Oh my sweet 'Gasmini, I apologize for my extreme tardiness in recapping, but Jesus was totally on my ass to go to his birthday party this year and I had to oblige. By the time I write this, two "Hills" alumni have already launched their spinoff careers and Heidi's probably looking about as fresh as three-day-old focaccia bread. So let's jump into it. On last week's season finale, Heidi and Lauren share an awkward moment, Pigpen emulates Spencer, and just about every character manages to surprise me. Except Blahdrina. Which is how she got her nickname in the first place.
After a full-season recap, we see Heidi back at work, looking tired and rueful (as well she should be, she probably STILL has a hangover from her wedding weekend). It's not a cute look beside Kimberly, who's beaming from ear to ear and putting on her best go-getter face for boss Brent.
"Love that Joker!"
They discuss the details of a grand opening party they're covering, and, try as hard as she might with hairstyles and garish jewelry, Heidi is still not feeling very princess-y. Must be the lack of a fairy tale wedding that's bringing her down.
"My prince voted for McCain. How would YOU feel?"
Brent arbitrarily asks about their respective vacations, and Kimmy tells of her glorious time spent in Hawaii. Her smile is so wide it looks like she might pop a blood vessel somewhere in her very small cheek-to-ear span. I wonder why she's so damn happy? Maybe she's pregnant.
"Ha! Hawaii! Beat THAT!"
Heidi tells her colleagues that she got married with the kind of enthusiasm one might reserve for describing a mediocre avocado salad from lunch. Brent and Kimmy look at each other and seem to have a silent convo regarding Heidi's latest antics.
"wait, what the fuck did she just say?? is she serious?"
"he probably drugged her."
"eh. they deserve each other. Hey, wanna fuck later?"
She describes the event as "the craziest thing I've ever done." I am confident this is the truth. Instead of any offering of congratulations or excitement, Kimmy remains silent while Brent first tells Heidi to shut up and then sighs, looks down at the floor and mutters, "Alright..." before moving on to discussing table settings. Heidi looks perturbed. Where's Daddy's approval now?
We get a cute transition full of b-roll shots on Rodeo Drive of places like Cartier and other expensive stores where Spencer didn't get Heidi a wedding ring. Among a slew of remarkably thin women, Lau and Lo blend in perfectly on their way into a hair salon. LC (who has chosen to wear suspenders - on purpose!) asks Lo "what kind of 'do she's gonna do." Lo thinks for a moment and replies, "I think just, like, a little button." Wha-? This is the first time I've heard of this style. I mean, I can contextually gather what a button of hair will look like, but don't we usually just call it a bun? And by "we," evidently I mean me and my grandma. I can't keep up with these crazy kids and their hair terminology. Lauren describes her dress and Lo exclaims that "lime green is, like, the cutest thing I've ever seen." Maybe my standards of cuteness are old-fashioned, but I personally don't believe a color itself can be the cutest thing ever, unless it's the color of a puppy playing in a field of pillows... of the same color.
In the salon, they make silly, fake-looking sophisticated faces in the mirror and discuss what they want their hair to look like. "Up, but not UP," Lo instructs. "I want a 'DO. Not too polished, but just kinda..." gestures Lau.
"Mmmm, looking at myself is absolutely delicious."
The girls discuss how fun the upcoming night will be, and Lo asks who's doing the event. I don't know about y'all, but I've never casually discussed PR representation for an event I'm going to, especially not when I'm feeling my most vapid, self-centered and adorable (which, incidentally, is a rare combination of feelings. For me, anyway). Not surprisingly, it's Bolthouse, and Lo asks if Lau will talk to Heidi. Lau promptly shakes her head as if to say, "Are you psychotic? I wouldn't talk to that biotch even if we were partners on '$100,000 Pyramid.'"
"Ooh! Ooh! Things That Have Nothing To Do With Reality!"
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Comments (15)
Thanks for the recap! Hilarious as always. I think I'm the only person on earth working today so this was actually made the day somewhat bearable.
The timeline for this was beyond screwed up. The Heidi/Lauren meeting was all over US Weekly a few months ago. Every mention made of the wedding was done with voiceovers. Usually I don't notice or care about stuff like this, but now I think MTV just doesn't even care anymore.
Anyway thanks for all your great recaps this season O Snapp...happy new year! Are you going to recap the City?
1 of 15 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on December 31, 2008 8:24 AM
msu - I am also at work today, so you're not alone!
I actually enjoyed this episode...but I guess after a season of watching episodes that were painfully boring any type of excitement would be a step up. I felt badly for Heidi and almost squeezed a couple of tears out for her...what is wrong with me?!?
Stephanie needs a stylist - stat! What was up with the orange top & fur vest combo at the black tie event? And those pin-up girl seamed stockings with a long shirt...girlfriend is not putting those fake classes at FIDM to use!!
2 of 15 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:11 AM
I totally cried when Heidi broke down in front of Lauren. I've felt bad for Heidi all along. She seems so sweet and a little naive. I think Lauren needs to pull the stick out of her you know what and stop being so damn judgemental. She is way too worried about who her girlfriends date.
3 of 15 | Posted by Barbie071979 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:46 AM
This recap made me laugh like hell. "Up but not UP."
4 of 15 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on December 31, 2008 10:22 AM
OK, I am confused....Was there marriage in Mexico legal or not? If it was NOT legal, then why wasnt it?? It if WAS legal, then why pretend to go to the courthouse to get married?
And.. what was sister pratt wearing at the courthouse? it was so 80's.
OH, by the way, I am also working today. Ya'll have a great new year. My B-day is tommorow!!!
5 of 15 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:25 AM
I enjoyed Heidi's curtsy to the fake judge. What a dumbass.
Great recap - thanks for spending all this time on this pretty lame season. Are you recapping the CITY
6 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:43 AM
Yes Please! I second that request for a recap of The City!
I was very relieved to see that they did not move forward with legalizing their wedding in the U.S. Seriously, how can Heidi just turn her back on her family and friends for Spencer? I really can't figure out what in the world is his hold over her! She was never this whipped over anyone on the earlier seasons of The Hills....
This was a good finale. Did anyone watch the Aftershow? Stephanie was all hugged up on Holly. So fake. I liked how Holly kept it real and said, "We'll see" when asked if she thought the wedding would last. Stephanie lives in a dream world with Spencer and Heidi...
7 of 15 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:56 AM
"They affectionately call each other rare and special individuals. In actuality, they're both painfully plain people just dressed up and bogged down with makeup to seem indiscriminately more interesting."
BEST ASSESSMENT EVER!!! I kinda feel like this sums up this show as a whole.
8 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on December 31, 2008 4:47 PM
I actually thought Heidi's tears during her talk with LC seemed like huge alligator tears, Tila Tequila style. She completely loses that "emotion" in the next sentence; the tears go away and her voice returns to normal. I thought the crying she did at the end seemed more real, but it shows the sad state of Heidi's brainwashed mind. She told her mom she was happy with her decision during the confrontation on the couch, and was going to go through the courtroom wedding (yes, I know it was fake, but humor me) despite internally being THAT upset about not having her mom there? Tsk tsk, Heidi. That's depressing.
9 of 15 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:49 AM
Great recap.
The whole Speidi wedding thing was just plain awful. I felt bad for the fake judge.
I guess now we have a whole season of Speidi's wedding plans, photo ops and family fights and choosing teams for the big blowout fight in the church. I hope Heidi makes Spencer wear a really dorky outfit. Wouldn't it be great if Heidi's family was Scotish? I could totally see how awful Spencer would look in his little pleated skirt.
One last thing, when the lights are turned off, do Blaudrina's teeth glow in the dark? Seriously, it looks like you could read a book to the glow of her teeth.
10 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 1, 2009 3:44 PM
I, too, was sort of speechless when Heidi broke down in front of LC. My husband and I were watching together and we just silently looked at each other in shock. I think she was sincere. For the first time EVAH! Did think she was a bit of a "c-u-next-Tuesday" to her mother, though.
As for Spencer being selfless at the end...I couldn't disagree more. I thought he did that just to test how far he could actually push this stupid chick. He never meant to make anything legal. He wanted to flex his "muscles" and prove that he could have made Heidi marry him if HE wanted to. This made him even more of an A-Hole!
Oh well. The City looks likes it's gonna suck balls (and not in a good way). That Austrailian dude reminds me of that British rocker guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall...can't think of his name. He hosted the VMAs I think.
I don't even want to get started on Bromance. WTF?!
11 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 1, 2009 6:15 PM
i don't understand the hairdresser reference to justin bobby and blah? please explain.
12 of 15 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:20 PM
ugly cutie - Russell Brand.
reckless saturn - i think that someone said Justin Bobby worked as a hairstylist for his regular "job"
13 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on January 1, 2009 9:43 PM
Hey All!
Uglycutie, THANK YOU for the reference to the Sarah Marshall dude...I've been trying to pinpoint who the Australian reminded me of since the sneak previews aired!!! THANKS!
Seriously, WTF regarding Bromance...my husband and I couldn't stop laughing...in the most painful way.
14 of 15 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on January 1, 2009 11:32 PM
Great recap for a lackluster season, OSnapp! After the revolving recapper door for this show, you've settled into the groove quite nicely. And thanks for the shot-out to my investigative reporting. ;-)
Put me down as another request for you to recap The City. I actually watched the first two episodes because I like Whitney. Can't wait to read your take on Olivia (aka the New Bitch).
To the poster above, Jay has to miss about 126,935 showers to become the new JustinBobby.
Happy New Year all!
15 of 15 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 4, 2009 4:40 AM