Meanwhile (or, according to the timeline established earlier in the episode, earlier that week), at dinner with the PR Peeps, Kelly is looking as fresh as ever. I imagine that her closet is the size of my apartment and is filled with variations on the black/shapeless theme. Or maybe she just rolls out of bed every single day and keeps on the same shirt she ripped off a homeless guy's back. Seriously, you'd think someone who's in the image business would take the time to change her shirt before going out for a nice dinner with colleagues.
Paging Stacey and Clinton...
Moving on. Ooooh! YES! LFBC1989 is here!! This dinner must be tough on her. Come on, Pink Flamingo, look alive!
"Chew, but don't swallow."
As Kelly Cuntface offers unwitting Whitney a travel opportunity, Jessica silently stares her down, possibly hoping to burn a hole through Whit's pretty little face.
"FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL."
It occurs to me that maybe Whitney is simply Pink Flamingo's Emily of Teen Vogue New York. Maybe in some parallel universe called New York, there's a reality TV show about Pink Flamingo, and all of these shots are used to show how fucking perfect Whitney is, while little Pinkie is just trying to make it on her own.
Actually I love her as a character, because she's a source of subtle, intense drama without saying one goddamn word in four of the six episodes she's been in. It's all in the face. She's like the Meryl Streep of reality TV.
But just as I type that, she starts talking. Ew, no, no, I don't like it when you're talking. And evidently, neither does K. Cutthroat, who waves her sentences away like a swarm of mosquitoes and repeats, "No. NO. NO! It's my company, and the answer to that is no!" I don't even have a vague idea what the poor girl said that was so wrong, but apparently it was completely off the mark, because then Cutthroat becomes utterly hilarious by declaring the following fate for Pink Flamingo: "YOU: Pretty pretty happy happy pitch stories!" Succinct enough. Who needs syntax, or useful verbs? And I'm sorry, I really am because this Pinkie is probably a very nice girl in real life, but she's too downright gaunt to be pretty (even by L.A. standards), too hungry to be happy, and you won't let her talk so there goes the last requirement. Whitney just covers her mouth like she's afraid to talk. I would be too if I were here.
"Don't say Cuntface, don't say Cuntface..."
Some un-partyish, wahp-wahp music plays as Lau/Lo drive to the club, but who cares when Lo looks like a million bucks?
Maybe she's born with it; Maybe it's Mark, by Lauren Conrad!
The girls bond over their coincidental shared love for birthday parties. Sometimes you just know you'll be friends forever! Lauren hopes Blah will come, and Lo evilly claims that she has "no reason not to." Yeah, only your constant cold stares every time you're forced to share the same air with her. But that shouldn't push anyone away. Lo giggles that they're all getting along, and LC smiles that no, they're actually not, and Lo finishes up with the popular-girl classic, "Well, all the ones who matter are getting along." Jesus Christ, is she cheerleader co-captain and dating the quarterback too? LC has either just run out of battery power or realized that her best friend is a total See-You-Next-Tuesday.
Or maybe this is just saved in her database as Blank Stare 34,0880
NOW the punchy music kicks in. So apropos, as well: "Like a movie star/cruising Sunset Boulevard/I pull up to the club/a scene from film new-oir" go the lyrics. Hmmmm, you guys, I wonder where Boulevard 3 is located? At da club, Steph is already super drunk, super orange-tan, and super, ahem, energetic as she exchanges enthusiastic hugs with her gal pals of late. In rapid succession, Blahdrina, Brody, Frankie and Duhg show up for their respective drinks. Yay, let's all celebrate the existence of Stephanie Pratt. Sake bombs on me! Duhg is introduced to Stephanie, who I think we're supposed to believe looks away shyly, but it seems more like bad camera work and an overdubbed line to me.
LC gets up to hug Brody while Duhg looks on with a possible jealousy alert. However, he's friends with Bro-day so he shouldn't care, right?
Aw, cutie. I can't wait to hate you!!
Lo and Blahdrina sit across from each other and Lo saccharinely tells Blah she looks pretty, following up with a frightening, unsmiling face.
"NOW YOU TELL ME I'M PRETTY TOO."
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Comments (10)
It's true about the missing 5 episodes thing, you can seriously watch every episode in any random order and still nothing will happen and still no one will like each other.
I'm so over this show, I love the recaps but refuse to waste 30 minutes of my time since Lauren gets paid more for those minutes than I do in an entire year.
1 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 27, 2008 12:51 PM
ALL OF THE ABOVE! ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Heaven help me, but I still love this show. The phoniness and producer-prompted conversations/confrontations just get me every time.
I think it's just because everytime Toothy McDouche's mug appears on screen, I practice my right hook. Stress reliever, if you will.
2 of 10 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on August 27, 2008 11:12 PM
Great recap, especially the screen shots. They had me laughing out loud, and it's 8am.
Two things. First, when you berated Stephanie for not wearing any makeup... did you not notice that her face was about five shades lighter than her neck? I'm glad I read this recap, because I was so distracted by that that I missed the whole altercation of douchebaggery that happened between her and Spencer. Seriously, he has to be the most insecure and selfish human being.
Secondly, my fave moment of the week was definitely Lo at the party, talking to Audrina; that was some clever editing/camera work where they cast her face all in shadow and made her look pure evil. I feel bad, but I'm starting to think the girl is ugly. Did anyone see that post on TMZ comparing Shawn Johnson to that Italian mouse cartoon thing and it got tons of negative responses? Well, I think it would've been a better idea to compare Lo with the rat, because of the small close-set eyes and stick-out ears. Just saying.
3 of 10 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on August 28, 2008 5:30 AM
A comment to the first page: producer Adam Divello asked Stephanie to take summer classes, she gave an interview on some website....not that i google stephanie pratt or anything...sigh, good thing school is starting soon.
4 of 10 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on August 28, 2008 6:57 AM
Am I the only one confused by who exactly is friends with Stephanie? I thought that Brody didn't like Stephanie, yet he shows up to her party. Then the obvious Lo & Audrina who don't trust Stephanie, but will go to her party. And Frankie just goes where Brody goes. I get that it's a show, but I am still confused none the less. Sadly, for a brief moment I had to side with Spencer & Heidi because he is her brother, so why would it be out of the norm for him to come? I shouldn't try and bring logic into the hills. That's not why I watch it.
5 of 10 | Posted by lalia | Posted on August 28, 2008 10:28 AM
ah the hills and all of mtv for that matter is no place for logic. our minds would be blown if we tried to deconstruct the editing that entertains us so. seriously though, cutrone and lauren both need some dick.
6 of 10 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:49 PM
This ep was more boring than last week's ep. I agree with you O, why can't these people get over themselves and be civil for the b-day girl? Young and stupid.
7 of 10 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on August 28, 2008 1:56 PM
I agree with lalia, if ANYONE shouldve been at stephanie's gathering it should've been Lauren, Heidi, and Spencer. Those are the only three that make sense. Everyone else is just a salaried employee showing up for their face time.
8 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 29, 2008 8:46 AM
Just a quick note about the classes. Stephanie's birthday was in April (don't ask how I know that) and since FIDM's calendar is set up the same as my college's (in quarters, not semesters) not only were they still in school, they were probably just beginning the Spring Quarter. She did tell some random website that she was forced to take summer classes like Scorpio23 said, though they would have started in mid-June so I don't why she'd even bring it up.
9 of 10 | Posted by jerseygirl | Posted on August 29, 2008 9:22 PM
I still hate this show and still insist that the recaps are infinitely more entertaining than watching the show.
O.Snapp, I have read B-side's other replacements and I must say you are the absolute BEST. Thanks for recapping so I don't have to watch the show.
Seriously, I haven't watch an episode since the first season and...NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Nothing except Heidi's hair, nose, breasts...
10 of 10 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:41 PM