"Riveting story, Stephanie. Do tell it again."
First of all, I'd like to say thank GOD this week we returned to the normally (blessedly) short half-hour episode. Much as I adore this show and all its brainless melodrama, a whole hour of it was starting to make my head feel all smushy. As of press time I can barely remember who was the 13th president of the United States. Let's end this madness now! (or in 30 minutes!) Welcome to The Hills, bitches!
As we return to our beloved blondie-fest, Heidi is paying a wee visit to Blahdrina at her place of business, since Blahdrina is now her only chance at friendship (save for those paparazzi at US Weekly). Her face continues to morph into an unrecognizable blob of shiny California glow-iness. One more application of Lip Venom and it's likely to melt right off!
I can't decide if this look is Pure Sunny Evil or Bumblebee Biker.
She and Blahdrina head out for lunch, where Heidi remarks on the astounding reality of the cafeteria. Indeed, darling, it's not just a soundstage. And they have real food too! The two new best buds sit and chat and eat. Well, Blahdrina eats. Heidi doesn't touch hers, preferring instead to use her mouth for one of her two favorite activities: talking about herself. She goes on about what a travesty it is that their friendship has suffered just because of some silly misunderstanding with some other chick. Wait, what was her name again? Anyway, Heidi convinces Blah that The Fight had nothing to do with her and that it's no reason that THEY can't be friends again. Except for that little thing called loyalty. I mean, isn't that what friendship is? Having your girl's back when she gets emotionally betch-slapped? I don't get why everyone on this show (and this generation as a whole) never wants to pick sides when there's a disagreement. Just be a man! Pick a side! Decide who you think is right and go with it.
"You're really missing out on this Neverfood."
As we hear the beginning bars of our opening credits song, Heidi invites Blahdrina out for a "Girls' Night Out" with her and Stephanie. I'm pretty sure it should then be called "Bleached Shrews' Night Out," but let's not get stuck on the technicalities of the situation. Like any good peon should do, Blahdrina stares uncomfortably at Heidi and gives her assent through silence.
At People's Revolution, dozens of skinny, leggings-wearing wannabe celebs mill about, waiting for their chance to impress Kelly Cutthroat enough to be in her fashion show. Lauren squeezes in as though she's nobody, nobody at all and finds a breathless Whitney in the middle of a slew of tasks, one of which being leaning against a desk and watching a model strut around in panties and a bra.
We hear Cutthroat before we see her, as she's calling out, "Bianca Gomez! How old are you now?!" and upon hearing the ripe old age of 19, "Omigod, you look so cute in that lingerie!!" Well, at least she's of age. She and LC become acquainted through a series of big smiles, handshakes, and looking each other up and down.
"You can call me LC. Someday I'll own you."
The action begins as Whitney plays with a Polaroid camera and LC helps Cutthroat do some casting of exotic lingerie-wearing models (who may or may not be Bianca Gomez) who parade around with out-of-control bouncing funbags. But don't worry, this is equal-opportunity sexy time, and Kelly lays her critical eye upon one gentleman, whom she declares "perfect." All we see of him is his dick arrow, but I can't disagree with the woman.
Kelly whips around to see if LC's paper-clipping collage task is finished and when she sees they've barely started, she groans, "OhmyGOOOODDDD you guys are so slow!" LC and Whit just look at her, look at each other, gesture wordlessly and sigh. But there's no time for a comeback because Kelly just turns around and walks away. Indeed, there is no "pause" feature on the DVR of life, ladies. I'm sorry.
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Comments (12)
What is Kelly Cutrone doing in fashion? And was that Chantal from ANTM on the runway? It sure looked like her cheesy grin.
1 of 12 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on April 16, 2008 10:50 AM
I am soooo excited for next week - "We're looking for a house together. What are YOU doing?"
Love the recap, especially Spencer vs. Spencer (in a wig)!
2 of 12 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on April 16, 2008 11:23 AM
I'm sorry, but I have to be on Spencer's side on this one. What does Heidi want? She kicks him out of the apartment(which i thought was his apartment in the first place since he got it) and tells him to basically leave her alone. And she expects him to just sit at home waiting for her until she decides if she wants to come back?? ...so basically she wants to break up....it's not space!..it's a breakup! She said she wants a 'relationship vacation' What the hell is that? That's called breaking up Heidi!
But Spencer doesn't have to know that cuz Spencer should just sit at home waiting. She doesn't want Spencer but she doesn't want anyone to have him either. If the tables were turned and Spencer wanted the space, you know Heidi will be out there flirting with guys.
At this point......Heidi is more evil then Spencer is.......and Spencer should just kick her to the curb......and find someone else that can actually make facial expressions. Seriously....Heidi looks like those 40 year old housewives that had too much plastic surgery.
And just wanted to quote on what Mr. Joel Mchale said on The Soup about Stephanie asking Spencer when is he gonna get a job. 'uh,...he's got a job and It's what you're on right now' Funny =)
3 of 12 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on April 16, 2008 11:29 AM
I had to comment on your lit iPhone observation. I have an iPhone and it is supposed to be dark when you're on the phone, but it does look I see the screen that is supposed to be there when you're on a call. Hmmmm...
And, I do totally have to agree with Spencer about Heidi's relationship vacation. Why should he just sit around forever waiting for her to make a decision? She's basically broken up with him and just doesn't want other girls to have him.
4 of 12 | Posted by chickadee2586 | Posted on April 16, 2008 12:52 PM
(Maybe she forgot the fish tank episode too.)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
5 of 12 | Posted by tifne22 | Posted on April 16, 2008 2:01 PM
I LOVED the "4th wall." Clever! I really enjoyed this recap...I especially like the tags under the pictures.
I actually like having back to back episodes if for nothing more than receiving a bit more information in one sitting. I watched it live this week rather than DVR and it annoyed me to have to sit through looong, dumb commercials for little payoff.
6 of 12 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on April 16, 2008 3:42 PM
These recaps make this horrible show worth watching. The Freddy Mercury/guy from The Darkness comment was priceless!
As a science wonk, I have to point out one mistake: Kelly Cutthroat's black and white world would best be viewed with your rods, not your cones. Cones are what let us see in color. (I'm a biology grad student. Forgive me?)
I hate it when Heidi is so stupid that she makes the Spencetard and his pube-face seem logical. Blech!
7 of 12 | Posted by MissKatrina | Posted on April 17, 2008 7:18 AM
Great recap. Very funny.
8 of 12 | Posted by MrsBojangles | Posted on April 17, 2008 7:53 AM
you are the best Hills recapper since B-Side. i love you , you are very funny and witty, and frickin awesome. Thanks for saving the hills recaps!!
9 of 12 | Posted by PARTYSUNFLOWER | Posted on April 17, 2008 4:38 PM
you are the best Hills recapper since B-Side. i love you , you are very funny and witty, and frickin awesome. Thanks for saving the hills recaps!!
10 of 12 | Posted by PARTYSUNFLOWER | Posted on April 17, 2008 4:38 PM
B-side was spot on in this recap about a couple things: these people are seemingly incapable of forming opinions as well as expressing themselves. It's like being at fat camp with ten-year-olds.
The scene in which Spencer & Heidi are arguing in the bathroom hallway gave me chills, simply because as a 24-year-old dude (yes, ashamed to admit I watch this drudge), I know what's it's like to defend my actions.
When that bulimic model chick looked back after Heidi was all like, "Hi,"... priceless.
11 of 12 | Posted by kizik | Posted on April 18, 2008 10:10 PM
Sorry to O. Snapp... his/her recap was so good I THOUGHT it was B-Side. Plus #10 confused me... too much whiskey tonight.
BTW I was wrong. Kids as fat camp are totally capable of forming opinions. "You're fat."
12 of 12 | Posted by kizik | Posted on April 18, 2008 10:15 PM