The two lovebirds share a very, VERY quiet car ride. When I can hear the lyrics of your emotive pop song, the date can't be going well. But it's okay, LC's got the cure: a seductive glance (while he's focused on the road, good one! Maybe later you can try to French him while he's chewing) and reminiscing about high school. You know, Conrad, this didn't work with Col-Letme, I don't see how it'll charm the pants off of this quarterback. But I guess you've gotta talk about something.

They begin with cocktails at the restaurant. She orders a Fuzzy Dragon; he gets the Wooly Cootch. Just kidding, he gets a beer and LC, ever the conversationalist, claims that "your drink says a lot about you." Yeah, like the fact that you're an alcoholic. She reads his personality based on his Stella Artois and according to her, he's a "guys' guy."

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You don't say.

Get this girl a crystal ball! He asks if that's a good thing and, in her classic weird-subtle flirtation, Lauren stares at him for a few seconds and shrugs/whimpers, "Hm!" Ohhhkayyyy... well, when he tells her she's gorgeous, she does meow (and I do mean meow), "ThaaankYeeww." That's how we know she really likes this guy - she turns into a complete pussy and then purrs like one.

He asks if he can see her again (wow, even before cocktails!) and in response she wobbles her head in the style traditional to India - neither a nod nor a shake. Over there it means yes, over here it's a touch noncommittal. She invites him to the pool party that weekend and his face immediately drops as though he's about to pull the, "Oh jeez.... hmmm, THIS Sunday? Uhhh I don't know if I can make it." But fear not, our girl reels in her prey and they complete the scene by smiling flirtatiously, exchanging plans for their upcoming sexual adventures telepathically for ten full seconds of back-and-forth shots.

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"I'm thinking... cock ring?"

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"Where've you been all my life?"

We return to family hour at Spence 'N' Heidi's, where Holly is certainly feeling her presence treasured as Heidi mutters, "We wake up a lot later than you do. We're late birds" (um, night owls, perhaps?) when Holly graciously offers to make breakfast for everyone.

Spencer, who looks like he's hiding just around the corner and peeking before he enters stage right, blatantly refuses the meal that Holly's already made for him. Heidi bitches him out for being such a rude jerkoff (and he counters with the can't-touch-this retort "Mind your own business") while, in the background, Holly is noting that the dishes look like they've been in there for about a month. She's growing up to be more and more like her mother every day!

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"When oh when will I find a woman and not another mommy?" Answer: when you stop acting like a bratty 8-year-old.

Looks like someone has a hangover! To complete his return into full douchenozzle mode, Spencer ambles back to his bedroom and slams the door. I hope he got paid overtime for that scene, seeing as he clearly had to show up for it way before his usual call time.

At the day-drinking event of the year, Blahdrina's B-day Party, Lauren makes fun of Frankie and Doug for wearing matching jerseys. This would be a valid fashion objection on her part except for the fact that she and Lo are wearing identical dresses (same color, no less).

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"How weird! We all look exactly alike!!"

At the shindig there is a clear divide between LC's friends and Blah's friends. All of Blah's look like they just stepped off the Brooklyn-bound L Train into Williamsburg (crazy mohawks and all!) while LC's friends all wear the expression of a well-dressed schoolmarm with a ruler up her arse. And when I say "all of LC's friends," I of course mean Lo, who is in the kitchen busy practicing her Lifetime-Movie-Of-The-Week face.

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Not My Puppy, Not This Time

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Comments (24)

MrsBojangles:

Great recap!!

I hadn't noticed Lo's costume change, but good detective recapping! LOL.

I'm excited about the upcoming season, but, like you, this season premiere left a lot to be desired...well...I guess that's point, huh? I'm excited either way!

pange:

Okay, first I must admit...I was really upset when B-Side left the sight, and pretty much boycotted all of the second half of season three. However, it is summer and I work in a school and therefore have nothing to do. But, I am VERY VERY (for all it's worth) happily surprised!

I agree with the season premiere lacking. I mean, a half hour and NOT commercial free?

And the dance off comment killed me. Whenever my friends get in pointless arguments (one was about whose piece of bologna looked more like a snowflake), it is ended in a dance off. I mean, is there any other way?

And did you know the Dun Dun Doug is Casey from LB2's brother? It's true!

Also, when Lauren was in the car on the way to the date, did anyone else immediately realize this would be another one of her meaningless, boring dates that are made of creepy stares and twirling of hairs? (wow)

michigan:

Great recap! I am thrilled to say that I will not have to watch a second of this hideous "show" and will only read your hilarious recaps.
Thanks for taking the bullet for me!

kelseym13:

i bet audrina and heidi's sister are going to get an apartment together.

lady_guinevere:

A little more detective work.. I'm pretty sure the guy with the red mohawk at Audrina's party was that creepy Jeremy dude from Tila Tequila.

When you see his face, it looks like him. Plus, I think they actually yelled out "Jeremy" when he arrived.

tvkitty:

this season on the hills...

stephanie pratt dates doug? WHAT?! How does Lauren find such shitty friends. yuck yuck yuck

mandymax:

I totally missed the costume change!

Awesome recap - it's been awhile since a "Hills" recap made me laugh out loud!

Fayellis1:

Here is a part of this "reality" I don't get. If LC has not seen Doug for a long time and ran into him in "this small world" Why did he show up wearing matching clothes to 2 people she see and talk to all the time?! Obviously they know him and knows where he lives so if she was so interested in him, why didn't she just ask Frankie or Brody "Hey the next time you are out with Doug doing the douchiest thing on earth..you know grown ass men who are not gay dressing alike buying clothes, tell him to give me a call"

jozeyg:

Team Audrina =)

I was happy when Lo first started showing up on The Hills. But she needs to lighten up. Just because some people aren't exactly like her doesn't mean she can't be friends with them. There needs to finally be a smackdown on The Hills. So much tension and hatred lately, someone HAS to get in a fight already!

Actually, Lauren did run into Doug. She had mentioned at the beach premiere party of The Hills that she was out one night and ran into Brody and Frankie and Doug was with them. She had found out from him that he's been living in L.A. and he became friends with Brody and Frankie. She didn't know that Brody and gang knew Doug until she bumped into them.

Fayellis1:

Actually, Lauren did run into Doug. She had mentioned at the beach premiere party of The Hills that she was out one night and ran into Brody and Frankie and Doug was with them. She had found out from him that he's been living in L.A. and he became friends with Brody and Frankie. She didn't know that Brody and gang knew Doug until she bumped into them.

Still don't sound like "reality" to me. He just "happens" to become friends with 2 other cast members of the Hills.

MissKatrina:

First of all, I used to LOVE the cartoon "Doug". Too bad this particular Hills-Doug was super lame.

Given all the fakery reported about this show in tabloids etc, it's hard to believe, but impossible to not watch! Hills, why dost thou taunt me?!

Lo was being dumb at the party, but in her defense, she probably didn't feel like making small talk with people that associate w/ Blahdrina, as Blahdrina is vapid, and thus her cohorts are likely to share said characteristic. I imagine a conversation going something like this:
Lo: "So how long have you lived in LA?"
Person: "(Blink)(Blink) Yeahhhh totally!"

Spence-tard's outrageous douchiness made me laugh, regardless of its veracity...that and his invisi-beard, good lord!

Did anyone watch the summary of previous seasons prior to the premiere? Heidi used to look like a person, now she looks like a Xanadu reject.

chickadee2586:

Just an update: Perez Hilton Posted pics of Lauren recently having lunch with Heidi's sister!

beth26:

"i bet audrina and heidi's sister are going to get an apartment together."


Or maybe when Audrina moves out of the cottage, Holly can move in to the cottage. That would be good drama.

cleoiam:

I know I'm in the minority, but I'm over Audrina. I side with Lo on this. I think a few years back she wanted to get on television and befriended Heidi when they started filming. I didn't see any of this weird side to her then. I think she changed herself to befriend both Heidi and Lauren. Now that she's "in" she wants to only hang around with her weird friends who are nothing like the friends she's made over the past couple of years. Why didn't she invite any of her record company co-workers to her party? I wonder how comfortable they would feel with that crowd?

uglycutie:

This epi was lame. If I was all up in this mix ....like Lo who I know believe does not offer anything (goo or bad). Ok, so I,,,,WHEHERES THE SHIFT KEY.......... oK, i go in as Lo and convince Lauren so sleep with everyone because that how men really fall in love. get preggers as insurace, as all this is going on Im bagging every hot guy...main guy,,,hangeron...who cares. these whores have noooooo idea, tee hee, have fun...sooner or later ur gonna end up looking like Body Jenners mom and having piece i=of shit like Spencer, So Fly free, fuck free, tell Spencer to fuck off.

--disclaimer-
Written by uneducatted lady with a great set of knockers (cancel each other out? hmmm) super horney at momment and flying hiiiiigggggh on prescribed meds. plus corona and lime. do not try at home I am a moron.

Scorpio:

I liked the recap, especially the part about Lauren's date. How boring is she???
Also it seems like according to tabloid world she's not dating Doug. They'd be a cute couple so what is it with this girl and not being able to maintain a functional relationship?
bring back she-pratt!

shia0bundan:

Lol @ uglycutie.

Lauren= snore
Lo= spunky, always like her on Laguna Beach
Audrina= Kind of being a bitch, but but still like her
Heidi= Asinine, hope she gets some scenes with LC
The Hills= OVER.

zona9:

I can't stand Audrina and and love love love Lo. Audrina has no personality. None. Zero. Being dumb and staring blankly isn't a personality. Lo, on the other hand, has a great personality. She's funny as hell and is smart enough to realize that going to college is probably a better career move than posing for soft core porn cheesetasic nudie pics like Audrina did. Why in the world should Lo have to pretend to like Audrina's loser friends? Did you get a look at those people? Complete losers. Lo is also a loyal friend and she gets points for at least trying for the sake of Lauren-which is the only reason she did try at all. She knows Lauren is stressed over the situation so Lo gave it a shot. Audrina, on the other hand is a shady liar and a lousy friend. Remeber when she said to Lauren that she wouldn't go and start hangin out with Heidi because she knew what horrible things she had done to Lauren? Two seconds later Audrina was doing just that. I really hope Lo and Audrina have a real fight because Lo would bury Audrina. Audrina doesn't have the IQ to verbally eviscerate someone but Lo does.

yankeesfan:

I was actually thinking the same thing about Audrina. She used to be a girly girl and was best friends with Lauren and Heidi. There was no punk rock sense from her until Justin Bobby came into the picture. It does seem like she changed herself in order to get cast on the show. That, however, does not make it OK for Lo to be a complete bitch to her. No, they don't have to be friends but they can at least be civil.

Lauren is so weird with guys! She thinks all she has to do is play with her hair, make googly eyes and smile and guys will love her. I was so uncomfortable during that whole date!

efk2020:

xanadu reject...that's hilarious!! i agree about the fighting. in earlier seasons it was more light hearted. not as many pointless fights. and heidi is just a creepy little robot person now. ew.

georgiababe:

I actually liked this episode. It may not have revealed much itself, but we can see that there is much to come.

I am liking Holly - she seems to have an IQ higher than her shoe size, unlike Heidi the Vapid.

Plus, I heard (or maybe read, I don't remember) that Holly and Lauren bond over Spencer - as in, they both hate his guts.

As for Doug - I love how he asked her what she's been doing since high school. Does he live under a rock? I mean, c'mon dude.

And the Lo/Audrina thing - I'm on the fence. I never saw season 1, so I can't comment on Audrina changing her personality to get cast, but to me, she's always been girly, but with a bit of a rocker edge. Hencer her taste in men and even haircolor. (I mean, most LA twits dye their hair blonde.)

On the one hand, Lo tried to be nice and helped Lauren with the party. BUT for the actual party, she acted like a total snob "We'll just have to enjoy the company that comes" and whined about not knowing anybody. I've been there too sweetie, but you have to suck it up and make it work, otherwise you can't claim that you're making an effort.

As for Audrina, I don't really think she's trying anymore because, like she said, she doesn't care. Wasn't there an occasion last year where they were all at a club and Lauren and Lo left and she was trying to find them? I felt so bad for her then. I think she should try to reach out to Lo, but when somebody alienates you for so long and acts like a passive-aggressive bitch, there's not a whole lot of motivation.

But overall, even though I actually like Lo better as as person/character: score 1 for Audrina. Nil for Lo.

And we need more Whitney!

alex_w:

Oh em gee, I like, TOTES loved Audrina this episode, you know??? Like, she just told it like it was. Random!

miss tint:

I really hope the Heidi/Spencer storyline will develop into a Romeo & Juliet type of deal. The Montague's and the Prattulets. It's already halfway there, they just need their sisters (and then their families) to go to war and the whole thing will be perfect.

dani2526:

Excellent recap!!!! Thanks!!!

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