Debs asks Heidi how everything is, oh so casually. "Well..." Heidi begins, "We went to Mexico... and... had a coupla margaritas... it was a beautiful sunset..." Debbie asks if that's all it takes to get married. Spencer stares out the window as the ladies discuss having a wedding vs. being tricked into marriage by drinking one's body weight in tequila. Heidi insists she's happy with her decision, so Debbie unconvincingly claims to be happy for her. "Thank yewww," Heidi says meekly. Debbie admits that she's upset, Heidi says it shouldn't matter to her, Debbie replies that it affects a lot of people who have loved and cared for Heidi for twenty-something years up to this point. She makes the point that a wedding is also special for a mother, not just the bride. Heidi says she "can't not live her life worrying" about what other people think. That isn't the wrong way to use a double negative. Or maybe it is. Wait, wha-? As Debbie weeps from her exclusion from her daughter's life, Heidi takes her usual route and puts on "concerned face" while never actually emoting. Why doesn't she ever cry on this show? She's the only one who doesn't! It's really starting to get to me. Is she a fembot or what?!
"Well, I guess you won."
*Nelson Muntz laugh*
"That's it. I'm about to get Lifetime Movie-Of-The-Week on your ass."
Back at the Viceroy, two post-adolescents with too much money pretend to be grown-ups and order the "fillay min-yo'." Pigpen describes the environment as "like, an outside dark night picnic... situation." I tell ya, that kid's got a way with words... he's a modern Dylan Thomas. Blahdrina smiles in agreement and remarks that she feels really antsy lately. They try to figure out the source of her unrest, ignoring the obvious answer.
Maybe she should stop brushing her teeth with cocaine.
She says she's probably nervous because of him. He says gets nervous too, when he doesn't see her for awhile. Since when is he so boyfriend-y and possessive? Two episodes ago he despised her and questioned her mental health. They affectionately call each other rare and special individuals. In actuality, they're both painfully plain people just dressed up and bogged down with makeup to seem indiscriminately more interesting. But we all still know ("we all" being those of us over the age of 19) that no matter how much Max Factor mascara she slops on or how many glitter helmets he wears, she will still be the codependent ditz and he will remain the manipulative commitment-phobe.
"You're rare!"
"No, YOU'RE rare!"
"No, YOU are!"
They talk about the universe, and he asks if she's happy. She replies that she doesn't know and asks what he thinks, and not in the sarcastic way. She actually asks him to tell her what she feels. She stays quiet until he programs her emotion center. He asks if she's comfortable where they stand and asks again if she's happy. Uh-oh, astrology AND emotional philosophy? This kind of faux seriousness can only lead to one of two plot twists: final breakup or marriage proposal. Let's break it down.
He says he doesn't know what to think. (Breakup.)
Although, judging by the blankness in his eyes, I believe him to be speaking the truth. (Stoned.)
He says they're "at a standstill that's kind of stuck." (Bad communication. And breakup.)
"Something's gonna have to change." (Proposal.)
"I don't think it's fair to you, or to me." (Breakup.)
"But I'm super-blessed to know you." (TOTAL breakup.)
"I don't have that big of a connection with people, and you are definitely one of those people." (Proposal... although he doesn't have that big of a connection with reality, either.)
He holds up his pinkie finger and then does this, the meaning of which is, at first, unclear.
"My dear, you make me want to absolutely blow chunks."
No, he's got a ring! She holds out her hand greedily until he gives it to her, and she describes it as "kewt." I could be mistaken, but unless they're Hello Kitty, shouldn't rings be beautiful or something? It's not clarified whether this is an engagement ring, a promise ring, or just a "thanks for fucking me" ring, but Blahdrina seems relatively pleased nonetheless. I'm wondering whether Pigpen got it in a quarter machine at the grocery store. And then... they shake hands?
"A pleasure doing business with you, kind sir. Do send my regards to Dino."
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Comments (15)
Thanks for the recap! Hilarious as always. I think I'm the only person on earth working today so this was actually made the day somewhat bearable.
The timeline for this was beyond screwed up. The Heidi/Lauren meeting was all over US Weekly a few months ago. Every mention made of the wedding was done with voiceovers. Usually I don't notice or care about stuff like this, but now I think MTV just doesn't even care anymore.
Anyway thanks for all your great recaps this season O Snapp...happy new year! Are you going to recap the City?
1 of 15 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on December 31, 2008 8:24 AM
msu - I am also at work today, so you're not alone!
I actually enjoyed this episode...but I guess after a season of watching episodes that were painfully boring any type of excitement would be a step up. I felt badly for Heidi and almost squeezed a couple of tears out for her...what is wrong with me?!?
Stephanie needs a stylist - stat! What was up with the orange top & fur vest combo at the black tie event? And those pin-up girl seamed stockings with a long shirt...girlfriend is not putting those fake classes at FIDM to use!!
2 of 15 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:11 AM
I totally cried when Heidi broke down in front of Lauren. I've felt bad for Heidi all along. She seems so sweet and a little naive. I think Lauren needs to pull the stick out of her you know what and stop being so damn judgemental. She is way too worried about who her girlfriends date.
3 of 15 | Posted by Barbie071979 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:46 AM
This recap made me laugh like hell. "Up but not UP."
4 of 15 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on December 31, 2008 10:22 AM
OK, I am confused....Was there marriage in Mexico legal or not? If it was NOT legal, then why wasnt it?? It if WAS legal, then why pretend to go to the courthouse to get married?
And.. what was sister pratt wearing at the courthouse? it was so 80's.
OH, by the way, I am also working today. Ya'll have a great new year. My B-day is tommorow!!!
5 of 15 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:25 AM
I enjoyed Heidi's curtsy to the fake judge. What a dumbass.
Great recap - thanks for spending all this time on this pretty lame season. Are you recapping the CITY
6 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:43 AM
Yes Please! I second that request for a recap of The City!
I was very relieved to see that they did not move forward with legalizing their wedding in the U.S. Seriously, how can Heidi just turn her back on her family and friends for Spencer? I really can't figure out what in the world is his hold over her! She was never this whipped over anyone on the earlier seasons of The Hills....
This was a good finale. Did anyone watch the Aftershow? Stephanie was all hugged up on Holly. So fake. I liked how Holly kept it real and said, "We'll see" when asked if she thought the wedding would last. Stephanie lives in a dream world with Spencer and Heidi...
7 of 15 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:56 AM
"They affectionately call each other rare and special individuals. In actuality, they're both painfully plain people just dressed up and bogged down with makeup to seem indiscriminately more interesting."
BEST ASSESSMENT EVER!!! I kinda feel like this sums up this show as a whole.
8 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on December 31, 2008 4:47 PM
I actually thought Heidi's tears during her talk with LC seemed like huge alligator tears, Tila Tequila style. She completely loses that "emotion" in the next sentence; the tears go away and her voice returns to normal. I thought the crying she did at the end seemed more real, but it shows the sad state of Heidi's brainwashed mind. She told her mom she was happy with her decision during the confrontation on the couch, and was going to go through the courtroom wedding (yes, I know it was fake, but humor me) despite internally being THAT upset about not having her mom there? Tsk tsk, Heidi. That's depressing.
9 of 15 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:49 AM
Great recap.
The whole Speidi wedding thing was just plain awful. I felt bad for the fake judge.
I guess now we have a whole season of Speidi's wedding plans, photo ops and family fights and choosing teams for the big blowout fight in the church. I hope Heidi makes Spencer wear a really dorky outfit. Wouldn't it be great if Heidi's family was Scotish? I could totally see how awful Spencer would look in his little pleated skirt.
One last thing, when the lights are turned off, do Blaudrina's teeth glow in the dark? Seriously, it looks like you could read a book to the glow of her teeth.
10 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 1, 2009 3:44 PM
I, too, was sort of speechless when Heidi broke down in front of LC. My husband and I were watching together and we just silently looked at each other in shock. I think she was sincere. For the first time EVAH! Did think she was a bit of a "c-u-next-Tuesday" to her mother, though.
As for Spencer being selfless at the end...I couldn't disagree more. I thought he did that just to test how far he could actually push this stupid chick. He never meant to make anything legal. He wanted to flex his "muscles" and prove that he could have made Heidi marry him if HE wanted to. This made him even more of an A-Hole!
Oh well. The City looks likes it's gonna suck balls (and not in a good way). That Austrailian dude reminds me of that British rocker guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall...can't think of his name. He hosted the VMAs I think.
I don't even want to get started on Bromance. WTF?!
11 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 1, 2009 6:15 PM
i don't understand the hairdresser reference to justin bobby and blah? please explain.
12 of 15 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:20 PM
ugly cutie - Russell Brand.
reckless saturn - i think that someone said Justin Bobby worked as a hairstylist for his regular "job"
13 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on January 1, 2009 9:43 PM
Hey All!
Uglycutie, THANK YOU for the reference to the Sarah Marshall dude...I've been trying to pinpoint who the Australian reminded me of since the sneak previews aired!!! THANKS!
Seriously, WTF regarding Bromance...my husband and I couldn't stop laughing...in the most painful way.
14 of 15 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on January 1, 2009 11:32 PM
Great recap for a lackluster season, OSnapp! After the revolving recapper door for this show, you've settled into the groove quite nicely. And thanks for the shot-out to my investigative reporting. ;-)
Put me down as another request for you to recap The City. I actually watched the first two episodes because I like Whitney. Can't wait to read your take on Olivia (aka the New Bitch).
To the poster above, Jay has to miss about 126,935 showers to become the new JustinBobby.
Happy New Year all!
15 of 15 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 4, 2009 4:40 AM