Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance
This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie "Bulimia" Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the troll has a birthday...38? Just a guess. See it all here on THE HILLS!
Hey Bitches! Monamonzano here to bring you some freshly juiced hills remix (now in power form. Or was it always?). I know you Hills viewers are crazy into this show, and SO I WILL BE, TOO. BWAHHHHH! But seriously, my niacin flush is killing me. 5 Hour energy, you will pay for my spastic recap and propensity for urinary tract infections.
Anyhoo...we begin with a "previously on, the hills..." Man, Kristin sounds just as bored and lifeless as L.C.'s dumb voiceovers. God, it's like I'm listening to cardboard.
...and looking at Satan.
For real, though- Kristin's always been that bitch who will do whatever for the air time and hair straightening product. It's like, let's replace a lukewarm good girl with that bitch from Dynasty, only with a tan.
Nice pant suit
Ugh, Kristin.
hiss!
If I put out my hand as a gesture of peace, I would pull back a bloody stump with traces of tooth whitener and semen.
At the henhouse, blahdrina McDead Eyes, Troll and Bulimia all chit chat about the past. Apparently, Heidi and Spencer are throwing themselves a party, probably for being good republican Christians and congratulating themselves for going through their 100th gallon of hair bleach. Yay Aryan nation!
Blahdrina wants to know why Kristian was such a man-eater, and Troll tells Blahdrina all about how you know, in high school she dated some dudes that other people dated. Man, can I just say how Troll's pointy little teeth scare me? Her wee, beady eyes are piercing. I thought no ugly people were allowed on this show?
hiss!
Ugh, but don't get me started with bulimia, who looks like every pop star's fat, semi-retarded older sister.
No, dummies. Two plus Two does equal seventeen. It's science!
Troll goes on to say that Kristin isn't afraid to get into anyone's face and stand up for herself. Yeah, I know, strong women are scary and mean and should be shunned. Also, wow, does everyone really give a shit? I guess that's the stuff that the Hills and dreams are made of.
Also, Blahdrina is looking more and more ridiculous with her frosted new do. Everyone is getting whiter and whiter and fading into the background of the hot LA sun. Yeah, I'm a fucking modern poet. Thanks, extra six Amstel lights!
I hope to bleach my entire body by 2012.
And the INTRO! Now with new and improved emphasis on Kristin, Bladrina and The living blow up doll that his Heidi Montag.
The show continues with Spencer and LBUD (Heidi) talking about having their fucking party and how Spencer bought Tequila, probably to get lots of girls drunk so that he can make his sex offender charges even longer than they are. LBUD giggles coyly and articulately talks about adulthood, e.g. no tequila. Spencer rebuffs with the fact that the tequila is expensive.
Then, they talk about Uganda for a while.
Let's just say Spence and LBUD are super fucking happy everyone can come to their party and there'll be no drama. LBUD is a little concerned that one of her implants might leak if she has too much fun, but is glad for the gathering.
Can you turn my head so it faces back toward the dashboard?
LBUD says that Kristin is like, totally single and Spence is concerned that Kristin is the real deal female player. Yeah, just like you were in the day, big man? Why don't you put on that ridiculous cowboy hat for me, tool?
Brokeback Aryan
In Brody Jennerland, Fetal Alcohol Jayde is deciding whether to wear underwear or not to wear underwear.
That IS the question.
She's not really interested in going to the party and meeting Kirstin, Brody's ex. Ugh, isn't everybody Brody's ex? And Fetal Alcohol Jayde, weren't you in playboy? Wow, apparently, the stereotype isn't true...playboy bunnies can also be ridiculously protective, insecure, ass-puckered bitches.
Everything I've ever believed...is wrong.
At the party, everyone is being ridiculous on a rooftop.
Enter the douches, two
It's ALWAYS classy to enter a post-wedding party with your bride and two bottles of tequila over your head. Man, Spencer should get a Nobel Prize in awesome.
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Comments (9)
Nice recap, but be nicer to Lo. She's evil and funny and way smarter and more grounded than any of the other idiots on this show. I'm frankly surprised she re-upped.
If Kristin is going to go off the handle every time someone confronts her, this is just going to be a scripted version of "The Real World: Hades." Someone please explain that joke to Audrina. It might require puppets to get the point across.
1 of 9 | Posted by echo27 | Posted on October 1, 2009 6:17 PM
Oh, whatever, Lo sucks. She's worse than Heidi and Spencer - at least those two KNOW they're despised and roll with it. Lo is a heinous beyotch who thinks she's above and better than everyone when really she's just a spoiled, rude idiot. And what the hell does she do, anyway? Is she a trust fund kid?
2 of 9 | Posted by Hypnotoad | Posted on October 1, 2009 7:12 PM
I agree with echo. Actually, Lo finished, let alone went to, college, which is more than we can say for 99% of her castmates. So, if nothing else, at least respect her for that. I really don't think she's an idiot, and she's definitely not ugly. I don't understand where that's coming from. Frankie Delgado....absolutely. And a class-A tool. But Lo? Hardly.
Also, who else loved (heavy on the sarcasm) the appearance of Stacie the Bartender? Did anyone else catch her snidely remarking that Audrina is a "stage-five clinger"? First of all, that phrase is stupidly trendy, completey overused and annoying (right up there with "bromance"). Second of all, I hate her for making me stick up for Audrina.....but really? Have they even met? And isn't that calling the kettle black, as she stage-five clings to the cameras in the desperate hope she might get five minutes of fame?
3 of 9 | Posted by tenthirteen | Posted on October 1, 2009 7:44 PM
I think Stacie the bartending is/was dating Frankie that's why she was at the party.
4 of 9 | Posted by Krissy | Posted on October 2, 2009 3:51 AM
I have lurked at the Gasm for years, but finally decided to post. I found the comments about Stephanie pretty harsh. I'm not a fan nor a non-fan of hers, but didn't she come out and admit she had Bulimia? To nickname someone Bulimia, say she needed diet pills, and call her fat (looks like every pop star's fat...sister), is a pretty low blow to anyone, let alone someone with an eating disorder. I'm pretty disgusted. Wow...I can't believe you made me stoop to defending anyone from the Hills!
5 of 9 | Posted by Channel Queen | Posted on October 2, 2009 7:53 AM
God these people suck! I loved the recap. Keep the mean comments coming!
6 of 9 | Posted by plockeness monster | Posted on October 2, 2009 7:59 AM
Blah! I should have asked to recap this show. I had some real good stuff for this episode.
7 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on October 2, 2009 7:59 PM
Good job on the recap. I don't mind the mean stuff, especially because they would do the same to you, we know that because they do it to each other.
It seems to me, the real question here is why do we keep watching this crap? Seriously do we expect Heidi to wake up and realize Spence is not good for her. If dating your man means he is always in charge, he always picks everything, it begs the question.
Did Spencer pick out the implants?
and did he suggest changing her nose?
I thought she was pretty when she started on the Hills, now she just looks as fake as her boobs.
8 of 9 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on October 3, 2009 1:56 AM
Google kissmymanolos and you'll find kissmymanolos@blogspot. I recap the Hills as well.
9 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on October 4, 2009 2:03 PM