Outside, Mohawk is getting tossed into the pool while Lauren complains that her party is a complete disaster. Actually, Blahdrina looks like she's having a great time, laughing and drinking with people who don't sit around and pout. It's only a bad situation for you, Lauren, the NON-BIRTHDAY GIRL. Frankie, who always seems to step in whenever advice needs dispensing, suggests that maybe the other two chicks just shouldn't be friends. "But... does that mean it all ends??" wonders Lauren aloud. Well, it depends on what you mean by "it all." If you're talking about the continuation of time and space, no. If you're talking about your relevance in pop culture, no. (that deal is sealed, sweetie.) If you're talking about your cohabitation situation, definitely.

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"But what about my quest for meaning?"


It's already time for Holly's graceful exit. I knew she couldn't stick around for too long. We only need a voice of reason 4 or 5 times per season. See you in a few weeks! She sighs that she's just missed Heidi so much lately. I'm sorry honey, but the Heidi you used to know and love (cute, bubbly, nice, stupid) has been forever replaced by Heidi 2.0 (plastic, worried, bitchy, stupid). Be sure to let the folks know to change the name on her Christmas stocking.

But maybe I spoke too soon about Holly. Out of nowhere, she suggests moving from Colorado to L.A. and maybe she can stay with them for a little bit? Spencer gives his classic bad-dad "Don't worry, I'll beat you for this later. Right now I'm gonna go grab a Bud" look of disapproval.

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*grunt* "spencer ain't happy, no he ain't" *grunt grunt*


After Sis gets takes off in the cab, the lovers have a wee quarrel outside of their building. No surprise there. He's a jerk, she's a bitch. At least he offers to get Holly an apartment. Okay, let's all pretend I didn't just congratulate Spencer for not condemning Holly to homelessness.

At P.R., Lauren recaps the pool party for Whitney's listening pleasure. Does she not know I exist?? Jeez. Anyway, nothing worth mentioning happens in that scene. However, at the house, Lo and her big goofy ears bop on over to the Blahteau ("For Brunettes Only!" Seriously, nothing good ever happens when a blonde enters that house) for The Big Confrontation. The first thing I can say about this scene is that there is a definite and undeniable costume change within the first fifteen seconds.

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Second Five: The Purple Shirt



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Second Thirteen: The Black Shirt


Huh. Can we get continuity to supervise please?

Also, for once, Blahdrina is well-lit and doesn't look like a bride of the undead.

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"I'm nobody's bride. I belong to Jesus."


Anyway, Lo zips through the small talk in her usual chipper way, until rushing to the end of her pool party wrap up with "yeahitwasfun, um... I need to talk to you about that." She apologizes for not being around. That's a good start. They talk about their forced friendship and both agree that it just hasn't happened, at all. The convo feels like a marriage counseling session about their bad sex life.

Lo blames Blah for not trying. Blah feels like she's on the outside (maybe it's because you live in a mini-house in the backyard). Lo deflects blame again. Blah blames her "bad energy." Lo claims to want to be friends. Blahdrina doesn't care. Literally, she says "I just don't care." She then declares their friendship stillborn and I've gotta say, this gal is really growing on me. Tell it like it is, sistah!

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"Whoops! Did I say perky twat out loud?"


And so ends the beginning of our fourth season. I didn't mind this episode but I felt it lacked the power of a real season premiere. What did you guys think? What do you hope happens this season (that they haven't showed on the previews)? I hope that Lauren bangs a different guy every week and becomes the much-needed "Samantha" of this prim group of ladies. That, and a dance-off between Heidi and Stephanie.

Good to be back, y'all. I'll leave you with a collection of the stellar work of our dear cameramen. See ya on the boards!

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041808_35Camera%202.png



041808_36Camera%203.png



041808_37SlitSlut.png

Slit Slut, I salute you.


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Mmmm, lemonade.

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Comments (24)

MrsBojangles:

Great recap!!

I hadn't noticed Lo's costume change, but good detective recapping! LOL.

I'm excited about the upcoming season, but, like you, this season premiere left a lot to be desired...well...I guess that's point, huh? I'm excited either way!

pange:

Okay, first I must admit...I was really upset when B-Side left the sight, and pretty much boycotted all of the second half of season three. However, it is summer and I work in a school and therefore have nothing to do. But, I am VERY VERY (for all it's worth) happily surprised!

I agree with the season premiere lacking. I mean, a half hour and NOT commercial free?

And the dance off comment killed me. Whenever my friends get in pointless arguments (one was about whose piece of bologna looked more like a snowflake), it is ended in a dance off. I mean, is there any other way?

And did you know the Dun Dun Doug is Casey from LB2's brother? It's true!

Also, when Lauren was in the car on the way to the date, did anyone else immediately realize this would be another one of her meaningless, boring dates that are made of creepy stares and twirling of hairs? (wow)

michigan:

Great recap! I am thrilled to say that I will not have to watch a second of this hideous "show" and will only read your hilarious recaps.
Thanks for taking the bullet for me!

kelseym13:

i bet audrina and heidi's sister are going to get an apartment together.

lady_guinevere:

A little more detective work.. I'm pretty sure the guy with the red mohawk at Audrina's party was that creepy Jeremy dude from Tila Tequila.

When you see his face, it looks like him. Plus, I think they actually yelled out "Jeremy" when he arrived.

tvkitty:

this season on the hills...

stephanie pratt dates doug? WHAT?! How does Lauren find such shitty friends. yuck yuck yuck

mandymax:

I totally missed the costume change!

Awesome recap - it's been awhile since a "Hills" recap made me laugh out loud!

Fayellis1:

Here is a part of this "reality" I don't get. If LC has not seen Doug for a long time and ran into him in "this small world" Why did he show up wearing matching clothes to 2 people she see and talk to all the time?! Obviously they know him and knows where he lives so if she was so interested in him, why didn't she just ask Frankie or Brody "Hey the next time you are out with Doug doing the douchiest thing on earth..you know grown ass men who are not gay dressing alike buying clothes, tell him to give me a call"

jozeyg:

Team Audrina =)

I was happy when Lo first started showing up on The Hills. But she needs to lighten up. Just because some people aren't exactly like her doesn't mean she can't be friends with them. There needs to finally be a smackdown on The Hills. So much tension and hatred lately, someone HAS to get in a fight already!

Actually, Lauren did run into Doug. She had mentioned at the beach premiere party of The Hills that she was out one night and ran into Brody and Frankie and Doug was with them. She had found out from him that he's been living in L.A. and he became friends with Brody and Frankie. She didn't know that Brody and gang knew Doug until she bumped into them.

Fayellis1:

Actually, Lauren did run into Doug. She had mentioned at the beach premiere party of The Hills that she was out one night and ran into Brody and Frankie and Doug was with them. She had found out from him that he's been living in L.A. and he became friends with Brody and Frankie. She didn't know that Brody and gang knew Doug until she bumped into them.

Still don't sound like "reality" to me. He just "happens" to become friends with 2 other cast members of the Hills.

MissKatrina:

First of all, I used to LOVE the cartoon "Doug". Too bad this particular Hills-Doug was super lame.

Given all the fakery reported about this show in tabloids etc, it's hard to believe, but impossible to not watch! Hills, why dost thou taunt me?!

Lo was being dumb at the party, but in her defense, she probably didn't feel like making small talk with people that associate w/ Blahdrina, as Blahdrina is vapid, and thus her cohorts are likely to share said characteristic. I imagine a conversation going something like this:
Lo: "So how long have you lived in LA?"
Person: "(Blink)(Blink) Yeahhhh totally!"

Spence-tard's outrageous douchiness made me laugh, regardless of its veracity...that and his invisi-beard, good lord!

Did anyone watch the summary of previous seasons prior to the premiere? Heidi used to look like a person, now she looks like a Xanadu reject.

chickadee2586:

Just an update: Perez Hilton Posted pics of Lauren recently having lunch with Heidi's sister!

beth26:

"i bet audrina and heidi's sister are going to get an apartment together."


Or maybe when Audrina moves out of the cottage, Holly can move in to the cottage. That would be good drama.

cleoiam:

I know I'm in the minority, but I'm over Audrina. I side with Lo on this. I think a few years back she wanted to get on television and befriended Heidi when they started filming. I didn't see any of this weird side to her then. I think she changed herself to befriend both Heidi and Lauren. Now that she's "in" she wants to only hang around with her weird friends who are nothing like the friends she's made over the past couple of years. Why didn't she invite any of her record company co-workers to her party? I wonder how comfortable they would feel with that crowd?

uglycutie:

This epi was lame. If I was all up in this mix ....like Lo who I know believe does not offer anything (goo or bad). Ok, so I,,,,WHEHERES THE SHIFT KEY.......... oK, i go in as Lo and convince Lauren so sleep with everyone because that how men really fall in love. get preggers as insurace, as all this is going on Im bagging every hot guy...main guy,,,hangeron...who cares. these whores have noooooo idea, tee hee, have fun...sooner or later ur gonna end up looking like Body Jenners mom and having piece i=of shit like Spencer, So Fly free, fuck free, tell Spencer to fuck off.

--disclaimer-
Written by uneducatted lady with a great set of knockers (cancel each other out? hmmm) super horney at momment and flying hiiiiigggggh on prescribed meds. plus corona and lime. do not try at home I am a moron.

Scorpio:

I liked the recap, especially the part about Lauren's date. How boring is she???
Also it seems like according to tabloid world she's not dating Doug. They'd be a cute couple so what is it with this girl and not being able to maintain a functional relationship?
bring back she-pratt!

shia0bundan:

Lol @ uglycutie.

Lauren= snore
Lo= spunky, always like her on Laguna Beach
Audrina= Kind of being a bitch, but but still like her
Heidi= Asinine, hope she gets some scenes with LC
The Hills= OVER.

zona9:

I can't stand Audrina and and love love love Lo. Audrina has no personality. None. Zero. Being dumb and staring blankly isn't a personality. Lo, on the other hand, has a great personality. She's funny as hell and is smart enough to realize that going to college is probably a better career move than posing for soft core porn cheesetasic nudie pics like Audrina did. Why in the world should Lo have to pretend to like Audrina's loser friends? Did you get a look at those people? Complete losers. Lo is also a loyal friend and she gets points for at least trying for the sake of Lauren-which is the only reason she did try at all. She knows Lauren is stressed over the situation so Lo gave it a shot. Audrina, on the other hand is a shady liar and a lousy friend. Remeber when she said to Lauren that she wouldn't go and start hangin out with Heidi because she knew what horrible things she had done to Lauren? Two seconds later Audrina was doing just that. I really hope Lo and Audrina have a real fight because Lo would bury Audrina. Audrina doesn't have the IQ to verbally eviscerate someone but Lo does.

yankeesfan:

I was actually thinking the same thing about Audrina. She used to be a girly girl and was best friends with Lauren and Heidi. There was no punk rock sense from her until Justin Bobby came into the picture. It does seem like she changed herself in order to get cast on the show. That, however, does not make it OK for Lo to be a complete bitch to her. No, they don't have to be friends but they can at least be civil.

Lauren is so weird with guys! She thinks all she has to do is play with her hair, make googly eyes and smile and guys will love her. I was so uncomfortable during that whole date!

efk2020:

xanadu reject...that's hilarious!! i agree about the fighting. in earlier seasons it was more light hearted. not as many pointless fights. and heidi is just a creepy little robot person now. ew.

georgiababe:

I actually liked this episode. It may not have revealed much itself, but we can see that there is much to come.

I am liking Holly - she seems to have an IQ higher than her shoe size, unlike Heidi the Vapid.

Plus, I heard (or maybe read, I don't remember) that Holly and Lauren bond over Spencer - as in, they both hate his guts.

As for Doug - I love how he asked her what she's been doing since high school. Does he live under a rock? I mean, c'mon dude.

And the Lo/Audrina thing - I'm on the fence. I never saw season 1, so I can't comment on Audrina changing her personality to get cast, but to me, she's always been girly, but with a bit of a rocker edge. Hencer her taste in men and even haircolor. (I mean, most LA twits dye their hair blonde.)

On the one hand, Lo tried to be nice and helped Lauren with the party. BUT for the actual party, she acted like a total snob "We'll just have to enjoy the company that comes" and whined about not knowing anybody. I've been there too sweetie, but you have to suck it up and make it work, otherwise you can't claim that you're making an effort.

As for Audrina, I don't really think she's trying anymore because, like she said, she doesn't care. Wasn't there an occasion last year where they were all at a club and Lauren and Lo left and she was trying to find them? I felt so bad for her then. I think she should try to reach out to Lo, but when somebody alienates you for so long and acts like a passive-aggressive bitch, there's not a whole lot of motivation.

But overall, even though I actually like Lo better as as person/character: score 1 for Audrina. Nil for Lo.

And we need more Whitney!

alex_w:

Oh em gee, I like, TOTES loved Audrina this episode, you know??? Like, she just told it like it was. Random!

miss tint:

I really hope the Heidi/Spencer storyline will develop into a Romeo & Juliet type of deal. The Montague's and the Prattulets. It's already halfway there, they just need their sisters (and then their families) to go to war and the whole thing will be perfect.

dani2526:

Excellent recap!!!! Thanks!!!

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