Heidi then pays her the highest compliment one twentysomething girl can give to another in Los Angeles: she asks her if she's been exercising, and insists it's not just good drapery on her dress that's making her look thin. Awwww. She muses that she feels like she's still 18, but that time just keeps moving forward. Maybe that's because she never grows emotionally. She's trying to do all these "adult" things, but her maturity level never catches up. She's just a little girl playing dress up with a pube-faced Ken doll. Lauren promises Heidi that if she ever really needed her, she'd be there for her. They exchange "I miss you"s and part ways.
We're transitioned WITHOUT MUSIC to the Pratt love nest the next day. Something serious must be about to happen. It's like when someone important dies on "24" and they go to commercial with a silent ticking clock. It's damn eerie. Indeed, Momtag is in the kitchen when King Spencer rises and greets the day. He observes that she is up very early, a fact that she attributes to not sleeping well the night before. God, please don't tell me Heidi and Spencer were breaking in their matrimonial bed while Momtag's staying with them. Mom asks where Heidi is, and Spencer replies that she's risen before all of them to go to work. What time to these lazy-asses get up, anyway? Spencer shows Momtag photos from their fake wedding, emphasizing "just us, the minister, and an EMPTY chapel." Dig, dig, dig. He curls his shoulders up around his neck as he is wont to do before any passive-aggressive battle. He's also grown about four inches of facial hair since the previous day.
Chia Douche
They talk about how Spence & Heid are going to the courthouse that day to make it official (which, as we all know from the HuffPo article to which reader BlahBlah so thoughtfully alerted us, is TOTALLY STAGED). Momtag launches into her calmly-stated assault on Spencer, telling him she knows he manipulated Heidi into the whole thing and that she refuses to let her daughter marry him. As she goes on and on about how wrong it all is, Spencer condescendingly whispers, "Okay. Okay." Spencer tells her that Heidi is his wife and she needs to accept it, then goes for the jugular: "We'll go to the courthouse, we'll make it legal. Then you'll be my mom." If I was Momtag I'd kick him in the nuts right then.
At the Viceroy, Pigpen and Blahdrina lay around in bed together, disgustingly, blathering on about how they love each other, how they've been through a lot together (ha! a lot of breakups, maybe!) and trust, communication, boring boring boring.
"Can you believe I woke up already wearing eyeliner and self-tanner?"
At the Beverly Hills Municipal Court, Spencer, Heidi and Stephanie walk down a long hallway of death. Spencer says it's the happiest day of his life, while Heidi quietly says that she wishes her mom was there. She tries to excuse herself to "freshen up." Spencer says she looks great, and she thanks him while walking away. "Come on, let's just do this!" he tries to muscle her. She insists she'll only be a moment and goes to the ladies' room, presumably to cry her eyes out from sheer, aching loneliness and maybe get a little high, just to get through the day.
The second she walks away, Stephanie tells Spencer he can't do this, he just can't. He replies that he got dressed up and filled out a bunch of paperwork. He HAS to get married. She tells him that he can't let Heidi's wedding consist of a judge and a policeman. True. She says that Heidi will remember this day forever, and that the only thing she'll think about is the fact that she's not talking to her sister or her mom. VERY true. When did Stephanie become so... sisterly? She tells him with urgency to wait until Heidi's on better terms with her family, and that, seriously, this is WRONG.
Good bridesmaid. Bad bridesmaid dress.
Heidi toddles back over in her oddly chunky high-heeled shoe boots, tears undisguised and teetering just at the surface of her eyelids. They enter the courtroom and Heidi looks downright terrified. This isn't at all like the "Sex and the City" movie. Judge Donna greets them, asks their names and launches her ceremony with some advice that marriage is sacred and should be taken to thoughtfully, not lightly (nor drunkenly). Spencer takes a few deep breaths and also looks nervous as fuck. In the background, Stephanie's eyes are wide and she looks like she's about to pull a Benjamin Braddock and scream "NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I OBJECT!" and find a wall of glass to pound on or something.
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Comments (15)
Thanks for the recap! Hilarious as always. I think I'm the only person on earth working today so this was actually made the day somewhat bearable.
The timeline for this was beyond screwed up. The Heidi/Lauren meeting was all over US Weekly a few months ago. Every mention made of the wedding was done with voiceovers. Usually I don't notice or care about stuff like this, but now I think MTV just doesn't even care anymore.
Anyway thanks for all your great recaps this season O Snapp...happy new year! Are you going to recap the City?
1 of 15 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on December 31, 2008 8:24 AM
msu - I am also at work today, so you're not alone!
I actually enjoyed this episode...but I guess after a season of watching episodes that were painfully boring any type of excitement would be a step up. I felt badly for Heidi and almost squeezed a couple of tears out for her...what is wrong with me?!?
Stephanie needs a stylist - stat! What was up with the orange top & fur vest combo at the black tie event? And those pin-up girl seamed stockings with a long shirt...girlfriend is not putting those fake classes at FIDM to use!!
2 of 15 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:11 AM
I totally cried when Heidi broke down in front of Lauren. I've felt bad for Heidi all along. She seems so sweet and a little naive. I think Lauren needs to pull the stick out of her you know what and stop being so damn judgemental. She is way too worried about who her girlfriends date.
3 of 15 | Posted by Barbie071979 | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:46 AM
This recap made me laugh like hell. "Up but not UP."
4 of 15 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on December 31, 2008 10:22 AM
OK, I am confused....Was there marriage in Mexico legal or not? If it was NOT legal, then why wasnt it?? It if WAS legal, then why pretend to go to the courthouse to get married?
And.. what was sister pratt wearing at the courthouse? it was so 80's.
OH, by the way, I am also working today. Ya'll have a great new year. My B-day is tommorow!!!
5 of 15 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:25 AM
I enjoyed Heidi's curtsy to the fake judge. What a dumbass.
Great recap - thanks for spending all this time on this pretty lame season. Are you recapping the CITY
6 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:43 AM
Yes Please! I second that request for a recap of The City!
I was very relieved to see that they did not move forward with legalizing their wedding in the U.S. Seriously, how can Heidi just turn her back on her family and friends for Spencer? I really can't figure out what in the world is his hold over her! She was never this whipped over anyone on the earlier seasons of The Hills....
This was a good finale. Did anyone watch the Aftershow? Stephanie was all hugged up on Holly. So fake. I liked how Holly kept it real and said, "We'll see" when asked if she thought the wedding would last. Stephanie lives in a dream world with Spencer and Heidi...
7 of 15 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:56 AM
"They affectionately call each other rare and special individuals. In actuality, they're both painfully plain people just dressed up and bogged down with makeup to seem indiscriminately more interesting."
BEST ASSESSMENT EVER!!! I kinda feel like this sums up this show as a whole.
8 of 15 | Posted by Reiray | Posted on December 31, 2008 4:47 PM
I actually thought Heidi's tears during her talk with LC seemed like huge alligator tears, Tila Tequila style. She completely loses that "emotion" in the next sentence; the tears go away and her voice returns to normal. I thought the crying she did at the end seemed more real, but it shows the sad state of Heidi's brainwashed mind. She told her mom she was happy with her decision during the confrontation on the couch, and was going to go through the courtroom wedding (yes, I know it was fake, but humor me) despite internally being THAT upset about not having her mom there? Tsk tsk, Heidi. That's depressing.
9 of 15 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:49 AM
Great recap.
The whole Speidi wedding thing was just plain awful. I felt bad for the fake judge.
I guess now we have a whole season of Speidi's wedding plans, photo ops and family fights and choosing teams for the big blowout fight in the church. I hope Heidi makes Spencer wear a really dorky outfit. Wouldn't it be great if Heidi's family was Scotish? I could totally see how awful Spencer would look in his little pleated skirt.
One last thing, when the lights are turned off, do Blaudrina's teeth glow in the dark? Seriously, it looks like you could read a book to the glow of her teeth.
10 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on January 1, 2009 3:44 PM
I, too, was sort of speechless when Heidi broke down in front of LC. My husband and I were watching together and we just silently looked at each other in shock. I think she was sincere. For the first time EVAH! Did think she was a bit of a "c-u-next-Tuesday" to her mother, though.
As for Spencer being selfless at the end...I couldn't disagree more. I thought he did that just to test how far he could actually push this stupid chick. He never meant to make anything legal. He wanted to flex his "muscles" and prove that he could have made Heidi marry him if HE wanted to. This made him even more of an A-Hole!
Oh well. The City looks likes it's gonna suck balls (and not in a good way). That Austrailian dude reminds me of that British rocker guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall...can't think of his name. He hosted the VMAs I think.
I don't even want to get started on Bromance. WTF?!
11 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on January 1, 2009 6:15 PM
i don't understand the hairdresser reference to justin bobby and blah? please explain.
12 of 15 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on January 1, 2009 8:20 PM
ugly cutie - Russell Brand.
reckless saturn - i think that someone said Justin Bobby worked as a hairstylist for his regular "job"
13 of 15 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on January 1, 2009 9:43 PM
Hey All!
Uglycutie, THANK YOU for the reference to the Sarah Marshall dude...I've been trying to pinpoint who the Australian reminded me of since the sneak previews aired!!! THANKS!
Seriously, WTF regarding Bromance...my husband and I couldn't stop laughing...in the most painful way.
14 of 15 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on January 1, 2009 11:32 PM
Great recap for a lackluster season, OSnapp! After the revolving recapper door for this show, you've settled into the groove quite nicely. And thanks for the shot-out to my investigative reporting. ;-)
Put me down as another request for you to recap The City. I actually watched the first two episodes because I like Whitney. Can't wait to read your take on Olivia (aka the New Bitch).
To the poster above, Jay has to miss about 126,935 showers to become the new JustinBobby.
Happy New Year all!
15 of 15 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on January 4, 2009 4:40 AM