First, let's start with Jordan's "About Me" section. Like many reality stars before him, Jordan happily writes about himself with nary a care for proper grammar, spelling, or punctuation. Case in point: his frequent use of the word "probley" instead of "probably." Nevertheless, he writes that he moved to "HollyWood" from North Carolina so that he could "persue" acting, modeling, and music "carrers" (because that's not all over the map or anything), but for now, he's been focusing mostly on the acting. He also says that "in my spare time, I love to hang out with all my good friends." Yes, his spare time -- or as I like to call it, every minute of the day. Jordan then shoos away all the haters out there, telling us, "If you have any negative crap get off my page. Positive energy is what I prefer." Yeah man. Jordan's all about the peace and love -- you know, when he's not berating Heidi for saying hi to another male.

Jordan then has a whole paragraph where he gives a shout out to his friends from home. He concludes this ode to North Carolina by saying, "My life proves small towns can have great people." And as we all know, Jordan will certainly be going into the history books as a great, great person. Kudos to him for being the first person with a modicum of fame to ever come from a small town. It's about time those urban jerks like Taylor Hicks and Carrie Underwood and Brandon Routh learned what rural meant.

Of course, it wouldn't be a dumb "About Me" section without the obligatory cliché finale. Jordan rises to the occasion by imploring us to "Never give up on your dreams." He's right. Maybe someday you too can move to Los Angeles without much of a career or goals or ambition, social climb into the proper circles, and find minor fame on a reality show. Dare to dream! Dare to dream...

Oh, and after this inspirational declaration, there is literally this line of text floating back and forth across the column saying, "Me & Jwahl throw badass parties™" I'm not even kidding.