She drives her nag screws into his brain until he starts complaining that his head is actually pulsating with frustration, making short buzzy noises like that time Kristen Bell was broken on "Heroes." She pounds her nag nails into him, beating him down with her aluminum nag bat and says that if he's really changed, he'll do this. Breath. Reply? "NO," Spencer commands with a firm head cock, like Heidi is his disobedient daughter. Or dog.
At the Blahteau, new BFF Stephanie has come over to dish the dirt about the previous evening's anti-throwdown. "Last night!" she begins, and shakes her hair all about to show indignance. "Oh my GOD!" Blahdrina agrees with the hair tousle, complaining that everyone is "talking crap on" her. Ah, Blahdrina eloquence, 'tis a thing to behold. PS - I think with Lauren leaving the show, Blahdrina is trying to become the new star... beginning with a non-so-subtle transition to blondeness.
Steph guides the conversation toward herself (as a true Hillsian is wont to do) by yapping about her complete and utter disbelief that that party was a Cutrone party. "I just think, like, I wanna be a wedding planner, or a party planner," she muses, which Blahdrina totally supports, because she's a total fucking idiot. I wouldn't let that woman near any event in my life. Not even my annual Ceremonial Taking Of The Shit. But the complete randomness of this comment leads me to declare my prediction that next season she will be working at Bolthouse with Heidi, because Kimmy is too bored to keep being on this show and it's all about nepotism in this wacky town.
Steph asks Blahdrina to talk to LC about coming to the wedding, but Blahdrina maintains that it won't help. "That sucks," Steph sighs. They then exchange a series of Debbie Downer expressions. Either that or they're just doing facial exercises to keep their skin pliant in preparation for their 23rd birthday Botox injections.
Heidi and her enormous plastic boobs bob into People's Revolution to visit Lauren. After lukewarm hugs, she immediately takes a seat where Stephanie used to sit. You are NOT an employee here, Heidi, and if Cutthroat finds you in that chair she will KILL YOU WITH HER EYES. Just a warning. She hands LC an invitation to her wedding and they both sit there uncomfortably until LC breaks into her patented "I hate you, and yet, I know I'm better than you" pity smile.
She says she doesn't get why Heidi wants her there... dot dot dot... implying she's not coming. Heidi makes LC admit she thinks she's making a big mistake. "Spencer did a bad thing, and Spencer's made up for it," Heidi replies. Is she aware that the whole Stacie fiasco is only Part 12 of the story of our Collective Hatred for Spencer? LC begins telling her about when she was with Jason and she wished they could live on an island, blah blah blah Heidi's heard it all before.
LC calmly, almost detachedly tells her it's sad to watch Heidi's relationship with all of her loved ones go away, and that she used to be such a fun, amazing person whom she almost looked up to. Almost. Heidi nods, totally agreeing that she's fun and amazing. "But now that's going away," she says, "But I still see it sometimes, and I hope you never lose that part of you." I kind of feel like she's channeling Tyra Banks telling a feisty plus-size girl during Episode 10 that her spark is fading. Heidi gets all weepy.
Lauren lets her, then looks at the ground. Then looks up, all "Are we done here? I'm still not coming." Heidi says she'll let her get back to work. In conclusion, still nothing was resolved in this scene.
She exits and LC just sits around staring into space, as though she's... waiting for a phone call or something. Just then, Spencie rings her up and in the first breath commands her not to hang up. Way to win her over. LC looks terrified.
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Comments (4)
Nice as always, Osnapp. It's odd they've only had 10 episodes this season when Season 4 had 20 episodes and season 3-28.
I will miss your recaps after this season is over.
1 of 4 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 27, 2009 1:23 PM
I figured it out, OSnapp! The reason Lo, Steph, Lau, and Blah are all hanging out: RAISE IN PAY.
I can't believe this show is so boring being that it's scripted. I mean, we all know its fake.
They need new writers. Everyone knows LC is dating some dude that's on some other show but since The Hills is all made up of IMAGINATION...at least let her date and have some Sex and the City-type dates. Awesome.
Then someone contracts the Swine Flu but then they recover only to find out there was a mistake at the hospital...then at the end it was all Pam Ewing's dream.
2 of 4 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on May 27, 2009 6:20 PM
Great recap as usual.
I don't know how you do it. I have trouble watching this show because of the long pauses and all that staring. It's like they all have only so much energy and they "power down" after every sentence. It's weird.
I wonder if they are all drugged? At least that would explain their behavior and some of their clothing choices.
I realize that we all know that LC is going to Speidi's wedding, but was fun to watch Spencer apologize. That's been a long time coming and I'm sure LC still hates him, but thanks to contractual obligations, she'll be there to wish Speidi a happy wedding day.
I wonder if they'll show both receptions. The real one where they actually had a nice sit down dinner, or if they will just show the one where Heidi is wearing her Mrs. Pratt track suit and they have cake and champagne.
3 of 4 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on May 28, 2009 5:29 AM
It's amazing. You take a boring show where almost nothing clever or interesting ever happens but somehow you manage to be clever and interesting.
I really hope the Cavaleri hootchie turns this show around. It's become as fun as watching slugs cross the sidewalk.
4 of 4 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on June 1, 2009 11:28 AM