It was a level-4 week on The Hills, as the girls crash the Brocation, Blahdrina hypnotizes Broday by swinging her tits in front of him, and Spencer and Heidi (thankfully) spend less time talking about therapy and more time talking about something you never thought they would: virginity.
"You're getting verrrrry horny..."
Despite the fact that the dudes told them they were expressly NOT invited to Hawaii, the girls see their trip as an opportunity to surprise the boys and stimulate the economy. We all win! Blahdrina probably also sees it as several days of quality Brody time without Jayde and her bizarrely large mouth to compete with. LC, Lo, Blahdrina and Stephanie (wait, Stephanie? seriously?) disembark the plane while lamenting the coldness of Los Angeles (a frigid 40 degrees!) and giggling nervously about how the upset the boys are going to be in about three seconds.
Where's a runaway Acme truck when you need one?
The boys, meanwhile, are maxing and relaxing at the resort, drinking Bud Lights and hailing their own calmness in decidedly faux gangsta accents.
"Ah, all I need right now is a good B.J. And I don't mean Brody Jenner."
Just as they're thinking how great it is to be surrounded by fellow sausages on their homoerotic tour of the tropics, the four-pack of obnoxious stalker chicks rounds the corner and they give an enthusiastic, "Aren't you excited to see us??" Um, no? Broday looks less than thrilled as he sarcastically mimics their greeting and continues to sip on his Corona. The girls give no explanation for their unexpected arrival but instead say those three magic words: "Let's do shots!" You gotta give it to them, they've a great strategy: when confronted, distract your attacker with SoCo and lime.
"Good news! We brought Parcheesi!"
Later they lay on the beach, slathered in coconut oil and debating the best place to have a party that night. Might I suggest your pants? Maybe it's just the old-fashioned manners I grew up with, but I would think that if you have the audacity to crash someone else's vacation, the least you could do is host a party in your own hotel room. Blahdrina, who, thanks to clever framing by MTV cameramen, appears to be topless, babbles about Pigpen as she gazes lustfully out at Brody surfing, while LC wastes her time texting. Do you really want to be staring at a tiny, binary code-interpreting piece of technology when you have HAWAII in front of your face?
For once, Lo's head comes in handy.
Stephanie must be incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin, because in addition to the hideously shapeless dresses and oversized, bulky fur vests she wears in regular life, she can't even bring herself to defrock for the beach. She lounges in what appears to be a couture muumuu as she and Blahdrina gab about a parallel universe where Pigpen had come on the trip with them. And he gave a shit about Blahdrina. Steph badgers Blahdrina about how fucked up their relationship is, and Blahdrina has to firmly tell her she's fine. I feel like everyone on this show is constantly just stopping short of telling Steph to mind her own goddamn business.
"Perhaps these large clothes will somehow dwarf my perfectly acceptable body, instead of making it look worse than it actually does. Perhaps not."
Back in L.A., the Aryan lovers are living out my own personal version of hell: perusing the relationship self-help section of Barnes & Noble. Heidi nudges Spencer toward books about "the soul of truth" and "boundaries" while he applauds himself on not immediately looking through the Playboy books. Way to go, Grownup! Heidi, whose cross necklace is extra-large today, announces that Colby is coming for a visit. You don't say! The handsome, virtuous ex-boyfriend you "unexpectedly" ran into in Colorado is coming to California just as you're having virtue problems with your fiancée? What a crazy, coincidental world we do not live in. Heidi makes the excellent point that Spencer has no reason to be jealous, it's not like they're going to dinner with Stacie The Bartender. Yeah, there's almost zero chance you'll catch herpes if your night with Colby ends up in a game of pantsless musical chairs.
"Ooh! John and Cindy McCain's guide to a loveless trophy marriage!"
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Comments (12)
Awesome recap. Who would have thought that Brody and Audrina's hookup would be less interesting than the Bible thumping kids from Colo?
When you compare Speidi with the "Donny & Marie" of couples, they look even sleezier. I didn't think that was possible.
I hope that Speidi never reproduces, imagine how they would screw up a kid.
1 of 12 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on April 29, 2009 4:57 AM
How sad for Heidi's mom to see her lovely Christian daughter end up with the spawn of Satan. So sad.
Didn't we already know Blah was a whore? Did we really need to see it played out in an episode? The hookup was so stupid! What purpose did it serve? Justin Bobby WILL NOT BE JEALOUS. And she is SUCH a hypocrite hooking up with Brody OF ALL PEOPLE! We all know LC is still on a string for him, boyfriend or not. Horrible. No wonder LC wants off this show. A bunch of treacherous losers.
And in case anybody cares, the definition of fornication is "consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other." Seems pretty clear to me. And what if Colby and whatever her name was die virgins? If they've lived a happy life with no regrets, isn't that the best way to die? There are plenty of people who are non-virgins who defintely have regrets. And many times, it's the morning after. ;) Ha!
2 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:45 AM
"fornification" I wanted to throw soemthing at the tv when she said that. Pure, but an airhead nonetheless.
I can't believe B&A hooked up. On national television, no less. Poor LC, Brody's like the new Stephen Colletti.
3 of 12 | Posted by pecosa | Posted on April 29, 2009 8:33 AM
My "The Hills" mantra:
"THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE! THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE!"
Unfortunately, this mantra does not protect me from the horror of the Real Hausenfrau of Noo Yawk Sitty, who, I suspect, are not very far off from being exactly as they're portrayed.
4 of 12 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 29, 2009 8:42 AM
Why is it that Whitney can kiss Brody in Vegas and Audrina can sleep with him in Hawaii, but when Jen Bunney hooked up with him on her birthday she was banished from Lauren's pristine circle forever? Her double standards are rather perplexing.
5 of 12 | Posted by User Name | Posted on April 29, 2009 9:07 AM
So, I just wanted to add that I think when Whitney kissed Brody it was Brody initiated and she def wasn't feeling it. Also, I might be wrong but didn't that happen before Whit even knew Lauren? With Audrina, 1. This storyline is supposedly fake and 2. she's been dating another dude off camera for some time now. I think with Jen Bunney, Lauren had only recently stopped hooking up with Brody and Heidi played a large part in orchestrating the whole thing.
Ok, that's all.
6 of 12 | Posted by Chickadee2586 | Posted on April 29, 2009 12:05 PM
And of course Broday couldn't not bump nasties w/ 'Drina, he vowed to commit fornification with all (lady)Hills cast membersthe first season!
7 of 12 | Posted by Sweetleaf911 | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:11 PM
Oh, a great recap as always! I nearly spit orange soda all over the keyboard...
This show is just like 90210 the older much better series. Everyone sleeps with everyone and everyone hates everyone while pretending to like everyone. Whoa.
I can't believe that Spencer and Heidi are legally married now.. and not just that but in Mexico? really? Not a great idea...
I feel sad for Lauren because you can tell she has no desire to really be on t.v. anymore... and well I am sure she is a much more exciting person without the cameras in her face. She just wants her privacy and I don't blame the girl.
Audrina would be a much better choice for brody if she hadn't been shot up full of justin bobby juice. The looks of that Jade chick alone make me shiver...
8 of 12 | Posted by whit-ster | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:40 PM
God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tommorow. His word is clear. But, as humans, our flesh is weak and we are going to fail over and over. God's Mercy and Grace are sufficent.
9 of 12 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:43 PM
IT SEEMS LAUREN AS CHECKED OUT OF THIS SHOW, SHE JUST HAD THAT I DON'T CARE LOOK. REMEMBER WHEN AUDRINA WAS LAUREN'S QUIET LITTLE SIDE KICK, WELL, I GUESS NOW SHE THINKS SHE IS A STAR :ROLL EYES: AND WHILE BRODY MIGHT BE CUTE HE IS DIGUSTING, IS FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT IS NAUSEATING
10 of 12 | Posted by nflow | Posted on April 30, 2009 12:53 AM
Deadrina.. I mean Blahdrina posted a blog on her myspace saying the show is so editted and that she would never hook up with a friend's ex and then she was probably made to delete it. Yes, it's FAKE FAKE FAKE. Jayde was also with the Brodester at Speidi's wedding and I don't think a playmate would forgive an average for cheating on her.
I think Jayde is hotter than Blahdrina anyways. I'd take her face over Blahdrina's thin lips and staring at the ceiling all the time.
11 of 12 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on April 30, 2009 11:09 AM
One of our local radio stations had Speidi on talking about their wedding. Both claim to not watch the show at all (yeah right). When the DJ mentioned the Brody/Audrina hook up in Monday's episode, Spencer quipped that Brody was probably at the free clinic now. So funny! So I guess even Spencer knows how skanky Audrina is - even though he was dating her in Season 1 and used her to make Heidi jealous. Spencer also said that he constantly pours over the internet reading every single comment about him, good or bad, just to change himself/his looks to suit everyone. He's a bit over the top. If that were true, he would have gotten rid of that flesh colored beard long ago! I bet he LOVES The Soup! :)
12 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on May 1, 2009 6:58 AM