills: Can't Hold A Candle To Lauren!
January 15, 2007:Recap: The Hills: The Honeymoon Is Over
September 25, 2006:Like OMG! J-Wahl Goes Back To His Prison Bitch!
September 13, 2006:Jail-Wahl?
September 11, 2006:Like OMG! Scandalous Pool Party!
August 31, 2006:Who's Partying Hard at the VMAs?
August 9, 2006:Let's Skip the Charade
August 8, 2006:Like OMG! Laguna Relationships Are Totally Dunzo!!!
August 3, 2006:French Twist
August 2, 2006:The Reel Brian
July 31, 2006:More Damning Evidence Against The Hills
July 27, 2006:Perfect Strangers?
:Crossing Jordan
July 20, 2006:Like OMG! She Totally Lied!
July 13, 2006:MySpace Stalking: Jordon Eubanks Edition
:Happy New Year!
July 11, 2006:The TVgasm Tour of Los Angeles
July 6, 2006:Like OMG! America's Next Top Model
June 29, 2006:Jason's Super Sweet Nineteen
June 23, 2006:Once J-Wahl Goes Black...
:Like OMG! Gnarly Love!
June 14, 2006:Working Girl
June 12, 2006:Like OMG! A Laguna Sighting!
June 9, 2006:Mystery Hanger-On of the Week
June 7, 2006:Dolt-House Productions
May 31, 2006:Like OMG! The Hills Are Alive!