Dear Blahdrina,
I know that, in today's world, it's hard for a woman to have it all - a career, friends, and a boyfriend who showers at least once a month and doesn't cheat on you. But seriously, can you at least TRY to make it seem like you're not being such a weak buffoon on national television? If not for me, then at least for the sake of your future homeless children. The whole world doesn't have to know that their mother's a moron. That's what the Spears family is for. XOXOSnapp
So this week's episode opens at Epic, where Chiara is breaking the news to Blahdrina that they'll have to be in the studio with Brandy later that week. Horrors! You know, last weekend a friend and I were comparing the dynamics between all of the "Hills" characters (it was a very deep discussion) and we decided that Chiara is probably the smartest person on this show. Maybe in all of Los Angeles. She always seems to talk to Blahdrina like a hipster kindergarten teacher might, normal and a little wry but with a gentle tinge of condescension. Which takes a lot more restraint than I would have. I'd probably be more like this:
"Huhhhh?"
That's confusion, terror and fascination, FYI. A nice monkey WTF, if you will. Anyway, Blah says she's excited to be in the studio, because there she can just zone out and forget everything that's been giving her herpes lately. "Cabo was that bad, huh?" Chiara asks. Blahdrina responds that Pigpen spent the weekend torturing her, and I wonder why in the world MTV would cut out the waterboarding scene? Give the viewers what they want! Chiara reminds Blah that Pigpen isn't really interested in her unless it's a game. (duh of the week, by the way. Congratulations to Cindy from Akron, Ohio - you've won a gift certificate to Applebee's for calling that one in.) Blahdrina surmises that she probably shouldn't jump from relationship to relationship, which makes Chiara dryly congratulate her on finally growing up. For your subtle disdain, Chiara, I salute you.
"Maybe we should get you started on that finger painting."
After the commercial break, we reemerge in a fabric store and I wonder if my remote accidentally switched over to a Bravo marathon of "Project Runway."
Where's Andre?
Naw naw, it's just the store our fashion gals must peruse as they pretend to work on a project for "school." I wonder how annoying it must be to go to fashion school when one has already released a line of horrendously boring clothing? It's probably akin to taking Italian 101 when you've already seen all of the "Godfather" movies. You only know random shit like "cannoli" and "vaffanculo."
Anyway, the girls gab about the Cabo trip (ha ha, I like that Stephanie assures LC that she "didn't miss much" while she was gone... as if the world keeps turning while she's away!) and Steph challenges the veracity of LC's allegations of "shipments of girls" being flown in for the suckage of Brody's balls. "Why would Doug do that??" Stephanie despairs. "Umm, because boys like girls?" LC gently reminds her.
And sometimes boys just like boys. And that's okay.
Stephanie brings up her new boy toy Cameron, and when she tells LC they're officially "together," LC makes her classic "Oh my God I'm so sorry you're happy" look: her entire face falls the same way it might if you told her a bunch of puppies and kittens had just been thrown overboard a Carnival Cruise ship, then it softens into a wee smile as though you'd ended the story with, "... but it was okay because a rainbow of love caught them before they drowned."
Stephanie tells LC, just as she'd told the Aryan lovers, that it's official because they'd had "The Talk." That's right, capital T, capital T. LC is all atwitter and I wonder, if this is such a big deal, why didn't WE get to see T.T.? Is it because T.T. may also be known as "salary negotiations" and involved a contract or two? Furthermore, if a dude is hired as a "love interest" to someone on the show, does that make him a whore? Or does that make the girl a whore? Or does that make both of them whores?
No comment from The Experts.
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Comments (9)
LOVED when Lauren pushed Brody into the pool. Did anyone see her on Letterman? The "Brody would be living in a tree if it weren't for TV" was my favorite part.
P.S. I'm from Akron, can I have a gift certificate too?
1 of 9 | Posted by susie | Posted on October 29, 2008 8:17 AM
The past few episodes have been beyond boring. I hate this constant focus on Audrina and her lameass dates. I've barely paid attention at all. Somehow, though, your recaps have remained hilarious O Snapp!
Give me Heidi and Spencer any day. At least their antics make me laugh or get me angry or make me go OMG WTF can't believe he just said that!
The best part of the Letterman interview was when he called Lauren out on the fact that maybe something's wrong with HER, not everyone else she constantly criticizes/gets all holier-than-thou on.
I'm starting to get really bitter about this show! :(
2 of 9 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on October 29, 2008 10:52 AM
Wow, the last few episodes have been soooo uneventful and boring. God, I had to bring down a couple of magazines to peruse whilst the show was on to keep myself from dying of BOREDOM.
Anyways. The only things I remember about this episode was how Steph's boyfriend looked constantly pissed, Brody is becoming increasingly dislikable, Spencer's facial hair seems to have turned grey and Chiara is officially my fave character. After reading your recap, I was surprised to find out Audrina was even in this one. Gee whiz, I must have just zoned out at those parts.
3 of 9 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on October 29, 2008 1:30 PM
ok, i have watched the hills since it first started and dont think ive missed an episode...well, it has been so BORING and the same shit happening all the time which is basically just someone explaining to someone else what happened the night before like the WHOLE EPISODE...and its so fake beyond words..
anyways..i havent watched the last like 5 episodes..im officially OVER IT.
sometimes i can't even read the recaps (even tho they are hilarious) cause i just dont give a flying fuck anymore!
4 of 9 | Posted by loves2play05 | Posted on October 29, 2008 1:39 PM
This episode was AWFUL. Audrina's ONE storyline involving her dysfunctional relationship with JB is so boring I could barely finish the episode.
A note to producers: Maybe you should have Lauren, the MAIN CHARACTER, on the show for more than two minutes? That'd be great.
5 of 9 | Posted by kiwi | Posted on October 29, 2008 3:27 PM
chiara reminds me of elodie.....i miss elodie. hey wait! audrina's storyline & drama away from the hills parallels the heidi/spencer storyline from a couple years ago....we all know how that turns out.
6 of 9 | Posted by mrngstar | Posted on October 29, 2008 4:09 PM
Okay, the show blah blah blah.
The recap solid gold
O. Snapp. you rock baby
but this people...
get with my program
Heidi gets her ass fired next week for Fing up on the job........
this is going to get very very very good.
where the hell are they going to live.... with Holly> >?
brouuuhhhaggsgsgagaa
7 of 9 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on October 29, 2008 10:15 PM
Girl needs to whack Justin Bobby upside the head with her purse. Or her boobs - I'm sure they're nice and hard.
Is it wrong that I'm so maddeningly disturbed by how stupid Audrina is?
I have a friend like her, actually. Her boyfriend is totally abusive and he's a complete TOOL, but he knows exactly what to say to get her to come running. I can't even talk to her about him anymore because I just start yelling. He's also a jerkwad to her friends (namely, ME) because he KNOWS that she'll take his side over mine or anyone else's. Douche.
Also, I wonder if Stephanie has gained weight? Her face definitely looks pudgier.
8 of 9 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 30, 2008 11:31 PM
Faces always look a bit puffy after a good night of boozing...or whatever it is they do on The Hills.
I know everyone is saying the same thing, but I'm totally disappointed in the show. It makes me so irritated to know that I'm going to fast forward 20 minutes of commercials and get 10 minutes of show.
The previews are just exactly all that's going to happen in the episode anyway...so why not just catch the preview online and call it a day at this point?
9 of 9 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on October 31, 2008 6:42 PM