TVgasm Recaps: Your Source for The Hills

THE HILLS: April Fools! I'm off birth control.

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This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like

This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others' businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 year old self wants. Plus, did I mention lots of lunch dates? Yeah, there are.

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Posted by Monamonzano at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Hills: Bitches, "Breaks" and Medical Mistakes!

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That's my "bite your dick off" face.

This week on The Hills, Kristin hones her man huntin' by courting Brody and his plastic surgery mishap of a mother. Jayde and Kristin have a quasi-fight at the kids' favorite hangout, Playhouse and Spencer doesn't know about the human body, or the logistics of a vasectomy! Ooops! Blah dead is still stupid, in other news.

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Posted by Monamonzano at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The Hills: SINGLE WHITE FEMALE

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I kill pets.

This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday...what is it, 65?I can't tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I miss anything? Probably not. Insert Troll and Trendy restaurant.

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Posted by Monamonzano at 12:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

The Hills: Feelings and pig-people (Jayde)

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Cry, but do it pretty for the cameras...

This week on the massive shitshow in my life that is THE HILLS, Kristin has a big 'ol party and invites the usual gang of idiots. Justin says he's not going to show, then does, and Kristin contemplates dating Brody...and vice versa after enduring Jayde's gross face for far too long. Blah Dead is boring as shit, and waters her plants. Also, Holly is still a filthy, filthy drunk.

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Posted by Monamonzano at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Hills: Douchey Habits Die Hard

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This Week: Zombie impressions, alcoholism and a lack of anti-frizz serum

A personal triumph for me: I only puked a little today when writing this recap! I think I'm getting desensitized. Anyhoo, Kristin goes home to Laguna to make out with her Dad, while HBUD and Spence have growing concern with Holly being fucking cool as hell, aka drinking a lot during important social events. Then, they stage an intervention/mockery. And...Justin Bobby comes face to face with his Dead-eyed old flame, and they talk about bullshit. It's all here, on The Hills!

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Posted by Monamonzano at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The Hills: Stood Up and Shut up!

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For just 5 cents a day, you could take care of a Hill's member's costly feeding fee.

This week on the hills, Brody has his 26th surprise party and I'm wasted for the occasionI Jayde gets pissed that Kristin is there, but then laughs when she gets beaned by a water balloon and by Justin Bobby's fickle, fickle nature. Blah dead goes on a date with justin's friend but nothing happens and Stacie? Well, she's around.

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Posted by Monamonzano at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The Hills: Bitch Trumps Bitch.

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This week, the girls get makeovers.

Oh, the Hills. Where would we be without our regular dose of living assery? Probably not in MALIBU, watching this episode, where Justin Bobby finally puts his penis into Kristin's vagina. Also, Blahdrina is boring and everyone else is dumb.

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Posted by Monamonzano at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The Hills: Bitches, Boobs, Heels and Hair

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Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance

This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie "Bulimia" Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the troll has a birthday...38? Just a guess. See it all here on THE HILLS!

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Posted by Monamonzano at 5:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The Hills: Something Barfy Something Blughhhh

This week on MTV, two forces of evil narcissism joined in unholy, legal matrimony, and it was LC's final (finally!) episode on this wretched show. But you know, for the season finale of The Hills, you'd think MTV could have conjured a little more drama over the course of a seemingly unending hourlong episode than Stephanie whining like a 5-year-old and two shocking guest appearances at the wedding... shocking only to anyone who doesn't read US Weekly. And if you don't read US Weekly, what the hell are you doing watching this show? Luckily, we here at TVGasm have come up with a way to spice up this week's proceedings: you are now reading O. Snapp's final recap.

Weird that this is what comes up when one Google Image Searches "NOOOOOOO!"

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Posted by O. Snapp at 3:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

The Hills: Feudal Blue Balls

Howdy Ho my little 'Gasmic lovebirds! This week was the second-to-last episode of the season (and second-to-last for the remaining sane character on the show, LC) and it was filled with petty tiffs between frenemies and a 30-minute will she?/won't she? concerned-look fiesta by Lauren over whether she'll attend the wedding of the century. It's okay, babies. IT'S ALMOST OVER. Welcome to "The Hills!"