Later that night, as the party bus chauffeurs the ladies to the dock, they discuss their preferred methods of champagne uncorking, and for a moment I wonder if "uncork" is what the kids are calling fellatio these days. "I like to pop it," LC says with an accompanying sound effect. "Yeah, but then it explodes everywhere," Blahdrina counters. "Yeah, but it's fun," LC purrs.
Meanwhile, Stephanie and Heidi are getting ready and as we get a close-up of Heidi's sky-high stilettos, I understand why she always looks like she's going to fall over.
Apparently it's not solely because of the disproportionate weight of her head.
Heidi confesses she hasn't told anyone, at all, ever, except the cameras, that she's going to this fiesta. Stephanie thinks she's crazy, which is like Pam Anderson saying Dolly Parton's boobs look fake. Just then, Spencer enters, and Heidi straight-up lies to him about who else will be at this party... something something WHY WON'T STEPHANIE STOP TERRIFYING ME WITH HER FACE??
And please stop putting Restylane in every crevice on that face.
Anyway, Heidi eventually admits that there is the possibility that LC might be there. Spencer responds by maturely informing her that he has a guys' night out to attend! Complete with techno music! So there! And he huffs out with the last word (or, rather, the last untzs-untzs-untzs).
"I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave."
At Marina Del Rey, the girls emerge from their limo and they've got LC all tied up and ready for some action.
"For your special day, we've arranged for you to live out your bondage fantasies!"
A gaggle of hangers-on yell "Surprise!" as she gets onto the boat, and she responds by wincing and fluffing her hair up. I'd be pissed too if someone made me wear a blindfold and that's all I got out of it.
"So then... what were the handcuffs for?"
At a shitty bar elsewhere in town, Spencer and his evermore plastic face (which is beginning to remind me of Bruce Jenner and his shiny visage) is ogling a dippy bartender with the most obnoxious little-girl, nasally voice, along with a well-cast new friend, Charlie, hereafter known as Captain Doucheface.
Looks like trouble to me.
Domestic Abuse Ken Doll!
They politely request shots of Patròn. Isn't he banned by the international laws of marriage and good sense to never drink tequila again, unless he wants to get his ass whupped by a bunny sloper named Darlene Montag? He tells the waitress the last time he drank tequila he got married, but it didn't count because it was in another country. That's kind of funny, because you actually can get married in another country and have it be recognized by the U.S. But I'm pretty sure "spiritual" ceremonies, as well as "I got totally wasted and was tricked into it" ceremonies, don't count. They throw back their shots and Spencer continues to flirt with little miss gloss lips, while creepy Charlie doesn't utter a word the entire time, just sits back and watches the interaction intensely. Not unlike Peter Stormare's character in "Fargo."
I have a philosophy about tequila. That is, when you are drunk from it, you will end the night either fighting or fucking. At present, Spencer seems veering one way...
But it's still early.
On the yacht, the captain has, thankfully, waited to depart until the real guest arrived.
"I'm here! Now the party can begin!"
LC, half-interested in her game of roulette, sees Heidi across the room and treats us to the icy stare we've all grown to know, love, and associate with her friendship with Heidi. She begrudgingly hugs Heidi and thanks her for her well-wishes, while across the room, Stephanie asks Lo, "Do you think this is okay?" If you have to ask, the answer is automatically no. "Well, if she's here, she's here," Lo shrugs. Which just means there's nothing she can do about it, so why even bother trying to throw Steph overboard?
I love how Stephanie always looks awed, even when the situation is her fault.
Just then, LC approaches. Uh oh, she must be upset: she's stroking Lo's hair.
Holding that tiny head in her hands makes LC feel more powerful.
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Comments (23)
I absolutely love your Lo screen grabs and captions. "THEN SO WILL I." I snorted water out my nose.
1 of 23 | Posted by vegasdarling | Posted on April 8, 2009 1:27 PM
I thought it hilarious when Stephanie said at some point in the show that Spencer was "out with all his friends for boys night"... 1 person... sounds about right to me!
2 of 23 | Posted by kara | Posted on April 8, 2009 1:53 PM
I liked it when the bartender said something like, "Yeah, because Mexico is a foriegn country, right?" like she was pretty sure it was, but not 100%.
3 of 23 | Posted by crt123 | Posted on April 8, 2009 3:10 PM
crt123:
Although I'm not bartender fan, I think her questioning tone was about the legality of the marriage, not about Mexico itself.
As in, "It's because it's a foreign country, right?" with the "it's" really standing for "it's not legal".
4 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 8, 2009 4:36 PM
Haahahaha! That idiot waitress's response to "Did you know if you get married in Mexico, it's not legal?" was "YEAH! It's a different country, right?" As if she didn't know Mexico was a different country. MADNESS!
Okay, moving on. Did anyone else notice Holly at Lauren's birthday party on the boat? She was having a blast and was in the scene where Heidi was having her heart to heart with Lo. They were literally 2 feet apart (or less) when Heidi was whining to Lo about whether or not she should be at the party and how she wants to be Lauren's friend again. I thought it was so odd that they would be there together and yet never speak or interact. It was almost like Holly was an extra and didn't know Heidi. Made me think the whole thing was acting and Holly knew it was all for the show.
This was a great recap! And I'm so glad you mentioned the skank bartender glamming it up for her "close-up". She even washed her hair and had the Lauren ringlets. The makeup was bad, or was it the bright white light in her face that made her makeup look bad? Either way, she looked like a struggling actress trying her best to get discovered. Unfortunately, she wasn't convincing as being interested in Spencer so she failed on her first big break.
I think Heidi was already planning to go visit her mom and so they staged the fight to add to the drama of her "leaving". When she announced she was going to Colorado, my first thought was, "Didn't we already do this?" Boo!!!
But overall, I thoroughly enjoyed both shows and think this will be a good season. Probably more scripted since it's the final one, but good nonetheless.
5 of 23 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:10 PM
Oh yeah and how spoiled and unimpressed did Lauren sound about her awesome party on the yacht? "You put me on a d*mn boat". It wasn't a tugboat! It was a private yacht!!! Yeesh! She didn't even try to hide the fact that she didn't like that it was on a boat. How disrespectful to her friends who tried so hard to give her a good birthday!
6 of 23 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:16 PM
I love that the bartender's name is Stacie. With an "ie" too.
7 of 23 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:17 PM
I dont get why the marriage isnt legal b/c they married in Mexico. You can get married in Mexico! YOu can get married just about anywhere you damn well please!
I cant stand Heidi's plastic face and her Dolly Parton wig. The 'winner' pic of blowup doll Heidi was Freakin Hillarious!
And LC's red lipstick, YUCK.
Doesnt have LA have any hair stylist??
8 of 23 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 8, 2009 9:41 PM
It wasn't legal here because it wasn't legal there, i.e. they didn't follow Mexican laws - if it was legal in Mexico, you could have it be deemed legal here too. But they didn't get blood tests, etc., which Mexican law makes you do for a legit marriage.
9 of 23 | Posted by rizzo | Posted on April 8, 2009 11:26 PM
yay! the girls are back! Is this the season that is supposed to focus more on Lo and her personal life? That would be awesome coz she's the reason I watch this show.
10 of 23 | Posted by nyla23 | Posted on April 9, 2009 12:04 AM
how did they get 'married' if they didnt have the proper paperwork for a mexico marriage? Why dont they just get married in the US if they want to be married? Why even get married if you been shackin together???
11 of 23 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:23 AM
omg the last screen shot of heidis blow-up doll impression... HILARIOUS.
i first noticed it during the opening credits(which are completely different)
and i swear i had to stop it so i could laugh hysterically for 5 mins.
this season looks fun=]
and awesome recap 0snapp!
i think one of your best yet=]
12 of 23 | Posted by sassycassc08 | Posted on April 9, 2009 3:05 AM
The fact that our young people watch this show is why I'm learning Mandarin.
When the Chinese become our overlords, I want to be able to rat out other people in our overlord's native language.
P.S. I enjoy keeping multiple beverages on hand for these recaps. Because as everybody knows, nothing is worth describing how funny it was unless you were squirting something out of your nose. When I'm squirting something out my nose, I like variety.
13 of 23 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 9, 2009 7:20 AM
Every squirted strawberry Quik out of your nose? Now THAT'S a good time!
14 of 23 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 9, 2009 7:22 AM
ThatsWhatSheSaid: I think it was weird to include the fight, because I bet it was more about them planning a party at the producers' request and picking a boat. Since it was being filmed, the girls probably all knew that there would be some sort of drama, but chose a boat so no one could leave. At least that's how I took it, but I may be reading too much into The Hills, which is incredibly sad.
15 of 23 | Posted by vegasdarling | Posted on April 9, 2009 8:22 AM
Great recap! I have to admit that The Hills is 100% one of my biggest guilty pleasures and I was secretly really looking forward to another season.
I totally felt you when you said "I know the show's fake, but..." I'm very aware that this is not reality, but that does not stop me from planting myself in front of my TV each week and yelling at it, pretending these people are making their own decisions. LC is my homegirl, but I wanted to smack her when Heidi's drama took over her party and she ran after her to make sure she was "okay." It was like watching season two all over again. What was she hoping to accomplish? Heidi and Spencer's drama is ALWAYS THE SAME and while it used to be entertaining, now it's just boring. Spencer does something disgusting and skeezy, Heidi pretends like she has some dignity and the hint of a backbone by threatening a breakup, and then takes him back two minutes later. The previews for next week include her confronting him with the bartender (who is a typical annoying, two-faced biotch btw) and leaves us "hanging" on whether or not they're going to break up....but then the previews for the entire season shows Heidi inviting Lauren to her wedding so surprise, surprise....she obviously takes him back.
Since we all know that Spencer and Heidi will not be together once the the show is not on the air and pretending to be a couple will no longer be their meal ticket, I really hope she kicks him to the curb in some sort of "oh snap" moment during the last episode so we can at least have something entertaining to watch.
16 of 23 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on April 9, 2009 12:32 PM
One word for Spencer and "bartender" lady:
Spacie!!!
17 of 23 | Posted by Yanksfan | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:02 PM
>>>>One word for Spencer and "bartender" lady:
Spacie!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!
I just squirted about a quart of cinnamon 'n spice herbal tea out of my nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!All over the keyboard!!!!!!!!!1
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!
18 of 23 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:50 PM
How is it that no one has ever pointed out to Spencer the hypocrisy of his "loyalty" issue with Stephanie when he has forced Heidi to give up her relationships with every friend and family member that she has?
I may be overly invested but every time the word loyalty comes out of his mouth I want to f-ing scream!
19 of 23 | Posted by notcreative | Posted on April 9, 2009 3:15 PM
notcreative: Yeah, when Stephanie was going on about him being "so obsessed with the idea of "loyalty" that he had completely abandoned all of his friends, including his sister", she should have taken it further and pointed out how he has forced Heidi to do the same by being passive aggressive.
Incidentally, I watched that scene again, just to get the quote right, and I noticed Stephanie was looking off to the side while she was saying all of that, almost as if she was reading....hmmmmm. After that, it sounded like she was saying her lines....
vegasdarling: I read that the producers put Cameron up to sending a text to Stephanie to start crap. I don't think anyone knew Spencer was going to throw a punch though. It was a bonus for the producers, I'm sure. Nobody tried to break it up for awhile.
Did anyone like Heidi's fug open toed boots that she was wearing as she was marching to The Dime?
20 of 23 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 9, 2009 8:32 PM
Hilarious recap Osnapp (hey that rhymes)! I esp. enjoyed "good cherry" and "Captain Doucheface." I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was creeped out by him...ugh. He looks like one of those 30-something guys on Craigslist who tries to meet up with 18-year-old girls. And boys.
21 of 23 | Posted by oranges | Posted on April 10, 2009 8:56 AM
Several years ago on a Carnival Cruise a very,very, really,really drink guy jumped overboard b/c he thought he was on the Olympic Swimteam and he had to dive in. He was resuced and not hurt, but the B-Day party on the yacht made me think that someone is gonna end up jumping to just to get away!!
22 of 23 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 10, 2009 7:58 PM
Good Lord! Heidi looks just like the My Little Pony I just bought my three year old. I want to brush her beautiful mane and feed her sugar cubes. I guess when they went to the plastic surgeon with the ripped-out page from the Toys-R-Us catalog the doc saw the side with the pretty horsies instead of Barbie.
And what the deal with Spencer's rage and sweaty face? Riding the white pony? Ahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Carrots all around, folks!
23 of 23 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on April 10, 2009 10:01 PM