As the big season premiere opened up, Lauren gave us a few updates about the cast. Audrina, last seen answering phones at Quixote Studios in Hollywood, had made a huge career move... to answering phones at Epic Records. Who would have ever thought that a girl with such a magnetic and complex personality would be stuck languishing as a career assistant?

Meanwhile, our old fave Heidi had received a promotion at Bolthouse Productions, despite last season's stern warnings that it takes forever to move up in the event-planning industry. Clearly, no one took into consideration that Heidi was a) hot; b) a girl; and c) the breakout star of an MTV reality show. Anyway, at her new position, Heidi was no longer fetching tuna sandwiches and staring at her draconian list of responsibilities (ie. 8 AM start work. 6 pm stop work). Now Heidi was working the door at Hollywood hot spot Area (located just around the corner from the TVgasm home base). Even more importantly, however, was that Heidi had found a new douchebag to fill Jordan's sizable shoes. His name was Spencer, and already, we knew he was trouble because apparently, he was seeing Audrina and Heidi at the same time. Hence, the Heidi/Audrina split. Of course, this didn't precipitate a Heidi/Spencer split also. That would be too sensible.

But what about our star, Lauren? Well, as you may remember, she made the bonehead mistake of turning down a fake internship in Paris to live at a fake beach house in Malibu with her boy, Jason. However, Lauren soon told us that things went "from bad to worse." Question: if things were already bad, why the heck did you turn down the damn internship? Okay, I've already committed the first sin of Hills watching: applying logic.

Nevertheless, as we all read about in the tabloids this summer, Jason and LC broke up, and as the show began in earnest, we watched as Lauren pulled up to J-Wahl's apartment in her fancy new Mercedes convertible (those Teen Vogue internships must pay a pretty penny). Apparently, Lauren had arrived to return Jason's junk, but no one had bothered to tell Jason that this was supposed to be an emotionally draining. The first thing he said upon her arrival was "Damn! Golf clubs!" as if he was just the lucky recipient of a Toys For Tots campaign.

As Lauren plucked bags of his belonging out of her car, Jason marveled at the scope of this activity. "So much stuff..." he mumbled, his brain simultaneously exploding in the process. To be fair, he faints every time he walks into Costco. I kind of felt bad for LC because as she teared up at this sentimental transfer of goods, Jason appeared stoned off his ass, giggling at every little thing. Eventually, the two had a "talk" where he said he still wanted to hang out with LC -- lest the source of his fame leave him behind -- but she rebuffed him repeatedly. "Are you still going to be my buddy?" he then asked, failing to specify if she would be his fuck buddy or jail buddy. LC again said no, explaining, "I can't be normal with you." Of course, it's hard for anyone to be normal around a furry troll who communicates through an elaborate system of mumbles and sighs.

Finally, Lauren drove away, and the familiar refrain of Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" filled our ears. Yes, MTV's using the same song, which still fails to really work for the opening credits, but whatever. And speaking of opening credits, I couldn't help but notice that Audrina and Whitney received higher billing than Heidi. What gives?