Okay. So. In the process of explaining his unwavering disappointment in his sister, Spencer uses some examples of nautical physics as well as Israeli political metaphors, all of which boil down to the simple "rule" that a person can only be friends (and/or family) with one person at a time. Boom. I just saved you fifteen minutes of your life you would never be able to get back. Too bad you just wasted it reading the above four or five pages.
Anyway, there's no overlapping allowed! It makes sense, really. If it weren't true, Heidi would have more than one number in her precious iPhone. In the end, Spencer complains that he can't "make you un-my sister." Wait what? He disowns his sister and I laugh a little inside, wondering how he's going to explain this to the Elder Pratts.
"See this? This is two more friends than you're allowed to have!"
Back at PR, Kelly is berating someone by seething, "If you're such a 'good assistant,'..." at which point I would probably just go ahead and be a good assistant to someone else. Okay Gasmii, I present this pop quiz to you. Which of the following does Kelly Cutrone desperately need?
a. A nice, long shower.
b. A nice, long cock (or pussy, whichever she prefers! I don't judge. At least not in this case).
c. About 30 hours of sleep.
d. A goddamn cocktail.
E. All of the above
Now come on. Imagine how good she'd be to her employees if she even got ONE of those things. Unfortunately, none of it's on the menu for a high-powered female executive, so she just fired Jessica.
"Uh-oh... O. Snapp's gonna be PISSED."
Ergo, Whitney now is offered the coveted bicoastal slave life and the end of eating as she knows it. Kelly Cuntface's only caveat is that Whit needs to work on her ability to delegate. Really, Blondie has a hard time being bossy? I find that hard to believe. Her Cuntiness also slips in a little advice to not make any plans "for the next coupla months."
"I now own your soul.... AND IT IS DE-LI-CIOUS!!!! Mwah ha ha ha..."
Sigh, are we there yet? Almost. Hang on with me, peeps. At Fit'Em, LC is preparing her Powerpoint presentation on this month's "Lucky" magazine when StephPratt breezes in donning sunglasses fit for a super-naco '80s cokehead queen. Hey, if the sunglasses fit, you gotta wear 'em.
"And they were the last pair at Sunglass Hut!"
She bows down to the altar of LC, apologizing for her brother's appearance at HER OWN birthday and promises that this was the last time! She swears! She doesn't even care about them anymore! It's like LC's her wife or something. And she's been cheating with her brother. Wait, ugh.
In any case, LC is NOT amused. She's got a little bit of the Cutthroat in her, I see.
Steph begs for forgiveness and, just to turn the screws a bit, LC takes her down a peg by reminding her that all of her friends hate her. Way to go, LC. That's the manipulation I've grown to love about... absolutely no one on your show.
So that's it for this week. At least I got one laugh out loud from Kelly's "Pretty pretty happy happy" line. What was your fave moment this week, if any? I'm getting sick of all these pathetic characters. Give me a show filled with the Emilys and the Pink Flamingoes of the world! See you on the boards, suckas!
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Comments (10)
It's true about the missing 5 episodes thing, you can seriously watch every episode in any random order and still nothing will happen and still no one will like each other.
I'm so over this show, I love the recaps but refuse to waste 30 minutes of my time since Lauren gets paid more for those minutes than I do in an entire year.
1 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 27, 2008 12:51 PM
ALL OF THE ABOVE! ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Heaven help me, but I still love this show. The phoniness and producer-prompted conversations/confrontations just get me every time.
I think it's just because everytime Toothy McDouche's mug appears on screen, I practice my right hook. Stress reliever, if you will.
2 of 10 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on August 27, 2008 11:12 PM
Great recap, especially the screen shots. They had me laughing out loud, and it's 8am.
Two things. First, when you berated Stephanie for not wearing any makeup... did you not notice that her face was about five shades lighter than her neck? I'm glad I read this recap, because I was so distracted by that that I missed the whole altercation of douchebaggery that happened between her and Spencer. Seriously, he has to be the most insecure and selfish human being.
Secondly, my fave moment of the week was definitely Lo at the party, talking to Audrina; that was some clever editing/camera work where they cast her face all in shadow and made her look pure evil. I feel bad, but I'm starting to think the girl is ugly. Did anyone see that post on TMZ comparing Shawn Johnson to that Italian mouse cartoon thing and it got tons of negative responses? Well, I think it would've been a better idea to compare Lo with the rat, because of the small close-set eyes and stick-out ears. Just saying.
3 of 10 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on August 28, 2008 5:30 AM
A comment to the first page: producer Adam Divello asked Stephanie to take summer classes, she gave an interview on some website....not that i google stephanie pratt or anything...sigh, good thing school is starting soon.
4 of 10 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on August 28, 2008 6:57 AM
Am I the only one confused by who exactly is friends with Stephanie? I thought that Brody didn't like Stephanie, yet he shows up to her party. Then the obvious Lo & Audrina who don't trust Stephanie, but will go to her party. And Frankie just goes where Brody goes. I get that it's a show, but I am still confused none the less. Sadly, for a brief moment I had to side with Spencer & Heidi because he is her brother, so why would it be out of the norm for him to come? I shouldn't try and bring logic into the hills. That's not why I watch it.
5 of 10 | Posted by lalia | Posted on August 28, 2008 10:28 AM
ah the hills and all of mtv for that matter is no place for logic. our minds would be blown if we tried to deconstruct the editing that entertains us so. seriously though, cutrone and lauren both need some dick.
6 of 10 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:49 PM
This ep was more boring than last week's ep. I agree with you O, why can't these people get over themselves and be civil for the b-day girl? Young and stupid.
7 of 10 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on August 28, 2008 1:56 PM
I agree with lalia, if ANYONE shouldve been at stephanie's gathering it should've been Lauren, Heidi, and Spencer. Those are the only three that make sense. Everyone else is just a salaried employee showing up for their face time.
8 of 10 | Posted by cherin246 | Posted on August 29, 2008 8:46 AM
Just a quick note about the classes. Stephanie's birthday was in April (don't ask how I know that) and since FIDM's calendar is set up the same as my college's (in quarters, not semesters) not only were they still in school, they were probably just beginning the Spring Quarter. She did tell some random website that she was forced to take summer classes like Scorpio23 said, though they would have started in mid-June so I don't why she'd even bring it up.
9 of 10 | Posted by jerseygirl | Posted on August 29, 2008 9:22 PM
I still hate this show and still insist that the recaps are infinitely more entertaining than watching the show.
O.Snapp, I have read B-side's other replacements and I must say you are the absolute BEST. Thanks for recapping so I don't have to watch the show.
Seriously, I haven't watch an episode since the first season and...NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Nothing except Heidi's hair, nose, breasts...
10 of 10 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:41 PM