Howdy Ho my little 'Gasmic lovebirds! This week was the second-to-last episode of the season (and second-to-last for the remaining sane character on the show, LC) and it was filled with petty tiffs between frenemies and a 30-minute will she?/won't she? concerned-look fiesta by Lauren over whether she'll attend the wedding of the century. It's okay, babies. IT'S ALMOST OVER. Welcome to "The Hills!"
Heidi and Stephanie lunch at a little café where Heidi fills Steph in on all the deets about her re-engagement. Stephanie flips her shit over this momentous news. "What?! What?! You guys are gonna do it??" she cries in disbelief. Haven't they already gotten engaged (and married) like three times? What is the big f-in' deal here? Heidi transitions into hyper-girly mode and begins babbling about the big, traditional attentionfest she wants, complete with palms-spread-flat gesturing on the table and a self-satisfied princess smile. "Could you do me a favor and invite Lauren for me?" she asks Stephanie with a solemn bridal gaze. Whatever happened to those things, you know, that people used to send out, before Facebook Evites? I think they were made of dead trees and pretty, embossed ink? No, Heidi is so traditional that she is sending a messenger to formally request the honor of Lauren's presence. That's how her great-great-great-great-great-etc. grandmother in the medieval times (with REAL princesses!) would have done it. Send them across the moat to fetch some peasant witnesses.
Steph whines that she can't possibly do it because LC just fired her for being a completely untrustworthy moron. "You're the only one who can do it," Heidi replies, confirming that the messenger reflects the sender. Steph tries to have a nonverbal whine-off to get out of her duties, but obviously Heidi wins because, come on. She practices her nonverbal whine contests with Spencer all the time.
Blahdrina and Lo shop for unsightly, loose-fitting '80s clothes that do nothing but hide their well-toned, hard-earned bodies while debating whether LC will make an appearance at The Wedding. They both got invitations. Invitations - that's the word! They move on to discussing the upcoming Nylon party, which, according to Blahdrina, will be good. I'm guessing this means they'll have Jell-O shots, a hot tub and dirty frat guys who wear protective head gear decorated with glitter. Indeed, Lo lists the people Frankie has confirmed in attendance, and as she mentions Broday, her voice drops and her eyes shoot the elegant Lo glare of judgment.
Blahdrina is concerned, because what if Jayde is there too? Like a Playboy Bunny is going to miss a Hollywood fashion party. Or a party with the possibility of Jager. Lo calmly advises her to simply address her greeting to the entire group and move on from there. It's good to know there's a Miss Manners dwelling somewhere in the crevices of Los Angeles. However, Blahdrina mutters, "We'll see what happens," to which Lo lasers her a stare of "NO. You'll do as I say."
LC and Stephanie meet up for lunch, now that Steph is free to begin her decade-long launch of her handbag line. "Too HOT to SIT outSIIIIIDE," Stephanie sings as they sit down. I wonder if this is an acting exercise where you have to sing all of your lines. "I know," LC agrees, "this morning it was so nice out, I was like, I should put my convertible top down but then I was like, It might be TOO hot, but then I get a weird tan, like a seatbelt tan." I think I just lost fourteen IQ points. Oh, the problems of the rich and their complicated tan quandaries. "Oh, do you wear your seatbelt like this?" asks Stephanie, gesturing the method of seatbelt wear employed by every driver and passenger with three brain cells. LC says yes, and asks how she wears hers. "I wear mine like this," Steph replies, gesturing with her right arm up and her left arm... sort of waving around below it like she's pantomiming deodorant application.
LC asks her what she's going to do for work now that she's been fired and publicly humiliated on national television, and after a few moments gazing (un)thoughtfully into the distance, Stephanie concludes that after being so BRUTALLY fired by her good friend (but no blame!) she's just gonna concentrate on school. Fake school. So, hanging around Fit'Em when there are cameras around and meandering the aisles of fabric stores.
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Comments (4)
Nice as always, Osnapp. It's odd they've only had 10 episodes this season when Season 4 had 20 episodes and season 3-28.
I will miss your recaps after this season is over.
1 of 4 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 27, 2009 1:23 PM
I figured it out, OSnapp! The reason Lo, Steph, Lau, and Blah are all hanging out: RAISE IN PAY.
I can't believe this show is so boring being that it's scripted. I mean, we all know its fake.
They need new writers. Everyone knows LC is dating some dude that's on some other show but since The Hills is all made up of IMAGINATION...at least let her date and have some Sex and the City-type dates. Awesome.
Then someone contracts the Swine Flu but then they recover only to find out there was a mistake at the hospital...then at the end it was all Pam Ewing's dream.
2 of 4 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on May 27, 2009 6:20 PM
Great recap as usual.
I don't know how you do it. I have trouble watching this show because of the long pauses and all that staring. It's like they all have only so much energy and they "power down" after every sentence. It's weird.
I wonder if they are all drugged? At least that would explain their behavior and some of their clothing choices.
I realize that we all know that LC is going to Speidi's wedding, but was fun to watch Spencer apologize. That's been a long time coming and I'm sure LC still hates him, but thanks to contractual obligations, she'll be there to wish Speidi a happy wedding day.
I wonder if they'll show both receptions. The real one where they actually had a nice sit down dinner, or if they will just show the one where Heidi is wearing her Mrs. Pratt track suit and they have cake and champagne.
3 of 4 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on May 28, 2009 5:29 AM
It's amazing. You take a boring show where almost nothing clever or interesting ever happens but somehow you manage to be clever and interesting.
I really hope the Cavaleri hootchie turns this show around. It's become as fun as watching slugs cross the sidewalk.
4 of 4 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on June 1, 2009 11:28 AM