And neither do we.
Previously on The Hills, Heidi was weak, Spencer was an intolerant brat, and LC was a frigid non-bitch. Tonight on The Hills, a double recap! Lucky you. Because I was surprised by the special new episode right before the MTV Video Music Awards, you get a double dose of my snark regarding a double dose of boring, set-up drama created by MTV. I swear, sometimes this show is like "Valley Of The Dolls" but without the drugs. And, really, where's the fun in that?
"LC... promise me you'll never get back together with Jason Wahler. Promise."
The first episode of the night centers around a break from the mundaneness of everyday life for a jaunt to beautiful, gaudy Las Vegas! The LV Board of Tourism must have some kind of deal with "The Hills" for as much time as they spend there. This time it's all for Frankie's birthday, who, for as small a part as he plays on this show, has proven to be sort of the Great Unifier within the Los Angeles group o' 'tards.
The Trio of Blondes (Lauren, Lo, and rising star Stephanie) walk out into the glorious sunshine and towards a private jet, which happens to belong to Duhg. "You broke up with a guy with a JET??" Stephanie asks with the appropriate amount of incredulity. But in incestuous L.A., just because you break up doesn't mean you stop seeing each other.
"We're still friends. Call this a benefit."
The girls squeal shrilly as they board the plane and take off. Inside, everyone is wearing aviator sunglasses (always dress the part!) and they toast with champagne. LC calls Duhg "baby" while Stephanie looks on with a slightly insane, lustful gaze that probably foreshadows something coming up in a few episodes. File this one away, kids.
Future Cougar
Lo remarks blandly, "I think it's fun for us all to, like, all hang out together, because we all get along so well." Well, yes, that's generally a basis for friendship, at least in most other parts of the universe. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but I'd say I generally tend to spend time with people I like. But all's not well in private jet paradise. LC mentions that Blahdrina and Pigpen will be meeting them in Vegas, then alludes to some sort of "long story" involving drama that she'll tell us about later. That's weird. Isn't the entire dragging plot of this show one "long story" that we don't really want to hear about?
Broday, already drunk and wearing his sunglasses inside (a hipster trait I loathe), stumbles over to the girls and proposes a toast to Stephanie, to whom he vows not to hold a grudge, although he follows that right up by saying having her there is like having Spencer around again. And we all know how THAT turned out. Everyone looks at each other with the same discomfort we all feel when a drunk friend makes a racist joke. Awkward!
"Really, LC? You'd rather be with this guy than me?"
The kids arrive at the hotel, which sort of looks like the set design for "Julius Caesar" if it starred Liberace. Upon entering their nondescript room, Lo squeals with delight at the beige walls and complementing white couch. What riveting design. I nominate her to replace Kelly Wearstler on the next season of that Bravo "Project Runway" knockoff for interior decorating.
Meanwhile, Stephanie shows off the newest addition to her "Biker Britney" collection.
In the two-bed room, Lauren claims one bed as her own, which means that Lo and Stephanie will be spooning tonight. However, I'm betting that, to avoid that situation at all costs, Lo will end up in Frankie's bed and Steph will end up snuggling with the crackhead down the block. "So Lauren, who you gonna make out with tonight? Duhhhhhg... or Broday?" Lo taunts. I'm hoping she'll make out with a blackjack dealer, but I'm not gonna hold my breath.
Steph complains about how awkward Broday is making everybody feel, because he knows that she's a good person (really?) but he's just spreading crap about her behind her back. Lauren, a 60-year-old grandma trapped inside the body of a 22-year-old, wisely advises, "All you can do is show him he's wrong."
"Like what, behave?"
Back in LaLaLand, Spencer's busy playing what looks to be a rather violent version of "Duck Hunt" when Mama Restylane bobbles in. Spencer complains about how much she works all the time ,which is fucking fitting for someone who won't even look up from his video game to greet her.
This is what happens when you spoil your child. He grows up to live in a video arcade with no drapery.
« Dan, Dan, He's Our Man, if He Can't Do It He'll Lie Until He Does | | Project Runway: The Lion, The Witch, and the A Hole from Utah »
Comments (10)
Great recap! Is it possible to hate so many talent-free people at the same time? I guess it is! It would be awesome if MTV did to the Hill-ites what they're doing to all those fucking spoiled ass "Super Sweet 16" girls and make them all have to donate time dishing out food at a New Orleans homeless shelter...
Great job, much love,
xoxo
J-Mo :)
P.S. That PR-knockoff show is called "Top Design"... :)
1 of 10 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 10, 2008 11:06 AM
Great recap - really funny.
I can't believe I watch these stupid people with their lame excuses for problems.
2 of 10 | Posted by kskeff27 | Posted on September 10, 2008 1:17 PM
great recap! check out film . com for some more!
3 of 10 | Posted by ilovetv | Posted on September 10, 2008 1:34 PM
hello? the reason brody and his friends always wear their shades inside is because they're stoned off their gourd. Seriously - not very snappy are you.
4 of 10 | Posted by itsthecheese | Posted on September 10, 2008 8:12 PM
itsthecheese...you are soooooo right!
Did anyone else cry during the LC/Blah fight/makeup? Or is my life that pathetic?
5 of 10 | Posted by pange | Posted on September 11, 2008 12:15 PM
pange, don't worry i cried a bit too.
except i burst out laughing at "i will awkwardly bop my head at the weird shows FOR YOU!"
this was definitely one of the better episodes of this season.
6 of 10 | Posted by kiwi | Posted on September 11, 2008 6:47 PM
I think Pigpen is as controlling and negative an influence as Spencer is. Why is Blah even back with him? Oh, I forgot, she's pathetic. Sorry, but Blah has to own this. Once she bacame a featured player, she all of a sudden needed to do her own thing and and hang around weirdos. She complains to anyone who will listen about how badly she gets treated by the girls and she's back with a guy who has cheated on her repeatedly, ditched her and humiliated her.
7 of 10 | Posted by cleoiam | Posted on September 12, 2008 6:18 AM
Pange, I shed a tear or two, as well during the LC/Audrina talk. It may have been because this scene seemed to be REAL. Like, REAL!
I laughed out loud during the tampon comment by Spencer. It was the first time I laughed about of a genuinely humorous line on the show.
Boy are they playing up the whole Stephanie/Doug relationship during commercials.
So first laugh and first cry. Fairly decent episode. Excellent recap!
8 of 10 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on September 12, 2008 12:59 PM
Pange, I shed a tear or two, as well during the LC/Audrina talk. It may have been because this scene seemed to be REAL. Like, REAL!
I laughed out loud during the tampon comment made by Spencer. It was the first time I laughed because of a genuinely humorous line on the show.
Boy are they playing up the whole Stephanie/Doug relationship during commercials.
So first laugh and first cry. Fairly decent episode. Excellent recap!
9 of 10 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on September 12, 2008 1:01 PM
I loved it when LC said that she bobbed her head at the weird shows cause that's what friends do. She's totally right!! Someone previously nailed it. Blah used to hang with LC and HER friends before she was a featured player and that was good enough for her then. But as her fame grew she wanted to do her own thing and she changed her routine but she doesn't want to take all the blame so she's gonna blame LC and Pigpen isn't gonna be honest with her either. He's gonna tell her what she wants to hear.
It looks so painful when Heidi talks.
10 of 10 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on September 13, 2008 11:29 AM