Recap: The Hills: Can't Hold A Candle To Lauren!

candle012207So many dilemmas facing the girls of The Hills this week. Was Heidi with child? Would Spencer advocate an abortion? And could Lauren resuscitate a magic candle? Yes, it's all part of the coming-of-age experience that this show depicts so accurately. I for one can't tell you how many flowers I had to sew onto umbrellas when I first moved to L.A.. A pure nightmare. Thank you, MTV, for finally portraying my struggle.

Yes, there was plenty of silliness on this second, triumphant episode of the season. The fun started with Heidi, who we last saw holed up in the bathroom with her new friend, the CVS home pregnancy testing kit. As the show began, we eagerly awaited the results of her bathroom diagnosis, but alas, we weren't given any info. Instead, Heidi walked solemnly out of the loo, eventually plopping down next to a perky Lauren who was doing her most favorite thing ever: sitting on a couch. Seriously, they should rename this show from The Hills to The Sofa.

Actually, Lauren was doing something productive: she was making a list for her birthday which was months and months away. Oh. Okay. I guess there weren't any sudoku puzzles lying around. Anyway, LC asked Heidi why she had left work early, and she replied "I had a lot on my mind." It's true. She had just learned that there exists a whole set of numbers beyond 35.

Okay, okay. I kid. Of course what had been occupying Heidi's thoughts was the possibility that she may be preggers, and when she told this to Lauren, well, let's just say it didn't take long for LC to bust out her famous Laser Eyes of Disapproval. Soon, Lauren realized she should probably be supportive rather than judgmental, and so she began guilting Heidi, asking her why the heck she hadn't told her sooner. Heidi explained that she just didn't want to talk to anyone about it and wasn't sure if she should say anything to Spencer because then maybe he'd leave her yada yada yada. But Lauren refused to accept that answer. The way she saw it, Heidi could tell her anything. Lauren then made a little anti-Spencer zinger about not cheating, but all I could think about was whether or not Audrina was going to have a pregnancy scare now. She WOULD. Bitch.

After the opening credits, we then found ourselves at Bolthouse Productions where Heidi was taking a break from her busy job of sitting around. She called up Spencer, who answered his phone with unbridled levels of bullshit in his voice. "What a pleasant little surprise!" he gushed, clearly not realizing that the camera crew in his passenger seat probably should have tipped him off to this alleged "surprise." Anyway, Heidi told him that they had to talk right away. "Meet me in the back alley," she instructed as fears of some awful, Spencer-led abortion raced through my head. I could totally imagine it too. Spencer would totally get in there, smile widely, and announce, "I'm on your team, embryo! Have you been to Don Antonio's?"

Meanwhile, over at Teen Vogue, we found Lisa Love on the phone stating "NO... NO, he's not." Oh damn! Someone just got Loved! Lauren and Whitney then entered the room, and Lisa informed them that they'd have to work at the Ashley Paige fashion show the next night. This was very important because Ashley was a friend of Amy Astley, and for those of you who don't remember, Amy Astley is like the big deal head honcho at Teen Vogue. We know this because when Amy popped up last season, she sported a status-conscious Miranda Priestley hairstyle that just seemed to say, "Why is no one reeeadddy???"

Well, everything seemed great, but suddenly Whitney noted that she had school the next day. Oh Whitney. To paraphrase Ms. Love, you'll always be known as the girl who didn't go to the Ashley Paige fashion show. Surprisingly, Lisa was quite tolerant to this conflict, saying, "School is very important." She then leveled a gaze at Lauren that seemed to say, "Yes, school is very important, UNLIKE COKE HEAD BOYFRIENDS WITH HOUSES IN MALIBU! YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE GIRL WHO DIDN'T GO TO PARIS. ALWAYS!!!"

Instead, however, Lisa merely said, "Lauren, it means I'm gonna have to count on you. You think you can do this on your own?" Translation: are you going to be a massive disappointment to me again, much as you were several months ago when you turned down Paris for your vapid boyfriend???

Recap: The Hills: Can't Hold A Candle To Lauren! Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4 

« Daily Digest: January 22, 2007 | Main | Recap: The Apprentice: Look Kids! It's John Belushi's Bloated Corpse! »

Comments (47)

I just watched this on line as we dont get the new season in Australia yet, and already am loving the 2nd season! As I watched Lisa Love pay out on Lauren I was already laughing , thinking to myself "dont you people know the fodder you are giving B Side?!"

A great recap as always.

JHill Author Profile Page:

B-Side, that image of Spencer mid-sip with the "HolyShit" caption was classic.

Did you happen to notice that when he and Heidi were in the back alley, at one point it looks like she is touching the back of her head... and has the HAIRIEST arms ever. But upon closer examination, it was Spencer's arm. Worth a Tivo rewind, though.

If there was any character in this episode who screamed SITCOM, it was Ashley Paige. I wanted to stick the umbrella handle right up her ass... either that, or through her heart.

McCreamy Author Profile Page:

That umbrella annoyed the hell out of me!! It looked like one of those mesh outdoor picnic things you cover your food with that they always sew bugs and flowers on.

HokieJM Author Profile Page:

Great recap B-Side! I love how quick you are at recapping which means I have to watch the show in real-time without the help of my DVR!

I was hoping for an 8th & Ocean crossover too, but that's probably becuase I just watched the entire season on DVD. An ANTM cameo is all we get? Oh the humanity of the Producers!!!

Pamsey Author Profile Page:

Excellent recap as usual B-Side!
I like Brody. I think he's just shy of being too pretty, but he seems to at least have a brain cell or two.

Court_Love Author Profile Page:

JHill (#5),
I saw the hairy arm too, and remember thinking, WTF, bitch needs a wax fast.

I don't know how I feel about Brody. I think he's playing it up for the cameras, b/c both him Spencer are fame whores.

I love The Hills. It goes perfectly with my "Power of Bauer."

Diana811 Author Profile Page:

Who exactly is Spencer??? - What does he do for a living? Is he the son of someone famous & wealthy? Does anyone know? - He's such a douchebag.............

mandymax Author Profile Page:

Brody's schmoozing made me squirm in embarrassment - for him. If I'd been Lauren, I would've stuck it out only for the free dinner and then said, "Well, it was nice meeting you." The guy impressed me as having the sincerity of a scud missle.

maho Author Profile Page:

i think spencer looks like a lesbian.

RealityMonkey Author Profile Page:

What I hate most about Spencer is that he sounds like he's trying to talk like Matthew McConaughey. And the only thing worse than being him is trying to be him.

SweetSassyMolassey Author Profile Page:

"spencer looks like a lesbian" omg hilarity!

I can't decide if that move by Heidi was Machiavellian and clever or batsh*t insane.

That said, I am really liking LC so far this season. She seems to have grown up a lot and she looks way better... her face looks older, but in this particular case it's a good thing, like she is less naive.

nursecoco Author Profile Page:

OMG-ASHLEY PAIGE. WHAT A BITCH! I CAN'T STAND HER. YUCK.

AC Author Profile Page:

I pretty much hate Spencer, but I think he actually showed intelligence and was correct in his reaction to Heidi's little test. It was cruel and irrational. I've been in her situation before and at no time did I seriously consider telling the guy until I was SURE. It's a lonely place to be, but it makes no sense (unless you are in a serious committed relationship) to tell the guy. It's unfair ESPECIALLY if you know you're not. If Heidi's having doubts about Spencer (which she obviously is), she needs to let go of him. She should follow her gut . . .and the fact that he clearly lied to her about Audrina.

I like LC. I can relate to her. Brody seems charming, but LC seems smart enough to be a little guarded with him. I mean, he is friends with SPENCER.

CMC Author Profile Page:

I was very proud of Audrina for giving SpongeBob SquareHead (a.k.a. Spencer) the brush off and hanging up on him. That guy is a total loser!

Ashley Paige needs to switch to decaf.

cherin Author Profile Page:

Did anyone else notice that when Lisa Love told them they had to help out at the fashion show the following day Whitney showed up 'after class the next day' in the exact same shirt/outfit that she had on in Lisa Love's office 'the day before'.
Obviously this happened on the same day, so why not just say that?

I'm getting really tired of the editing on all of my favorite shows, i.e Hills, Top Chef, Project Runway. I think the editors don't realize that there are seemingly good story lines going on without having to chop up every single scene and add lots of voiceovers.

mo_knows Author Profile Page:

Cherin- I noticed the same thing also. It's so insulting that MTV thinks their viewers are that stupid. And I also noticed that the Ashley Paige didn't have a watch either. Just another example of a media whore trying to get some exposure on a reality TV show. If Lauren works for Teen Vogue, then there was no need for her to work for that runway show, esp. since Ashley Paige obviously had her own interns. She was just trying to get some exposure for her shop. Lame. Ditto for Brody & Spencer (two of the biggest douchebag names I've ever heard). ANd Lauren is seriously pathetic for AGAIN dating someone that Kristin did. I'm sure Kristin is laughing her ass off...

dsher Author Profile Page:

B-side thanks for the fast re cap. I loved the part about Spencer and his "holy shit" thoughts!

I'm glad Audrina hung up on that loser.

cherin- I noticed Whitney
wearing the same shirt too.

Spencer is a total idiot. Does he really think he is not going to get caught. I thought that "test" Heidi did was dumb too. She totally fell for his lies. Pathetic.

SweetSassyMolassey
I like Lauren better than last season or on Laguna. She seems like she has grown up a little. I hope she keeps it up. Thankfullly she did a good job at the Ashley Paige thing too.

Ashley Paige was a crazy person. She needed to light a different kind of candle. And really how hard was Lauren's job that day? Dig out some wax and make sure the models were dressed?? I'm sure she did a good job, but they acted like she was some kind of genius. Are other interns really incapable of doing these tasks that Lauren stood out? WTF

maybeimamazed02 Author Profile Page:

Anyone on this board who hasn't seen the MAD TV parody of The Hills...download it IMMEDIATELY (it's on YouTube). MAD TV is hit or miss, but this is definitely the former.

B-Side, I no longer have cable, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for still making me laugh at the stupidity that is The Hills' second season. (Though I did watch the season premiere online.)

AC, I agree with you that it was very emotionally manipulative of Heidi to make the big deal of telling Spencer...she wasn't pregnant. Although I don't think Heidi has the brainpower to be emotionally manipulative, and I'm sure it was producer-coached all the way, it's still not the greatest idea. Pregnancy scares happen. They suck, but it's no use getting ANOTHER person all worked up unless you know for sure or unless you two are serious, especially at the stage where he can't really do anything about it.

I feel for LC with the candle thing. A former boss of mine worked out of his home, and his wife (the "office manager") would make me do things like go buy diapers for her kid. Oh yeah, and she didn't have a real job, AND they had a nanny. Plus, I'm a lawyer, not an intern. It sucks to be in that position where you know it's ridiculous but you can't really say no.

B-Side Author Profile Page:

JHill -- I too noticed the hairy arm. I was like Heidi's a caveman!

Cherin -- I think Whitney's outfit was slightly different on day two, although both outfits featured prominent doily collars.

Ubiquitous Author Profile Page:

Who was that Ashley Paige nitwit? Gawd, I wanted to slap some sense into her after a couple minutes of her yammering about that stupid "money candle".

D-Hoffs Author Profile Page:

Spencer = lesbian....I love it ... and have to agree.

Springtime Author Profile Page:

Just looked up specer and found out his name is Spencer Pratt, here's his myspace page:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=54855873

silentfire Author Profile Page:

I still hate spencer and the scene in the car was hilarious, despite being evil. While watching the date with brody, all I kept thinking was, if this is what girls want a guy to say on a first date? Because lauren seemed to love every second of it. He seemed way to flirtatious and complimentary for it to be genuine. To me it seemed like overkill but then Lauren seemed to enjoy everything, so then I wondered if other girls were feeling the same way too.

J-Light Author Profile Page:

maybeimamazed02- that MadTV parody is hilarious!!!

I really can't believe that Heidi is dating Spencer, he is such a jerk. Good thing Audrina finally hung up on him!

I thought LC & Brody's date was actually kind of cute & awkward, just like alot of first dates for someone that age. But LC said it best, he's been tainted by Kristen!

and after careful review Whitney definitely is wearing the same shirt in both Lisa's office & at the fashion show.. although it could have been the same day who hasn't worn the same shirt 2 days in a row?

gasmgrrl Author Profile Page:

B-Side

"I'm on your team, embryo! Have you been to Don Antonio's?"

Is the funniest line I have read on this (very funny) site! I almost chocked on my water I was laughing so hard!

Awesome recap!!!

AC Author Profile Page:

Holy sh*t, gasmgrrl! Me too! I totally forgot to mention that! That line is by far my favorite . . .ever.

Audge Author Profile Page:

Springtime: Thanks for the link to Spencer's myspace page... I checked it out b/c I, too, was curious who this guy is. Judging from his page, it looks like he and Heidi are still together which shocks the heck out of me!

B-Side, I love your recaps - they're hilarious!

mo_knows Author Profile Page:

J-Light- I agree, I have definitely worn the same shirt twice in a row before, but I bet that was not the case with Whitney, just because it was such a unique blouse (not just a T shirt or something) and because I would think she'd be pretty conscious that she is being filmed, and would try to look good all the time. I think it was just another case of MTV trying to fool us with their crappy editing.

omj75 Author Profile Page:

Somebody needs to notify Spencer that there is a typo on his my space acctount. Under orientation (sexual) it states he is straight.

omj75 Author Profile Page:

Somebody needs to notify Spencer that there is a typo on his my space account. Under orientation (sexual) it states he is straight. Kid is as queer as a football bat.

tigereye Author Profile Page:

Shoot, I think the girls' couch looks soo comfy, I'd sit on it all the time. I sit on mine a hell of a lot and its not even very comfortable.

Spencer is uber punchable, just looking at him makes my stomach turn. "Spencer plays for both teams":classic.
Although it was kinda shady, I don't really think Heidi was out of line w/ testing Spencer. However, if you think you've got to test your man like that, you must know he's not so very great,and maybe you shouldn't be w/ him or at least not doin' the nasty w/o a condom to prevent such copulation problems.

I LOVE your ragging on Ashley Paige, she was a complete condescending bitch, very unneccessary. Good call w/ the watch thing. The only way she was remotely redeemed was that she seemed fairly sincere when she thanked Lauren and told her what a good job she did and she wanted to steal her. Hell, she would have hated me. The entire episode I was thinking of the various things I wanted to say to that woman to put her in her place. I don't care if you're the freakin King of the World, don't give me that shit. or, as the phrase kinda goes (or maybe I'm completely rephrasing it) Everyone shits, get over yourself.

Bravo 'Drina, way to put creepy douchebag in his place. I hope she sticks with it.

Its funny, cause Lauren's major at FIDM has been something along the lines of fashion production since she started. Way to just now pick up on something that should obviously be known about your interen, Lisa.

Emily Author Profile Page:

It has been soooo long since I have posted on tvgasm!! I am a faithful poster from S2 of LB!! B-Side as always you are great!! Can I marry you??

Spencer is such a dumbass! Does he not realize that this is all being filmed and that it is going to come out that he is such a liar?! Hello! I cant stand the way he talks. Just annoying all around.

And Lauren should have known better. Stay away from Kristen's men. Get your own men. It just looks pathetic now honey.

tigereye Author Profile Page:

LOL, HAHAaaa, Maho, you're my new best friend.

I also thought that, with the amount,etc, Brody was coming close to insincere. But I also know how dates can be, a reason I hate them, and really, what do you say if you think someone is pretty/cute/hot/funny/whatever that doesn't sound contrived when you don't even really know them, but want them to know how you feel?..
that said, I have no doubt that Brody could easily be a douche.

JHill Author Profile Page:

Thank you for the "Spencer looks like a lesbian" comment... that seriously made my night.

kristinsdrunknasalyvoice Author Profile Page:

I believe Douchebag Spencer said "What a pleasy surprise."

seriously that guy needs to be severely injured

GG K Author Profile Page:

ok did anyone else notice that when brody called lauren at the fashion show she was using the pink razor and when he called her at home she had the silver one.. i know its retarded to notice but bad editing or does she really have all that time to change her phones around!!??

maybeimamazed02 Author Profile Page:

OK, I just watched this online last night, and here are some more thoughts:

1. Tigereye, you're right, Brody could be a douche, but he just as easily could have been nervous and therefore going overboard with the "smile" compliments. We'll see.

2. A couple of thoughts on Ashley Paige:
a. She's not only a bitch, she seems to be a druggie as well. I suspect she likes the Mary Jane, although the day of the fashion show she may well have been snorting coke.
b. What was with the sloppy jeans and T-shirt? I can understand that kind of attire before the show, but wouldn't you want to look nice when they brought you out at the end? I know I would. What pisses me off is that she probably looked like crap on purpose to be "cool" and "ironic." Sweetie, it works for Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It doesn't work for you.
3. Why do the LB/Hills girls always go for NASTY-looking guys? Say what you want about Stephen and Trey first season, at least they were cute. (Brody's pretty cute too, actually, but he's the exception rather than the rule.)

moodylupin Author Profile Page:

Well, in the After Show @ MTV.COM Heidi insisted that Soencer a great guy, so there's a chance that they are still dating ... whatever.

Tigoe91 Author Profile Page:

An "America's Next Top Model" crossover, eh? Who in the hell is Eva Pigford?

Didn't she reinvent herself at "Eva Marcel" recently?

Krikies with a last name like that, who wouldn't?

McCreamy Author Profile Page:

Mary Jane is a drug?

AubreyLB Author Profile Page:

Ok, I LOVED the 1st season the Hills and I realize that they set up some of it. But the Brody Jenner thing come on Lauren, try getting so fresh meat and not Kristin's leftovers!

Sir Jiggabins Author Profile Page:

>

Absolutely classic. I don't even bother watching the show anymore. I just read these ridiculously epic recaps. Thats said, I still think you guys should go back and recap all the "Rob & Big" episodes. That show was ripe for parody.

Sir Jiggabins Author Profile Page:

Whoops...my inital remark in the above post referred to the following line from the recap.

"If this were a sitcom (and I'm not totally convinced that it's not), someone would then put their hands on their hips and say, "Heiiiii-di!""

cbgb Author Profile Page:

Thanx maybeimamazed02, the Mad TV clip is hilarious!

Brody is layin' it on very thick. His compliments come off as kind of slimy being that he was with Kristin not too long ago. It seemed like he was trying to dominate conversation there for a minute too when she was just trying to explain why others have said her smile was different.

LC's gotta know better than going after her archrival's leftovers

Speaking of Kristin’s leftovers , is Brody Jenner like a male Paris Hilton? He has modeled a little and been in a reality show about himself. Oh, and has a semi-famous father – but really doesn’t have much to be famous for. And THAT brings us to Spencer, who is even worse, because he’s nothing but Brody’s hanger-on.

Tweezers Author Profile Page:

HAH Spencer DOES look like a lesbian...

Heidi is so bummed that she's not pregnant. An abortion on national tv would have been a great opportunity for her...

omG so much to comment on. I was dying during the back alley scene, that was great. I can't believe you noticed Eva B-Side, I thought I was the only one. Btw Brody is pretty darn cute, but there's no way I'd date a leftover of Kristin's if I was LC. Ashley Paige was cracking me up - "how do you know what time it is if you don't wear a watch". This week was pure entertainment for me.

Post a comment

Post a comment

105