This week started with a stern warning from Lauren: beware, aspiring suitors. She wasn't ready to see anyone, not even "a guy as nice as Brody." NOT EVEN BRODY???? WTF??? No source of such smiling niceness should ever be denied! You are a cruel she-beast, Ms. Lauren Conrad! Methinks you've been spending too much time under the harsh rule of one Lisa Love.

However, Lauren's reticence to welcome such nice boys as Brody Jenner into her life wasn't the only big story of this episode. The exciting news was that Heidi was going to be celebrating her birthday, which could only lead to disaster. It's pretty much an unspoken rule that any event on The Hills that promises joy, happiness, and fun will almost always be undermined by cattiness, passive-aggression, and, if J-Wahl is involved, cocaine. Well, for this big soiree, we could already see the next disaster coming a mile away. Yes, Heidi wanted to have the best party, and that entailed keeping Audrina far, far away. Good luck with that. I'm sure the producers will gladly see to it that she's stuck singing karaoke in Little Armenia that night.

Anyway, in anticipation of Heidi's big night, she and Lauren hit up a little boutique to do some shopping. This, of course, led to Audrina-bashing with Heidi saying, "We're not friends; so I'm not going to invite someone who's not my friend." Seemed logical, but, since this was Heidi, it wasn't long before she stopped making sense entirely.

"I don't dislike her; so I don't care if she's there," Heidi then said/blatantly lied. Oddly enough, she then added, "But I'm not going to invite her because I don't like her." Hmmm... I wonder if Heidi realized she just contradicted herself completely. She basically just said, "I don't hate Audrina. It's just that I hate Audrina."

Nevertheless, it really didn't matter because there were more important things to discuss: like the fact that Heidi would be wearing a tiara to her party -- not that she lavishes in the attention or anything. Yes, this was so going to be a catastrophe. Any party that's presided over by a girl in a tiara will almost always end with an $800 cake on a floor and perhaps broken glass too. However, for now, everything was just wonderful for Heidi, and as she entered a daydream world filled with tiaras and marshmallow clouds, we then watched the opening credits roll by, eventually leaving us with a wide shot of Los Angeles and the words "THE BEST NIGHT EVER" on screen. Bring it, MTV. Bring it.

Anyway, we then found LC meeting up with a freshly shorn Brody Jenner (such a nice guy!) for lunch. Like a white, preppy version of Kid from Kid 'n' Play, Brody's hair was now tall and curly, making him look about fourteen years old and goofier than usual. "Don't laugh at my haircut," he told Lauren, but he needn't worry. Let's not forget that she spent a good portion of last year dating Jason, a guy whose hair more often than note resembled a sparrow's nest.

Speaking of Jason, Brody decided to probe Lauren about her relationship with the silent coke fiend, asking "Did it end on a bad note?" Um, just slightly. However, LC merely shrugged and played it off, as if we didn't see that whole awkward, teary golf club exchange on the season premiere. Yeah, totally amicable split. And by "amicable," I mean "she sobbed her eyes out, he got stoned and giggled."