On this week's episode of "The Hills," BLAHDRINA IS A DEPLORABLE DUMBASS. Which we already knew, but it became more unbearably evident than ever before. Plus, she goes through the whole episode looking like that chick Alotta Fagina from "Austin Powers," with or without the buoyancy of water.
Less awful and more fuckable than Blahdrina.
LC leads us in with a recap that ends, "Blahdrina was beginning to wonder if ANYONE could replace Pigpen." Um, how about that bum walking along the train tracks carrying only a satchel tied around a stick? Anyway, Blahdrina enters LC's room and compliments her on her use of pictures. Indeed, LC has used her design education to become a fashionista of the body AND of walls. "Yah! We did that for fun," LC smiles, which makes me relieved that no one required her by law to decorate. She's quick to note, however, that they purposefully used silly photos so as not to seem too posed. I think Heidi and Spencer could take a tip on that one.
This one hangs on their fridge.
So on the boards last week there was some confusion as to the true identity of the throwaway fella Blahdrina was dating - could he be the same as the Australian we met last year at the Halloween party? It was decided amongst the commenters that no, that dude was Corey. Well what do you know? Not thirty seconds into this week's episode and Blahdrina randomly says, "Hey, remember that guy Corey?" It seems Blahdrina's been making time with him lately, which pleases Madame LC to no end. "He was a good guy," she whimpers, neatly hanging clothes in her closet.
Blahdrina's quick to note that she hasn't told Pigpen about it yet, and that he's getting fussy over the fact that she hasn't called him back. LC (dressed in a shirt that is... dare I say it... Bedazzled?) approves. Blahdrina muses on the ethics of a relationship with someone you're just fucking. LC can sympathize, alluding to a past lover who she thought she didn't care that much about until he started banging someone else. Hmmmm. Which one of her previous beaus could she be talking about?
ALL
OF THE
ABOVE
Blahdrina sighs and stares at some dots on the ceiling. "He's a weird one. I don't get him." There's nothing to get. HE'S A JERK. HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE YOU. They based a whole "Sex and the City" episode after this. "But that's why you like him!" LC chirps condescendingly after rolling her eyes, concluding that the normal ones are "no fun." Hmmm. Good advice from one who'd know?
"Mental note: CALL HEIDI'S MAKEUP GIRL."
At the Karma Coffeehouse, the Central Perk of "The Hills," site of many a Pratt argument and boba-choking extravaganza, Stephanie emerges from her car looking not a little like Courtney Love circa "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Totally killed Kurt.
As usual, Spencer doesn't look up from his uber-important MySpace updating when his sister sits down beside him and asks what's up. He sighs that things are insane, and that he doesn't know who he dislikes more: Heidi's sister or her mom. I'll bet on c) Heidi's last shred of independent thought. Spencer does an adorable imitation of Heidi's perfectly reasonable mother, ending with, "I'm like, Settle down, stalker mom!" Which is actually pretty funny considering Debbie or Dina or whatever Mrs. Montag is called was probably TOTALLY a soccer mom. Conversely, he classifies Holly as "mooch of the century" based on the fact that he has to "work" in a coffee shop because she's watching all his TiVO.
"Now now, don't get jealous of her mooching skills."
He concludes that he can't imagine disliking a sister more, which is supposed to bolster Stephanie's broken spirit. "That's a demented compliment, but thanks," she says. I would actually classify that as a straight-up double-edged insult, actually. In no way is that nice to anybody, backhandedly or otherwise.
Spencer mentions Heidi's love letter to Lauren with chagrin, complaining that she went and sent that damn letter without letting him even spell-check it! Seriously guys, this is what he said. Personally, I'd hope Heidi would at least let him be her human thesaurus, but not everyone's so lucky. He's hurt that this is the first secret she's ever kept from him. Well, at least it's the first he's ever found out about. I'm sure she's got a few skeletons in that vast Vuitton-filled closet of hers, beginning with all the orgasms she's surely faked, and ending with...
Her cabana boy Pedro?
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Comments (13)
God, this was a sucky and uneventful episode.
Audrina is acting awfully whore-y and stupid... maybe she's just ovulating. :):):)
1 of 13 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on October 14, 2008 3:49 PM
The most painful part of this show is knowing that in real life she is still seen out with JB. And she honestly believes that Lauren would touch that mess? They must have done some careful editing to make sure those tan balloons didn't float up to the surface -- those things are out of control. Audrina makes me sad.
2 of 13 | Posted by jito | Posted on October 14, 2008 4:39 PM
Is it just me, or did Cory used to have a huge, horrible mole on his face that was nowhere to be seen last night? It's pretty much the only reason I remembered him to begin with.
Also, I'm continually amazed by how amazingly shiny Heidi always is. It's mesmerizing.
3 of 13 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on October 14, 2008 6:03 PM
I'm with you.
And yay, you also know that "wherefore" means "why," not "where"! ;)
4 of 13 | Posted by DaffyMaiden | Posted on October 14, 2008 11:52 PM
Darn the Justin Bobby's of the world!! I totally feel Blahdrina...sorry!!
5 of 13 | Posted by tifne22 | Posted on October 15, 2008 4:55 AM
Your screencaps of Heidi and Spencer's intellectual conversation was hilarious! Good job.
Stop hating on my poor Audrina. She can't help it that she's making THE mistake on tv. I think most girls have had that guy who are just no good terrible people, who make you cry and do weird things but you REALLY like them. Let's just hope this isn't something Audrina does all the time. However, if it is...well that's just dumb.
Also I caught the reference to Lauren neatly hanging things in her closet. She was just throwing that stuff in there, what was that about?
6 of 13 | Posted by MrsBojangles | Posted on October 15, 2008 6:17 AM
Heidi, I can hate. She has totally changed from Season 1 to the famewhore we see now. She and pubeface deserve each other.
Audrina, I feel sorry for. Somewhere in her life she got the idea that this is acceptable and she doesn't deserve a guy who'll treat her right. It's really sad.
7 of 13 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on October 15, 2008 7:22 AM
I used to feel sorry for Heidi...now I hate her.
Audrina is heading down the same path. Quit making the same stupid mistakes as all the other castmembers on this show!
Great recap by the way. :-)
8 of 13 | Posted by creecher | Posted on October 15, 2008 7:43 AM
This recap was hysterical.
Re: The Cabo conversation. Not only does Blahdrina have NO self-respect, she seems to be completely unaware of the health risks this "relationship" is posing. Justin Bobby looks like the kind of guy who would bang anything, and he doesn't seem the condom "type." Girlfriend needs to get herself checked out at a clinic immediately.
I also had a WTF moment when Frankie (who looks worse by the episode, Coke-bloat much?) deemed JB one of the "boys." They seemed to pick Doug up totally at random too, once Lauren started hanging out with him...
It was beyond rude of Spencer to not even look away from his computer during the talk with Stephanie!
9 of 13 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on October 15, 2008 8:36 AM
The dumbest thing about that "scandalous" pool-scene was that sure, Audrina took her top off, and sure JB got in, but SHE STILL HAD TO PURSUE HIM IN THE WATER!!! And then, after she kissed him a couple of times, HE SWAM AWAY!! DUH! I'm sure we didn't see the entire time they were in the pool, but he still wasn't all over her. He just got in the water. LAAAAAAAAAAME!
I can't believe all the crap that Heidi puts up with. The thing is, she likes her life with Spencer. They are famous together. I'm sure she thinks about how she'll go back to oblivion if they break up. I'm sure Lauren won't be her friend again since she's changed so much.
The ironic/dumb thing about Spencer (one of them) is that he is always hollaring about LOYALTY and he's mad at Stephanie for going against FAMILY, yet he THROWS (or maniuplates)OUT HEIDI'S sister!! She's HEIDI'S and potentially HIS FAMILY! It's just out of control.
Did you notice in the coffee shop when he was whining to Stephanie about Holly being there, as soon as she suggested that HEIDI had to be the one to throw Holly out, a light bulb went off in his head! What? Manipulate Heidi to get her to kick her sister out? Consider it DONE!
10 of 13 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on October 15, 2008 10:57 AM
You know who Audrina reminds me of? Sharon Stone's character in Casino. She just can't pull herself away from James Woods. Wait, what? Hey, just because I can't formulate a coherent thought doesn't mean I don't have a point.
11 of 13 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on October 15, 2008 11:06 AM
You get a hell yeah AND a high five for not only spelling soliloquy right, but for using "Wherefore" in the right context! And DaffyMaiden, you are now in my good books for knowing that too.
I'm an English major, concentrating on Shakespeare...hence my OCD about it.
Also, agree 100% with mrsc regarding Heidi and Audrina.
And LAjane, no Corey didn't have a mole, he had a lip ring that he has since (thankfully) gotten rid of. Also, I noticed that they spelled his name Corey in the Season 3 Halloween episode, yet they spelled his name Cory at dinner. Typo, I guess.
Fantastic recap!
12 of 13 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 17, 2008 4:28 PM
ohmigod...YES you get a hell yeah for spelling soliloquy right on my first try? Fuck you, spell check for reals..seriously. Did a total spit take on that..my husband is gonna be pissed about the keyboard.
As far as Audrina - I remember acting like a total moron just like her...taking what I could from that one asshole cause I loved him...'course I think I was more like 19, not 22 or 23, but it is what it is. She will eventually feel like a total jackass and this douche will most likely never understand what he has done since he has the IQ of a gnat.
In several years, after she's built up her self esteem or whatever and she goes to him looking for some long awaited apology she will be sorely disappointed when he asks "what for?"....hate him. He has no idea and for that he is actually a bigger piece of shit than Spencer - which I thought entirely impossible.
Awesome recap!!!
13 of 13 | Posted by realitee | Posted on October 21, 2008 8:59 PM