Buenos dìas, 'Gasminos! I'm back from my vacay with a collection of odd tan lines and a regret that I missed last week's Crazy Eyes-off between Jayde and Blahdrina. But never fear - this week's episode is full of exciting drama like... really bad hair accessories and psychotically mean smiles exchanged between idiots. Join me, won't you?
The girls are boozin' it up at some rando cafè and chatting about Lo's new job with Smashbox. Isn't that that terrible band with all the McG-directed videos circa 1999? *shudder* Don't remind me of my pop-loving past, Lo, please. Anyway, Blahdrina comments on the humor of the fact that she also used to work there. Yes dear, that is hilarious, it makes me LOL all over the front of my shirt. In other news, I'm sad to note the enduring presence of Blahdrina's hobo dorkface hat, which creates a black felt crown around her head like a halo of mediocrity.
Way to choose the worst part of Samantha Ronson's style to cop. Not to mention Madonna. TWENTY YEARS AGO.
Lo says she's excited to meet all the cute boys at Smashbox, to which Blahdrina laughs for her to send them her way! Lo chuckles with the sparkle of judgment in her eyes. There's a special place in her heart reserved just for the criticism of Blah and her slutty slummin' ways.
Speaking of which, the ladies discuss Pigpen and how he heard, through the grapevine of producers, about Blahdrina and Broday's totally fictional tryst in Hawaii. Blahdrina laughs, unnaturally giddy and bopping around in her seat, and I peer at her neon-white teeth and wonder what's up that perfect little nose of hers. She says she's fine as long as she doesn't see him.
LC and Stephanie do a ladies' lunch and I'm disappointed to see more bad headwear from our heroine - the dreaded floppy beret. Steph admits that she's afraid of Kelly Cutthroat (which she should be): "I'm just, like, afraid that she wants everything to be professional." What, for her self-made business? In a high-profile, finicky industry? I can't imagine why. Actually, what I can't imagine is why Kelly would ever agree to let a Pratt step foot into her office, but I suppose all publicity is good publicity. LC delicately explains the role of boss to Stephanie, noting that "when you run a company, you have a lot of people below you that could mess up."
Speaking of which, Stephanie sighs and concludes that she needs to stop stressing about work and "go on a manhunt." First of all - don't you need to START stressing before you can cease? Secondly - what does one have to do with another? Are work hours really the best time to meet men? Because I would think Stephanie would have most success during hours of the day that are dark and most likely to reign in boozy blackout types. Thirdly - when are you NOT on a manhunt? And do you take shotguns and tranquilizer darts with you? Because if so, I'm totally in.
LC lightly tells Steph that she shouldn't stop stressing about work just yet. In reply, Stephanie tells her all about her newest flame, Robert, a DJ who's "soooo kahyewwwwt". Doesn't she know that screwing around with DJs is, like, sooooo 2007? When even Lohan stops doing it - as a lesbian, no less - you know it's at least two years out of style. For Christ's sake, even Nicole Richie settled down and married a real musician. What's that? They're not married? Well, I guess an anorexic baby is just as good. Lauren reiterates the fact that boy time shouldn't interfere with work time, to which Stephanie pouts and stares into space as though there's a jelly doughnut just over LC's shoulder.
This week offers the return of a beloved character long lost from "The Hills" - or at least
a tolerated character who offers a gossip outlet. That's right, Kimberly is back to chat with Heidi Ho, and looks a little more well-rested, a little plumper, and a little paler - sort of like if Elvira settled down and became a homemaker. She can't believe how many things they have to take care of before their next event, and Heidi agrees: "I have to get my nails done, they're all chipped, I have to get a new dress..." Not to mention a personality and a spine. Hope they match your new heels!
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Comments (8)
Love the re-cap, Love you, please don't ever leave us :D
1 of 8 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on May 13, 2009 2:34 AM
awesome recap. i'll bet you anything that LC will not fire Steph-she's become so weak. There's something about the Pratt offspring that makes it hard for the human race to say no....
2 of 8 | Posted by nyla23 | Posted on May 13, 2009 4:28 AM
Great recap O. Snapp.
Heidi's jealousy has set "womankind" back about 2000 years.
And did Lauren ever think that StephPratt would ever do a good job at anything? The same girl who thinks that gerbils grow up to be hamsters? come on.
I'm surprised that she didn't make three groups of clothes: neutrals, positives and negatives.
Maybe she should work at a childcare facility. It might help her re-learn the basics and the kids could teach her how to do labels.
3 of 8 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on May 13, 2009 5:23 AM
Great recap. I loved the Madonna pic.
I told my friend during the previews for this ep that if Lauren didn't fire Steph I would stop watching the show. Now I have to watch next week too. Nothing ever happens but you think maybe this week and you're sucked in.
4 of 8 | Posted by newcastlefan | Posted on May 13, 2009 10:31 AM
O.SNAPP!
I love your recaps. I always refer to Justin Bobby as Pigpen now. Blahdrina clearly lost that argument to him and we know she's going to crawl back into his hole sooner than later anyways.
Next week looks super fun. You should of added a little preview for us: Heidi's blowjob face at the end of the previews.
5 of 8 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 13, 2009 1:48 PM
o.snapp, please never leave us again. your recaps are awesome. but on to the show...
personally, i think stacie is awesome and i wish that was who they were getting to replace lauren next season. i just loved her line of "you're crazy, you're boyfriend's a dick, and good luck with that." truer words have never been spoken. honestly, what the fuck did stacie actually do to piss heidi off so bad? texted spencer? i mean, as a bartender, i bet 150% that was the only reason she was "flirting" with him that one night in the first place. i have flirted with hundreds of questionable, douche-y men to get a better tip. and even if stacie did then text him or meet up with him after that she never gave off the vibe that she wanted to fuck him. more like she liked the cameras he had to offer and knew that she would certainly gain some time with them by talking to the asshole. i really hate that i've put so much thought into their relationship, but i know a million girls like heidi that think once a guy is their boyfriend they should be the only girl to ever talk to them again. it's really really sad and i love that stacie knew that and didn't give a fuck. personally, i would do the same thing. it amuses me to get girls like heidi all riled up. i mean, she took him to a counselor over the whole "ordeal"! either way, they both suck and you're right, stephanie needs to seriously go through her wardrobe and throw out anything she could potentially tie around her forehead and call a headband. and did pigpen become homeless? he never looked to be the most hygenic guy to begin with, but now he just looks dirty and matted. and not b/c it's the look he's going for, but b/c that's what happens when you sleep on a piece of cardboard somewhere off of sunset blvd.
kisses till next week, o.snapp, you're the best!
6 of 8 | Posted by jennylovesflowie623 | Posted on May 13, 2009 10:52 PM
Thanks for a funny recap. These dunderheads on The Hills are getting on my nerves. It really is a shame the show has stopped feautring Lauren and Lo for Audrina, Heidi, Spencer and Stephanie who is so out of place on The Hills. Stephanie's incompetence as an intern makes vacuous Heidi look like a good employee for Bolthouse. ;)
And it's funny how whenever one group of The Hills cast goes on vacation to Las Vegas or Hawaii the other group shows up to party with them. It kind of makes you go hmmm that sure seemed planned and not just a coincidence. I guess it was in th script.
7 of 8 | Posted by Skylar | Posted on May 14, 2009 11:57 AM
Hey Stephanie:: The 80's called....they want their headband back and the use of the word "Narly"
8 of 8 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on May 19, 2009 5:09 PM