This Week: Zombie impressions, alcoholism and a lack of anti-frizz serum
A personal triumph for me: I only puked a little today when writing this recap! I think I'm getting desensitized. Anyhoo, Kristin goes home to Laguna to make out with her Dad, while HBUD and Spence have growing concern with Holly being fucking cool as hell, aka drinking a lot during important social events. Then, they stage an intervention/mockery. And...Justin Bobby comes face to face with his Dead-eyed old flame, and they talk about bullshit. It's all here, on The Hills!
Hey Hillbillies:
Previously on the hills, everyone's living a lie. Why? Holly's getting hammered (if I was her, my alcohol content would be pretty high, too. Hellloooo DUI!) and Audrina dates Justin Bobby's less douchey friend in a transparent effort to give the bitch a plot line.
Kristin, can you conceivably be bitchier than Justin Bobby? Is that a challenge or a promise?
Bitch, TRY ME.
At Breadbar, Kristin meets with Troll to discuss going home to Laguna beach. Yeah, the restaurant's called breadbar. Yes, I'm sure neither of them will be ordering carbs. In fact, I doubt that they're even at the restaurant. I bet the producer just likes compound words.
Anyhoo, SURPRISE SURPRISE, Troll ALWAYS goes home to Laguna Beach to see her Mommy and Daddy. She was also probably a late-bedwetter and didn't get boobies until she was 18. Wait, she still doesn't have boobies. Sorry, Lo. Maybe that some well-placed hair straightener and some bangles will make you look less like a drawbridge-dweller and more like a stay-at-home mom.
My Sources say YES.
Of course, because these two have nothing intelligent to talk about, they discuss how Justin Bobby was a no-show and how Brody and his fetal alcohol syndrome-y girlfriend are a match made in heaven. And by a match made in heaven, I mean they fight all the fucking time. Yeah, eat your heart out, HBUD. If you got a word in edgewise, you'd get HIT.
But we can't let Justin Bobby go just yet- Troll, work some yenta "I told you so's" in there, will ya? Thanks.
Oy! Eat something, Dahlin.' You're wasting away!
Ugh, Kristin needs to SHUT UP. Obviously she's into Justin Bobby. Man, that boy must smell like pina colada and like, cash money for Kristin to be so into him, jesus christ. I mean, Blah dead balks at car keys, so I get why she liked him and his big shiny, ridiculous bike, but Kristin seems bitch enough to hit the road. Not the high road, the slutty road. But I digress...
No I don't. Time for "Unwritten." Puke.
After the ridiculously indulgent intro sequence, we see Blah dead in her posh kitchen meeting up with the deliriously stupid bulimia. Bulimia's going to a Bullet House event with HBUD, but more importantly, Bulimia wants to know about Blah Dead's date with her ex's best friend. Classy, Blah Dead. But who isn't classy on the hills? Man, it's like pinky fingers and caviar aplenty.
Don't forget my snaggle teeth.
Like, Blah Dead goes into, like how like, Derrick is like, the opposite of Justin Bobby and like, how she was like, with Justin Bobby she was like, insecure. Man, fecal choloform of the mouth, am I right? It's polluting my television's fine, fine programming!
OF COURSE, after Blah Dead's big old speech, we learn Justin Bobby is texing her "is it really over?" Christ. I hope none of these people ever, ever, ever reproduce.
Especially the ones that rhyme with Pefanie Bratt
Over in Laguna Beach, Kristin is back to see who made her. Or at least one half of her DNA, her pop. Dennis, Kristin's Dad, is already preparing for the arrival of his vapid offspring.
And this is my fifth bottle. (hiccup)
Ew, Dennis calls his daughter "babe." Gross. And he has a wine and cheese plate for his daughter, and is alone in the house (wife's teaching Yoga. Riiight). Gross. I bet Kristin and her dad kiss on the lips at social events.
The two make out...ahem, I mean, talk...at the kitchen counter. For the first time this season, Stephen and Lauren are mentioned. What? I thought they were dead.
Then, Kristin talks about how she's been hanging out with Troll and Kristin's stepmom comes home! What? She looks just like Kristin, only older and with more surgical work done to her face? Surprise surprise. In actuality, everyone on this show looks the same, and all the old people on the show look like the young people, with the shit kicked out of them.
Stupidity across generations
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Comments (6)
Mona, you totally had me at "Hills cast, NEVER reproduce."
1 of 6 | Posted by Lissadoll4eva | Posted on October 24, 2009 12:45 PM
I dont get why JB and Blah have to mention each other while on dates. And why was Speidi at something that Bolthouse was having?? And why was Holly there? that creepy guy Charlie gives me the creeps, he reminds of someone and I just can not place who it is!!
2 of 6 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on October 24, 2009 8:56 PM
As far as I know, Heidi still works for Bolthouse. She got fired, but she got her job back. I don't know why Holly was there. They mentioned Networking, so I guess she needs a job? The whole show has gone down the drain for me. I really could care less about anyone on this show and that's including Kristin. I had had high hopes, but since she's stuck on stupid behind Justin like Audrina was, I just don't care. Justin is a douche.
Mona, GREAT JOB on the recap. I also wondered if JB had broken into Kristin's place. Isn't it way too early in their non-relationship for him to have a key? She seemed surprised to see him there, but didn't question how he got in etc. And how stupid for him to say he was out of town. He couldn't tell her in advance that he wasn't going to be able to make the party? He's still a jerk. She shouldn't give him any more chances at all. And Audrina is dumb, but we all knew that. I don't care if JB can still manipulate what's left of her mind. They're both sad.
OH and it was very creepy watching Kristin interact with her dad. Ugh. When he hugged her hello while rubbing her back was especially creepy...gross.
3 of 6 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on October 24, 2009 10:51 PM
I miss O.Snapp
4 of 6 | Posted by kripydixie | Posted on October 26, 2009 2:47 AM
I think Brody bought that dog for Kristin but she didn't want it so he kept it when they broke up. they kind of talked about it, i think she said, i didn't want him...
When Kristin's dad asked about Stephen and Lauren, I felt like it was awkward because Kristin probably stopped talking to either of them a long time ago, but her dad probably thinks she joined the hills because she's such good friends with Lauren. like it was kind of a sad "dad" question, because during filming he was probably clueless about how there would be commercials saying THE BITCH IS BACK with Kristin all over it...and everyone hating her
5 of 6 | Posted by winks523 | Posted on October 26, 2009 7:48 AM
Am I the one who gets horribly uncomfortable when Holly is on the screen? I did before her embarrassing dancing, now it's almost unwatchable because it's so cringe-worthy. It's funny watching Stephanie pull her "Intervention" nonsense when we know she just got a DUI.
6 of 6 | Posted by sardini | Posted on October 28, 2009 6:06 AM