Weird. At the SMS grand opening, Heidi and Kimberly congratulate themselves on a job well done and Heidi reiterates the fact that Spencer is banned from all Bolthouse events. Luckily, Holly and Stephanie will be there. "My two sisters!" Heidi says while Kimmy grimaces. They decide to "go look at the party," and I wonder how that's different from what they were just doing, in the corner facing the party and talking about it. They find her two sisters, one of whom is wearing a gorgeous backless dress that highlights a weird rib tattoo, while the other... seems to have missed the memo that this was a black-tie affair.
And don't her hands look freakishly tiny? Like, fetus-sized tiny?
Just as Holly stifles a mouthful of vomit upon hearing the words "Mrs. Pratt," the ladies spot Lauren and Lo across the room. I'm not sure why they all seem surprised; isn't it part of Heidi's job to put together the guest list? Anyway, Heidi wonders aloud whether she should say hello.
Too late.
Lauren and Lo smile politely. Lo giggles like a bitchy homecoming queen. Heidi half-mouths, half whispers, "Hi...." Both parties wonder what to do: passively ignore each other then gossip about it afterwards? Or duke it out in a black-tie confrontation then gossip about it afterwards? Stephanie reasons with Heidi that they're at HER party, so they knew they'd have to talk to her. She should do it. "One hundred percent!" she says encouragingly. Hmm. I'd put it at about 63%. A one percent increase with each booze beverage consumed. Across the room, Lo warns Lau that Heidevil is approaching. Lau is less than enthused.
"Damn, why did I choose tonight to dress like a Long Island real estate agent?"
Doesn't it look like she's looking at herself in the mirror? Also, these girls paid a salon to give them loose buns? Wait, that came out all wrong. Back to business - Lo whispers not to worry, it looks like Heidi's been taking her meds. Heidi asks if she can talk to Lauren. You know, why does it always have to be a thing? Can't she just come over and say, "Hello ladies! Good to see you. How are you enjoying the soiree?" Maybe she should just BE nice and cordial to them whenever they happen to cross each other's paths, and eventually Lauren will get used to seeing her, rather than having a big confrontation every time they're in the same room. Nevertheless, Lo excuses herself to give them a moment.
Nice button.
Lauren guzzles her champagne and looks everywhere but directly at Heidi. Heidi asks how she is, and she replies in the positive. They share an extremely long and extremely painful silence, wherein they both just sort of nod at each other and Heidi tries to stare herself into Lauren's brain. That may work when Spencer does it, but Heidi hasn't yet mastered it. LC finally offers that she hates that this is awkward. Heidi says she misses her. LC's discomfort is exponentially increased.
"Perhaps you misunderstood me. I said I HATE that this is awkward."
LC asks Heidi if she's happy, what with the whole quickie-marriage-that-nobody-approves-of thing. Heidi bleakly replies that she is. Lauren pushes her further and asks about her mom. Heidi takes a deep breath and begins to say she's okay, but actually stops and admits that it's been really hard, breaking into tears. Like, choked up, not-acting tears. Finally! Lauren looks... pleased?
"Yayyyyy, I made you cryyyyyy!"
LC gives Heidi a hug and Heidi continues on about her domestic difficulties, explaining that some of the things her mom said were "ir-repair-able." Her voice is raspy! She's gasping for breath! Her chin quivers! The fembot shell has broken, huzzah! I actually feel bad for her, which almost never happens. LC assures her that Momtag only wants the best for her, and that she has an amazing mom. Heidi chimes in, "AND sister, and Stephanie, and..." no one else. "... ya know." She says the only thing missing in her life is LC (and an annulment). Lauren looks down, shakes her head, and stays strong. I've gotta give it to her, she doesn't waver when the people who fucked her over are crying in her face.
"MY NOSE IS JUST NOT MADE FOR THIS!"
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Comments (15)
Thanks for the recap! Hilarious as always. I think I'm the only person on earth working today so this was actually made the day somewhat bearable.
The timeline for this was beyond screwed up. The Heidi/Lauren meeting was all over US Weekly a few months ago. Every mention made of the wedding was done with voiceovers. Usually I don't notice or care about stuff like this, but now I think MTV just doesn't even care anymore.
Anyway thanks for all your great recaps this season O Snapp...happy new year! Are you going to recap the City?
1 of 15 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on December 31, 2008 8:24 AM
msu - I am also at work today, so you're not alone!
I actually enjoyed this episode...but I guess after a season of watching episodes that were painfully boring any type of excitement would be a step up. I felt badly for Heidi and almost squeezed a couple of tears out for her...what is wrong with me?!?
Stephanie needs a stylist - stat! What was up with the orange top & fur vest combo at the black tie event? And those pin-up girl seamed stockings with a long shirt...girlfriend is not putting those fake classes at FIDM to use!!
2 of 15 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:11 AM
I totally cried when Heidi broke down in front of Lauren. I've felt bad for Heidi all along. She seems so sweet and a little naive. I think Lauren needs to pull the stick out of her you know what and stop being so damn judgemental. She is way too worried about who her girlfriends date.
3 of 15 | Posted by Barbie071979 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:46 AM
This recap made me laugh like hell. "Up but not UP."
4 of 15 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on December 31, 2008 10:22 AM
OK, I am confused....Was there marriage in Mexico legal or not? If it was NOT legal, then why wasnt it?? It if WAS legal, then why pretend to go to the courthouse to get married?
And.. what was sister pratt wearing at the courthouse? it was so 80's.
OH, by the way, I am also working today. Ya'll have a great new year. My B-day is tommorow!!!
5 of 15 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:25 AM
I enjoyed Heidi's curtsy to the fake judge. What a dumbass.
Great recap - thanks for spending all this time on this pretty lame season. Are you recapping the CITY
6 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:43 AM
Yes Please! I second that request for a recap of The City!
I was very relieved to see that they did not move forward with legalizing their wedding in the U.S. Seriously, how can Heidi just turn her back on her family and friends for Spencer? I really can't figure out what in the world is his hold over her! She was never this whipped over anyone on the earlier seasons of The Hills....
This was a good finale. Did anyone watch the Aftershow? Stephanie was all hugged up on Holly. So fake. I liked how Holly kept it real and said, "We'll see" when asked if she thought the wedding would last. Stephanie lives in a dream world with Spencer and Heidi...
7 of 15 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:56 AM
"They affectionately call each other rare and special individuals. In actuality, they're both painfully plain people just dressed up and bogged down with makeup to seem indiscriminately more interesting."
BEST ASSESSMENT EVER!!! I kinda feel like this sums up this show as a whole.
8 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on December 31, 2008 4:47 PM
I actually thought Heidi's tears during her talk with LC seemed like huge alligator tears, Tila Tequila style. She completely loses that "emotion" in the next sentence; the tears go away and her voice returns to normal. I thought the crying she did at the end seemed more real, but it shows the sad state of Heidi's brainwashed mind. She told her mom she was happy with her decision during the confrontation on the couch, and was going to go through the courtroom wedding (yes, I know it was fake, but humor me) despite internally being THAT upset about not having her mom there? Tsk tsk, Heidi. That's depressing.
9 of 15 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:49 AM
Great recap.
The whole Speidi wedding thing was just plain awful. I felt bad for the fake judge.
I guess now we have a whole season of Speidi's wedding plans, photo ops and family fights and choosing teams for the big blowout fight in the church. I hope Heidi makes Spencer wear a really dorky outfit. Wouldn't it be great if Heidi's family was Scotish? I could totally see how awful Spencer would look in his little pleated skirt.
One last thing, when the lights are turned off, do Blaudrina's teeth glow in the dark? Seriously, it looks like you could read a book to the glow of her teeth.
10 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 1, 2009 3:44 PM
I, too, was sort of speechless when Heidi broke down in front of LC. My husband and I were watching together and we just silently looked at each other in shock. I think she was sincere. For the first time EVAH! Did think she was a bit of a "c-u-next-Tuesday" to her mother, though.
As for Spencer being selfless at the end...I couldn't disagree more. I thought he did that just to test how far he could actually push this stupid chick. He never meant to make anything legal. He wanted to flex his "muscles" and prove that he could have made Heidi marry him if HE wanted to. This made him even more of an A-Hole!
Oh well. The City looks likes it's gonna suck balls (and not in a good way). That Austrailian dude reminds me of that British rocker guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall...can't think of his name. He hosted the VMAs I think.
I don't even want to get started on Bromance. WTF?!
11 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 1, 2009 6:15 PM
i don't understand the hairdresser reference to justin bobby and blah? please explain.
12 of 15 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:20 PM
ugly cutie - Russell Brand.
reckless saturn - i think that someone said Justin Bobby worked as a hairstylist for his regular "job"
13 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on January 1, 2009 9:43 PM
Hey All!
Uglycutie, THANK YOU for the reference to the Sarah Marshall dude...I've been trying to pinpoint who the Australian reminded me of since the sneak previews aired!!! THANKS!
Seriously, WTF regarding Bromance...my husband and I couldn't stop laughing...in the most painful way.
14 of 15 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on January 1, 2009 11:32 PM
Great recap for a lackluster season, OSnapp! After the revolving recapper door for this show, you've settled into the groove quite nicely. And thanks for the shot-out to my investigative reporting. ;-)
Put me down as another request for you to recap The City. I actually watched the first two episodes because I like Whitney. Can't wait to read your take on Olivia (aka the New Bitch).
To the poster above, Jay has to miss about 126,935 showers to become the new JustinBobby.
Happy New Year all!
15 of 15 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 4, 2009 4:40 AM