Happy spring, my young chickies! Did you spend a long, bitterly cold winter missing the vicarious sunshine of Los Angeles, Lauren Conrad and her comrades? Neither did I. More importantly, did you miss me? Luckily, this week's double-episode season premiere featured partial makeups, partial breakups, and an inexplicable overabundance of blow-up doll impressions by our fair heroines, so there's plenty of ground to cover. Welcome to "The Hills"!
As Lauren recaps last season for us, she intros season 5 by remarking that her birthday was approaching. Isn't it always someone's birthday on this show? I'm beginning to think that the producers just invent birthdays, half-birthdays and very merry un-birthdays as a reason to gather these bitches together for a drama-fest. In any case, at a generic-sounding place called Snack Bar, Stephanie Pratt is sitting patiently at a table and staring blankly into space. Either she's waiting for someone or she's stoned out of her gourde. And although Heidi meets her there, I'm still going to go with the latter explanation, based on her following behavior.
"Wheeeeee!"
She says that "life is, like, really relaxed right now." You live in L.A. and you don't have a job. Isn't life always relaxed? But I'm guessing it's not just the sunshine that's setting her into an abyss of bliss. As she talks about some fictional Fit'Em class that Lauren's not in, which apparently makes her feel helpless and alone, I can't help but be struck by her resemblance to Courtney Love.
Heidi asks, "Isn't Lauren's birthday coming up?" After a moment of silence, Stephanie begins swooning "Awwwwww... best friend... remembered!" Heidi looks slightly annoyed by her dippiness and reiterates, "Yeah. I remembered. Are you doing anything for it?" Stephanie gazes through Heidi for a moment, then confirms that Lo is, in fact, throwing LC a surprise party. On a yacht. Heidi testily asks Steph if she's going. Of course she is! She and LC are total besties! Steph's head lolls around for a bit before she asks, "Mm. Did you wanna go?..." Fantastic. Nothing like inviting the expressly UNinvited to a party with no escape route.
Heidi thinks it's odd that since she and LC have been on a texting basis lately, SURELY Lo or Blahdrina would have thought to invite her along. Of course! Because a mode of communication where you not only don't see each other, you also don't want to hear the other person's voice or read an entire, abbreviation-free sentence by them is considered true friendship. Well, perhaps. This is "The Hills."
Stephanie generously offers to bring Heidi along, insisting it will be no big deal. "I think you're fine," she says. "One hundred percent!" First of all, we all know that Stephanie's 100% is everyone else's No F-ing Way, and secondly, um, I know this is fake and all, but would it have KILLED her to just call (or text!) one of the hostesses to make sure an extra guest would be welcomed? Emily Post would have a fit!
"Bitches be buggin'!"
Okay, so while everyone else in America is getting fired and losing their homes, these bitches are throwing a party on a yacht. A gambling party, by the way. So Lo and Blahdrina toddle into a dessert shop to pick up the cake and talk about their ultra-exclusive guest list. Evidently, Princess Heidi isn't the only one these hostesses dared to blacklist from their ball. Blahdrina elected not to invite Pigpen, either. "Even after The Ring?" Lo inquires, her voice lightly concealing her condescension. Blahdrina admits that the ring didn't mean anything (thank you!) and that the occasion in Palm Springs was the only time he'd ever been sincere to her. Hmm, manipulative, talking shit about her friends, and giving her jewelry that signifies nothing is him being real? Sounds about right. "Hmmmmmmmmmmm," Lo nods, probably holding her lips together to prevent her from saying what she really thinks.
"YOU'RE A FILTHY HO AND HE'S GIVING YOU RABIES!"
They talk about how LC and Heidi have been texting each other (what are they, fuckbuddies?) and Lo gets very defensive of LC as Blahdrina remarks that she knows Heidi will stop at nothing to be Lauren's friend again... that "she'll do whatever it takes."
"THEN SO WILL I."
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Comments (23)
I absolutely love your Lo screen grabs and captions. "THEN SO WILL I." I snorted water out my nose.
1 of 23 | Posted by vegasdarling | Posted on April 8, 2009 1:27 PM
I thought it hilarious when Stephanie said at some point in the show that Spencer was "out with all his friends for boys night"... 1 person... sounds about right to me!
2 of 23 | Posted by kara | Posted on April 8, 2009 1:53 PM
I liked it when the bartender said something like, "Yeah, because Mexico is a foriegn country, right?" like she was pretty sure it was, but not 100%.
3 of 23 | Posted by crt123 | Posted on April 8, 2009 3:10 PM
crt123:
Although I'm not bartender fan, I think her questioning tone was about the legality of the marriage, not about Mexico itself.
As in, "It's because it's a foreign country, right?" with the "it's" really standing for "it's not legal".
4 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 8, 2009 4:36 PM
Haahahaha! That idiot waitress's response to "Did you know if you get married in Mexico, it's not legal?" was "YEAH! It's a different country, right?" As if she didn't know Mexico was a different country. MADNESS!
Okay, moving on. Did anyone else notice Holly at Lauren's birthday party on the boat? She was having a blast and was in the scene where Heidi was having her heart to heart with Lo. They were literally 2 feet apart (or less) when Heidi was whining to Lo about whether or not she should be at the party and how she wants to be Lauren's friend again. I thought it was so odd that they would be there together and yet never speak or interact. It was almost like Holly was an extra and didn't know Heidi. Made me think the whole thing was acting and Holly knew it was all for the show.
This was a great recap! And I'm so glad you mentioned the skank bartender glamming it up for her "close-up". She even washed her hair and had the Lauren ringlets. The makeup was bad, or was it the bright white light in her face that made her makeup look bad? Either way, she looked like a struggling actress trying her best to get discovered. Unfortunately, she wasn't convincing as being interested in Spencer so she failed on her first big break.
I think Heidi was already planning to go visit her mom and so they staged the fight to add to the drama of her "leaving". When she announced she was going to Colorado, my first thought was, "Didn't we already do this?" Boo!!!
But overall, I thoroughly enjoyed both shows and think this will be a good season. Probably more scripted since it's the final one, but good nonetheless.
5 of 23 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:10 PM
Oh yeah and how spoiled and unimpressed did Lauren sound about her awesome party on the yacht? "You put me on a d*mn boat". It wasn't a tugboat! It was a private yacht!!! Yeesh! She didn't even try to hide the fact that she didn't like that it was on a boat. How disrespectful to her friends who tried so hard to give her a good birthday!
6 of 23 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:16 PM
I love that the bartender's name is Stacie. With an "ie" too.
7 of 23 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:17 PM
I dont get why the marriage isnt legal b/c they married in Mexico. You can get married in Mexico! YOu can get married just about anywhere you damn well please!
I cant stand Heidi's plastic face and her Dolly Parton wig. The 'winner' pic of blowup doll Heidi was Freakin Hillarious!
And LC's red lipstick, YUCK.
Doesnt have LA have any hair stylist??
8 of 23 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 8, 2009 9:41 PM
It wasn't legal here because it wasn't legal there, i.e. they didn't follow Mexican laws - if it was legal in Mexico, you could have it be deemed legal here too. But they didn't get blood tests, etc., which Mexican law makes you do for a legit marriage.
9 of 23 | Posted by rizzo | Posted on April 8, 2009 11:26 PM
yay! the girls are back! Is this the season that is supposed to focus more on Lo and her personal life? That would be awesome coz she's the reason I watch this show.
10 of 23 | Posted by nyla23 | Posted on April 9, 2009 12:04 AM
how did they get 'married' if they didnt have the proper paperwork for a mexico marriage? Why dont they just get married in the US if they want to be married? Why even get married if you been shackin together???
11 of 23 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:23 AM
omg the last screen shot of heidis blow-up doll impression... HILARIOUS.
i first noticed it during the opening credits(which are completely different)
and i swear i had to stop it so i could laugh hysterically for 5 mins.
this season looks fun=]
and awesome recap 0snapp!
i think one of your best yet=]
12 of 23 | Posted by sassycassc08 | Posted on April 9, 2009 3:05 AM
The fact that our young people watch this show is why I'm learning Mandarin.
When the Chinese become our overlords, I want to be able to rat out other people in our overlord's native language.
P.S. I enjoy keeping multiple beverages on hand for these recaps. Because as everybody knows, nothing is worth describing how funny it was unless you were squirting something out of your nose. When I'm squirting something out my nose, I like variety.
13 of 23 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 9, 2009 7:20 AM
Every squirted strawberry Quik out of your nose? Now THAT'S a good time!
14 of 23 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 9, 2009 7:22 AM
ThatsWhatSheSaid: I think it was weird to include the fight, because I bet it was more about them planning a party at the producers' request and picking a boat. Since it was being filmed, the girls probably all knew that there would be some sort of drama, but chose a boat so no one could leave. At least that's how I took it, but I may be reading too much into The Hills, which is incredibly sad.
15 of 23 | Posted by vegasdarling | Posted on April 9, 2009 8:22 AM
Great recap! I have to admit that The Hills is 100% one of my biggest guilty pleasures and I was secretly really looking forward to another season.
I totally felt you when you said "I know the show's fake, but..." I'm very aware that this is not reality, but that does not stop me from planting myself in front of my TV each week and yelling at it, pretending these people are making their own decisions. LC is my homegirl, but I wanted to smack her when Heidi's drama took over her party and she ran after her to make sure she was "okay." It was like watching season two all over again. What was she hoping to accomplish? Heidi and Spencer's drama is ALWAYS THE SAME and while it used to be entertaining, now it's just boring. Spencer does something disgusting and skeezy, Heidi pretends like she has some dignity and the hint of a backbone by threatening a breakup, and then takes him back two minutes later. The previews for next week include her confronting him with the bartender (who is a typical annoying, two-faced biotch btw) and leaves us "hanging" on whether or not they're going to break up....but then the previews for the entire season shows Heidi inviting Lauren to her wedding so surprise, surprise....she obviously takes him back.
Since we all know that Spencer and Heidi will not be together once the the show is not on the air and pretending to be a couple will no longer be their meal ticket, I really hope she kicks him to the curb in some sort of "oh snap" moment during the last episode so we can at least have something entertaining to watch.
16 of 23 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on April 9, 2009 12:32 PM
One word for Spencer and "bartender" lady:
Spacie!!!
17 of 23 | Posted by Yanksfan | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:02 PM
>>>>One word for Spencer and "bartender" lady:
Spacie!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!
I just squirted about a quart of cinnamon 'n spice herbal tea out of my nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!All over the keyboard!!!!!!!!!1
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!
18 of 23 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:50 PM
How is it that no one has ever pointed out to Spencer the hypocrisy of his "loyalty" issue with Stephanie when he has forced Heidi to give up her relationships with every friend and family member that she has?
I may be overly invested but every time the word loyalty comes out of his mouth I want to f-ing scream!
19 of 23 | Posted by notcreative | Posted on April 9, 2009 3:15 PM
notcreative: Yeah, when Stephanie was going on about him being "so obsessed with the idea of "loyalty" that he had completely abandoned all of his friends, including his sister", she should have taken it further and pointed out how he has forced Heidi to do the same by being passive aggressive.
Incidentally, I watched that scene again, just to get the quote right, and I noticed Stephanie was looking off to the side while she was saying all of that, almost as if she was reading....hmmmmm. After that, it sounded like she was saying her lines....
vegasdarling: I read that the producers put Cameron up to sending a text to Stephanie to start crap. I don't think anyone knew Spencer was going to throw a punch though. It was a bonus for the producers, I'm sure. Nobody tried to break it up for awhile.
Did anyone like Heidi's fug open toed boots that she was wearing as she was marching to The Dime?
20 of 23 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 9, 2009 8:32 PM
Hilarious recap Osnapp (hey that rhymes)! I esp. enjoyed "good cherry" and "Captain Doucheface." I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was creeped out by him...ugh. He looks like one of those 30-something guys on Craigslist who tries to meet up with 18-year-old girls. And boys.
21 of 23 | Posted by oranges | Posted on April 10, 2009 8:56 AM
Several years ago on a Carnival Cruise a very,very, really,really drink guy jumped overboard b/c he thought he was on the Olympic Swimteam and he had to dive in. He was resuced and not hurt, but the B-Day party on the yacht made me think that someone is gonna end up jumping to just to get away!!
22 of 23 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 10, 2009 7:58 PM
Good Lord! Heidi looks just like the My Little Pony I just bought my three year old. I want to brush her beautiful mane and feed her sugar cubes. I guess when they went to the plastic surgeon with the ripped-out page from the Toys-R-Us catalog the doc saw the side with the pretty horsies instead of Barbie.
And what the deal with Spencer's rage and sweaty face? Riding the white pony? Ahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Carrots all around, folks!
23 of 23 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on April 10, 2009 10:01 PM