The sun is setting over Oahu and the gang is continuing their constant buzz with drinks in the hot tub. The guys discuss the relative sexiness of Blahdrina's bathing suit, while Lauren passes beverages to the guys and seethes silently. Blahdrina gives as decent of an attempt at doe eyes as a zombie could. Everyone turns around to count down the final moments of daylight - and through the magic of television, the sun races to the bottom of the horizon as they reach zero.
Now that it's night, Stephanie has gussied herself up and unsuccessfully attempted to combine two awful fads: the Pocahontas headband and the '80s revival. I cannot believe this chick has spent all these years in fashion school and not learned a damned thing.
Next week: High-waisted leopard print cargo pants.
The Jacuzzi being a giant, tepid cauldron for STDs and all, Steph decides to stir the pot and ask Blah in front of everyone whether she considers herself single. Blahdrina confirms, and I'm just wondering why Steph's boobs are all up in Brody's grill. Do I sense a mite of competition amongst skanks?
Psst, Brody, whatever you do, DON'T LOOK UP.
Brody answers for her, and declares in his authoritative, pompous way that "if some guy LITERALLY blows Pigpen away," then Blahdrina would totes go for said guy. I am highly doubtful of Brody's knowledge of the word "literal." Anyway, this causes Blah to go all googly-eyed at Bro, and we all know that HE is that some guy.
Fantasizing about Brody blowing Pigpen. Away.
On the mainland, Colby and his girlfriend Ashley (awww they're so fucking Christian) have arrived for their breaking of bread double date with Heidi and Spencer. Ashley is really weird-looking in that she's blond and tan, but not hideous. How is this possible? She somehow still looks like a creature of nature. I'm getting uncomfortable. She perkily hopes aloud that Heidi will be nice. Ha! Just wait, Precious, you're just about to enter a funhouse of plastic surgery and passive aggression.
Inside the restaurant, Spencer is deluding himself on Heidi's virtue, theorizing that Colby is probably still a virgin and therefore never got past, say, second base with Heidi and therefore Heidi has never had sex with anyone but him. Ha ha, just a wee leap in logic, no biggie. The couples meet and greet and talk about shopping. Ashley, who has clearly never seen the show or read an US Weekly, chirps to Heidi, "You look so different! Colby's mom has shown me pictures of you, you don't even look like the same person!!" Heidi remains silent, unsure of how to explain the depth of her own vapidity to a girl wearing a modestly sleeved, floral print dress.
She asks them if they want a cocktail, which they each refuse for simple water. Perhaps they're waiting for homeboy Jesus to show up and turn it into wine (cheapskates!). Colby says he's never even had a sip of alcohol, and Ashley agrees, explaining that nothing good ever comes from it. You don't have to tell that to Mr. and Mrs. Patròn across the table.
"We're high on life!"
With both his sole point of conversation and his strategy for fun for the night eliminated, Spencer steers the conversation toward something as mundane as where the happy couple is staying. They reply that they got separate rooms at the Orlando. "Separate rooms?" Heidi repeats, with hand gestures to reiterate. "Yep!" Ashley says happily. She's more than excited to tout the benefits of saving oneself for marriage. In response, Heidi compares Spencer to Hugh Hefner. First of all, Dear Heidi and Spencer, please let me hear 100% less about your sex life. Secondly, I, for one, think this is an insult to Hef. It would be hard to have a blonde eightsome with Heidi yapping about therapy in the background.
Though I imagine she'd be the Pomeranian in this scenario.
Colby proves his purity by claiming he doesn't even DANCE. What is this, "Footloose?" Spencer, having lost any envy he once had toward the young Christian, suggests the two of them do some boxing the next day. "I KNOW you have some aggression to get out," he smirks. Ha ha! What a dick.
I hope Colby uses the next day as an opportunity to punch Spencer in the 'nads.
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Comments (12)
Awesome recap. Who would have thought that Brody and Audrina's hookup would be less interesting than the Bible thumping kids from Colo?
When you compare Speidi with the "Donny & Marie" of couples, they look even sleezier. I didn't think that was possible.
I hope that Speidi never reproduces, imagine how they would screw up a kid.
1 of 12 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on April 29, 2009 4:57 AM
How sad for Heidi's mom to see her lovely Christian daughter end up with the spawn of Satan. So sad.
Didn't we already know Blah was a whore? Did we really need to see it played out in an episode? The hookup was so stupid! What purpose did it serve? Justin Bobby WILL NOT BE JEALOUS. And she is SUCH a hypocrite hooking up with Brody OF ALL PEOPLE! We all know LC is still on a string for him, boyfriend or not. Horrible. No wonder LC wants off this show. A bunch of treacherous losers.
And in case anybody cares, the definition of fornication is "consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other." Seems pretty clear to me. And what if Colby and whatever her name was die virgins? If they've lived a happy life with no regrets, isn't that the best way to die? There are plenty of people who are non-virgins who defintely have regrets. And many times, it's the morning after. ;) Ha!
2 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:45 AM
"fornification" I wanted to throw soemthing at the tv when she said that. Pure, but an airhead nonetheless.
I can't believe B&A hooked up. On national television, no less. Poor LC, Brody's like the new Stephen Colletti.
3 of 12 | Posted by pecosa | Posted on April 29, 2009 8:33 AM
My "The Hills" mantra:
"THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE! THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE!"
Unfortunately, this mantra does not protect me from the horror of the Real Hausenfrau of Noo Yawk Sitty, who, I suspect, are not very far off from being exactly as they're portrayed.
4 of 12 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 29, 2009 8:42 AM
Why is it that Whitney can kiss Brody in Vegas and Audrina can sleep with him in Hawaii, but when Jen Bunney hooked up with him on her birthday she was banished from Lauren's pristine circle forever? Her double standards are rather perplexing.
5 of 12 | Posted by User Name | Posted on April 29, 2009 9:07 AM
So, I just wanted to add that I think when Whitney kissed Brody it was Brody initiated and she def wasn't feeling it. Also, I might be wrong but didn't that happen before Whit even knew Lauren? With Audrina, 1. This storyline is supposedly fake and 2. she's been dating another dude off camera for some time now. I think with Jen Bunney, Lauren had only recently stopped hooking up with Brody and Heidi played a large part in orchestrating the whole thing.
Ok, that's all.
6 of 12 | Posted by Chickadee2586 | Posted on April 29, 2009 12:05 PM
And of course Broday couldn't not bump nasties w/ 'Drina, he vowed to commit fornification with all (lady)Hills cast membersthe first season!
7 of 12 | Posted by Sweetleaf911 | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:11 PM
Oh, a great recap as always! I nearly spit orange soda all over the keyboard...
This show is just like 90210 the older much better series. Everyone sleeps with everyone and everyone hates everyone while pretending to like everyone. Whoa.
I can't believe that Spencer and Heidi are legally married now.. and not just that but in Mexico? really? Not a great idea...
I feel sad for Lauren because you can tell she has no desire to really be on t.v. anymore... and well I am sure she is a much more exciting person without the cameras in her face. She just wants her privacy and I don't blame the girl.
Audrina would be a much better choice for brody if she hadn't been shot up full of justin bobby juice. The looks of that Jade chick alone make me shiver...
8 of 12 | Posted by whit-ster | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:40 PM
God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tommorow. His word is clear. But, as humans, our flesh is weak and we are going to fail over and over. God's Mercy and Grace are sufficent.
9 of 12 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 29, 2009 6:43 PM
IT SEEMS LAUREN AS CHECKED OUT OF THIS SHOW, SHE JUST HAD THAT I DON'T CARE LOOK. REMEMBER WHEN AUDRINA WAS LAUREN'S QUIET LITTLE SIDE KICK, WELL, I GUESS NOW SHE THINKS SHE IS A STAR :ROLL EYES: AND WHILE BRODY MIGHT BE CUTE HE IS DIGUSTING, IS FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT IS NAUSEATING
10 of 12 | Posted by nflow | Posted on April 30, 2009 12:53 AM
Deadrina.. I mean Blahdrina posted a blog on her myspace saying the show is so editted and that she would never hook up with a friend's ex and then she was probably made to delete it. Yes, it's FAKE FAKE FAKE. Jayde was also with the Brodester at Speidi's wedding and I don't think a playmate would forgive an average for cheating on her.
I think Jayde is hotter than Blahdrina anyways. I'd take her face over Blahdrina's thin lips and staring at the ceiling all the time.
11 of 12 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on April 30, 2009 11:09 AM
One of our local radio stations had Speidi on talking about their wedding. Both claim to not watch the show at all (yeah right). When the DJ mentioned the Brody/Audrina hook up in Monday's episode, Spencer quipped that Brody was probably at the free clinic now. So funny! So I guess even Spencer knows how skanky Audrina is - even though he was dating her in Season 1 and used her to make Heidi jealous. Spencer also said that he constantly pours over the internet reading every single comment about him, good or bad, just to change himself/his looks to suit everyone. He's a bit over the top. If that were true, he would have gotten rid of that flesh colored beard long ago! I bet he LOVES The Soup! :)
12 of 12 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on May 1, 2009 6:58 AM