"Steady.... don't make me laugh! Dead puppies. Baseball. The Montauk Monster."
I'm not sure if MTV is still promoting that whole "Rock The Vote" campaign, but if they are they're doing a very bad job of it (I'm looking at you, Diddy). That's because last night, as Michelle Obama and Ted Kennedy were giving their inspirational speeches about changing the world and moving our great nation forward, MTV was airing the first "The Hills" episode in, like, a year to show the entire cast in the same room at the same time. But don't worry, that's why recap sites exist. Yes, dear reader, I watched this ever-growing pile of shiny glittering shit so that you could watch the Democratic Convention. You did, right?
"My husband... will ensure that no child will grow up to be as spoiled and obnoxious as Heidi Montag."
After a menacing recap intro, we find our lovely LC and lovely-when-you're-drunk Stephanie at Fit'Em. Isn't it adorable how they still pretend to go to school, shooting in the same classroom every semester? (by the way, by "classroom" I mean set and by "semester" I mean season.) Shouldn't they be on summer vacay by now? Don't even try to tell me these brats take summer classes, I don't buy it. In class, the teacher commands the class to "take out their magazines," I can only assume for their weekly Tabloid Analysis. Hope LC studied hard for that one. They take notes furiously while Stephanie announces in a none-too-subtle whisper that her birthday is coming up. Wow, summer must be a booming time for cake shops in Los Angeles. Stephanie mentions the party will be at Boulevard 3 - on Sunset for all you spoiled hipsters who want to follow in your idol's footsteps, literally - and LC graciously invites herself, asking whether she can bring a guy. Stephanie's face drops and she mutters sadly, "You have a guy in your life?" I can't figure out whether the touch of disappointment in her voice signifies her frustration that LC didn't tell her about him, or that LC still likes guys. It could go either way.
"But... you didn't even change your Facebook Relationship Status!"
LC happily chirps on about how Duhg is an injured athlete, to which Stephanie excitedly proclaims her preferral of athletes over any other type of man. Except pot dealers and wealthy old men about to kick the bucket. Those are at least on par. Stephanie assures LC that she can bring her new piece of ass with her to the party and that Spencer and Heidi will almost definitely not be there, even though she invited them and they don't have lives of their own. They agree that Spence and Heidi are dramonsters and yet happily agree that probably nothing crazy will go down. Take us to the credits, Natasha!
"This week in InTouch, Mischa Barton donned an atrocious off-the-shoulder floral print."
Later, the Brangelina of the reality TV world (that would be LC and Duhg) have brunch at Creperie, happily sipping coffee and basking in the glow of young re-love, LC ignoring the trashy soap opera her life has become and Duhg blissfully unaware of the shitstorm he's about to walk into. "You know what I really really wanna find?" LC asks him. Hmmm, let's see. Friends she didn't meet through a casting agent? Anyone on earth who will ever tell her "no" to anything? The answer to all those pesky conflicts in the Middle East? "Our prom pictures!" she announces. Damn. You know, it wouldn't be that hard to re-create them. You had the exact same long highlighted hair, even tan, and wore the same MAC eyeliner back then that you do now. After a wee convo about that fascinating topic (they've known each other for a long time, get it?), Duhg actually asks her how things are going with Blahrina. I know he was probably told to ask about her, but it's still sweet. Usually the guys don't really give a shit about the girlfriends, unless it's to declare their undying hatred for them.
On an unrelated note, has anybody noticed how much Duhg looks like one of those models from the ads on Match.com? You know when you log out of MySpace or whatever and suddenly this hot guy comes up in a clip that makes him look like he's just sitting around with his Macbook, ready for some poor sap of a girl to come along and fulfill all of his commitment-drenched dreams of making babies and playing with puppies all day long?
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Comments (10)
It's true about the missing 5 episodes thing, you can seriously watch every episode in any random order and still nothing will happen and still no one will like each other.
I'm so over this show, I love the recaps but refuse to waste 30 minutes of my time since Lauren gets paid more for those minutes than I do in an entire year.
1 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 27, 2008 12:51 PM
ALL OF THE ABOVE! ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Heaven help me, but I still love this show. The phoniness and producer-prompted conversations/confrontations just get me every time.
I think it's just because everytime Toothy McDouche's mug appears on screen, I practice my right hook. Stress reliever, if you will.
2 of 10 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on August 27, 2008 11:12 PM
Great recap, especially the screen shots. They had me laughing out loud, and it's 8am.
Two things. First, when you berated Stephanie for not wearing any makeup... did you not notice that her face was about five shades lighter than her neck? I'm glad I read this recap, because I was so distracted by that that I missed the whole altercation of douchebaggery that happened between her and Spencer. Seriously, he has to be the most insecure and selfish human being.
Secondly, my fave moment of the week was definitely Lo at the party, talking to Audrina; that was some clever editing/camera work where they cast her face all in shadow and made her look pure evil. I feel bad, but I'm starting to think the girl is ugly. Did anyone see that post on TMZ comparing Shawn Johnson to that Italian mouse cartoon thing and it got tons of negative responses? Well, I think it would've been a better idea to compare Lo with the rat, because of the small close-set eyes and stick-out ears. Just saying.
3 of 10 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on August 28, 2008 5:30 AM
A comment to the first page: producer Adam Divello asked Stephanie to take summer classes, she gave an interview on some website....not that i google stephanie pratt or anything...sigh, good thing school is starting soon.
4 of 10 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on August 28, 2008 6:57 AM
Am I the only one confused by who exactly is friends with Stephanie? I thought that Brody didn't like Stephanie, yet he shows up to her party. Then the obvious Lo & Audrina who don't trust Stephanie, but will go to her party. And Frankie just goes where Brody goes. I get that it's a show, but I am still confused none the less. Sadly, for a brief moment I had to side with Spencer & Heidi because he is her brother, so why would it be out of the norm for him to come? I shouldn't try and bring logic into the hills. That's not why I watch it.
5 of 10 | Posted by lalia | Posted on August 28, 2008 10:28 AM
ah the hills and all of mtv for that matter is no place for logic. our minds would be blown if we tried to deconstruct the editing that entertains us so. seriously though, cutrone and lauren both need some dick.
6 of 10 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:49 PM
This ep was more boring than last week's ep. I agree with you O, why can't these people get over themselves and be civil for the b-day girl? Young and stupid.
7 of 10 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on August 28, 2008 1:56 PM
I agree with lalia, if ANYONE shouldve been at stephanie's gathering it should've been Lauren, Heidi, and Spencer. Those are the only three that make sense. Everyone else is just a salaried employee showing up for their face time.
8 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 29, 2008 8:46 AM
Just a quick note about the classes. Stephanie's birthday was in April (don't ask how I know that) and since FIDM's calendar is set up the same as my college's (in quarters, not semesters) not only were they still in school, they were probably just beginning the Spring Quarter. She did tell some random website that she was forced to take summer classes like Scorpio23 said, though they would have started in mid-June so I don't why she'd even bring it up.
9 of 10 | Posted by jerseygirl | Posted on August 29, 2008 9:22 PM
I still hate this show and still insist that the recaps are infinitely more entertaining than watching the show.
O.Snapp, I have read B-side's other replacements and I must say you are the absolute BEST. Thanks for recapping so I don't have to watch the show.
Seriously, I haven't watch an episode since the first season and...NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Nothing except Heidi's hair, nose, breasts...
10 of 10 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:41 PM