"Umm.... I'm good..." Blah cautiously ventures. "OKAY GOOD!" squeals Lo, and it's all smiles from there, her face returning to its normal semblance of a lipsticked cupcake. Then, in a very odd and unsettling turn, she declares compulsively, "I'm really glad we talked!!" Uh, talked about what? The fact that you detest and wish a slow, excruciating death upon each other? Blahdrina's face reads the same sentiment. She looks to the Blonde Side of the room and, realizing she's outnumbered, retrieves her black leather jacket (cough, cough, SECURITY BLANKET, cough cough) and gets ready to get the hell out of there.
Just the icing on this yummy shrew cake.
Just then, or maybe three hours later, dear brother Spencie and his wench show up bearing a very classy bouquet of mylar balloons he just picked up from CVS. This insane plot twist warrants a nice reaction 4-shot:
I'll break it down for ya:
Lo: "I am shocked. SHOCKED!"
Lauren: "Good. Keep doing those reaction shots and you'll be pulling in your 35K per episode in no time."
Steph: "I'm so glad my brother came! Maybe he brought me some coke!!"
Random Brunette: "LC's boyfriend is really fucking hot."
Now, I'm not sure why Stephanie constantly insists on saying, "YOU'RE LYING!" even when presented with simple physical truths, such as a cake and balloons being handed to her, but she does it anyway. Meanwhile, everyone at the table is uncomfortable. But you know what, America? If I'm supposed to believe this is reality, then I'm on Stephanie's side. It's her goddamn birthday. He's her brother. She can invite whoever she wants. Of course he's an emotional infant but she can't not invite her own flesh and blood because some bitchy friend might feel awkward. And if LC was a real friend (and Spencer was a decent brother), they'd at least be civil to each other for her sake.
But this isn't reality; it's reality TV. And that calls for a good bar brawl. Or at least a good bar passive-aggressive non-confrontation. The ridiculous thing is, it's Broday who ups the drama by peacing out early. Spencer matches his immaturity by commanding his sister to "get those obnoxious chicks away." (Oh, the chicks in question are LC and Lo. Just in case you didn't get it by now. Because Spencer hates them.) In the corner, poor Duhg looks bewildered, and really I just want to cradle him in my bosom and whisper, "There, there, sweetie. You have no fucking idea what kind of a circus you just put yourself into." In other news, Stephanie's looking more and more like Bonnie Tyler every day.
"Turn around, Bright Eyes!"
"So..." Stephanie says after every single other person at her birthday party has left because of Spence'N'Heidi, "... I'm really surprised you guys showed up." Awkward pause. "Looks like we surprised someone else even more!" Spencer laughs maniacally. Then he steals a pot of gold and runs off with a screaming damsel. Granted, the damsel has boobs he paid for and is only faking it, but it still makes for good TV.
Don't worry, you can strike a deal with him by offering him your firstborn son.
The next scene is introduced with the lyrics, "Who needs class when you've got money?" Oh honey, truer words have never been placed in front of the teenage masses. At Stephanie's apartment, Spencer rolls in and makes a joke about his own slovenliness, and as Steph only half-laughs and leads him to her spectacularly bland living room, we immediately realize this is a setup for a "talk." Yes folks, this is an "I wanna forgive/forget you." This is a "YOU KNOW what you did!!" This is a "Jordan, you just don't treat me like a princess. And every girl deserves to be treated like a princess!" (which, by the way, is decidedly NOT true. Which is why "Exiled" is going to be awesome.) Speaking of slovenly, you'd think that Stephanie could have thrown on some lipstick or something. I mean, good God. You're on NATIONAL television, woman!
A startling look into Stephanie's future as a Florida "trophy" wife.
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Comments (10)
It's true about the missing 5 episodes thing, you can seriously watch every episode in any random order and still nothing will happen and still no one will like each other.
I'm so over this show, I love the recaps but refuse to waste 30 minutes of my time since Lauren gets paid more for those minutes than I do in an entire year.
1 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 27, 2008 12:51 PM
ALL OF THE ABOVE! ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Heaven help me, but I still love this show. The phoniness and producer-prompted conversations/confrontations just get me every time.
I think it's just because everytime Toothy McDouche's mug appears on screen, I practice my right hook. Stress reliever, if you will.
2 of 10 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on August 27, 2008 11:12 PM
Great recap, especially the screen shots. They had me laughing out loud, and it's 8am.
Two things. First, when you berated Stephanie for not wearing any makeup... did you not notice that her face was about five shades lighter than her neck? I'm glad I read this recap, because I was so distracted by that that I missed the whole altercation of douchebaggery that happened between her and Spencer. Seriously, he has to be the most insecure and selfish human being.
Secondly, my fave moment of the week was definitely Lo at the party, talking to Audrina; that was some clever editing/camera work where they cast her face all in shadow and made her look pure evil. I feel bad, but I'm starting to think the girl is ugly. Did anyone see that post on TMZ comparing Shawn Johnson to that Italian mouse cartoon thing and it got tons of negative responses? Well, I think it would've been a better idea to compare Lo with the rat, because of the small close-set eyes and stick-out ears. Just saying.
3 of 10 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on August 28, 2008 5:30 AM
A comment to the first page: producer Adam Divello asked Stephanie to take summer classes, she gave an interview on some website....not that i google stephanie pratt or anything...sigh, good thing school is starting soon.
4 of 10 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on August 28, 2008 6:57 AM
Am I the only one confused by who exactly is friends with Stephanie? I thought that Brody didn't like Stephanie, yet he shows up to her party. Then the obvious Lo & Audrina who don't trust Stephanie, but will go to her party. And Frankie just goes where Brody goes. I get that it's a show, but I am still confused none the less. Sadly, for a brief moment I had to side with Spencer & Heidi because he is her brother, so why would it be out of the norm for him to come? I shouldn't try and bring logic into the hills. That's not why I watch it.
5 of 10 | Posted by lalia | Posted on August 28, 2008 10:28 AM
ah the hills and all of mtv for that matter is no place for logic. our minds would be blown if we tried to deconstruct the editing that entertains us so. seriously though, cutrone and lauren both need some dick.
6 of 10 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:49 PM
This ep was more boring than last week's ep. I agree with you O, why can't these people get over themselves and be civil for the b-day girl? Young and stupid.
7 of 10 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on August 28, 2008 1:56 PM
I agree with lalia, if ANYONE shouldve been at stephanie's gathering it should've been Lauren, Heidi, and Spencer. Those are the only three that make sense. Everyone else is just a salaried employee showing up for their face time.
8 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 29, 2008 8:46 AM
Just a quick note about the classes. Stephanie's birthday was in April (don't ask how I know that) and since FIDM's calendar is set up the same as my college's (in quarters, not semesters) not only were they still in school, they were probably just beginning the Spring Quarter. She did tell some random website that she was forced to take summer classes like Scorpio23 said, though they would have started in mid-June so I don't why she'd even bring it up.
9 of 10 | Posted by jerseygirl | Posted on August 29, 2008 9:22 PM
I still hate this show and still insist that the recaps are infinitely more entertaining than watching the show.
O.Snapp, I have read B-side's other replacements and I must say you are the absolute BEST. Thanks for recapping so I don't have to watch the show.
Seriously, I haven't watch an episode since the first season and...NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Nothing except Heidi's hair, nose, breasts...
10 of 10 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:41 PM