"If I tell you, do you promise not to tell?"
Welcome, fellow haters! This week's zany, WTF-filled episode posed an existential query to us all: Can "The Hills" exist without Lauren Conrad? (That's like asking if the earth could survive without a vaguely boring, overly blow-dried sun to rotate around.) It also taught us a few lessons: 1) Lo, while still totally bitchy, is the only actually adorable and still reactionary person bobbling along in this haze of spray-on tans, 2) LC really IS the mother figure to all of these immature brats, because apparently none of them can be left alone, and 3) Blahdrina would make the worst KGB agent of all time.
The intro recap reveals all that's about to happen tonight: judging by the return of the "Doug" storyline (who wasn't even mentioned last week) and the dooming "don't trust Stephanie" advice, anybody with even a Heidi-sized brain could predict what's about to happen.
We open with LC preparing to jet off to Italy for a wee vacay, and evidently someone with more life experience (is that even possible?) has advised her not to even bring heels. Sure, just bring your Tevas and blend in with all of the other Americans. Actually, it's pretty good advice considering all of the walking she'll be doing on cobblestone streets... so why does it sound so moronic when Blahdrina's reiterating? Anyway, while LC finishes packing, Lo and Blahdrina defeatedly agree that they'll be bonding while she's away, with foreboding innuendos. Hey, perhaps they'll realize all that they have in common as LC's satellites and form a union against her! Surely that'd guarantee SOMEONE a spinoff.
As LC pretends to drive off into the sunset, the girls look after her car like two daughters left alone for the first time, fear and excitement in their eyes. I half expect them to run into the casa together and reenact that scene in "Home Alone" where Kevin runs around the house, jumps on the bed and eats mounds of ice cream while watching rated-R movies. Ah, youth.
Or perhaps a competition reality show. "Survivor: Hollywood"
Later, Stephanie and her hideous grow-out bangs decide to drop by unannounced (how uncouth!) and, after some odd technical difficulties with the intercom (is it really so hard to walk ten feet outside and greet someone? Honestly.), she gets into the LauLoBlahteau, narrowly escaping a career-boosting crotch shot.
Three centimeters away from Lindsay Lohan-level fame.
As she waits in the kitchen (guess the cams weren't set up for a foyer welcome shot), Blahdrina makes a face that says, "Ever heard of the telephone? Or email? Or messenger doves?" Their greeting is full of the generic female pleasantries that have been employed since the beginning of time: complimenting each other's outfits, bragging about cooking, and staring agog at each other's tans. Wait, what? Yeah, Steph actually remarks upon Blah's same-shade-as-her-Nice-N-Easy-Chestnut-Hair skin. Is this the first time they've ever met? Also, isn't that the pot calling the kettle tan? Blahdrina basks in the praise, her eyes bulging with pride as she recounts her tale of a weekend spent laying out.
"I make global warming work for me!"
Blahdrina complains about how totally disconnected from the outside world her boss (I mean, friend and roommate) LC is in that foreign country thingy. Before long, she starts to realize how little chitchat she's been programmed with and asks Stephanie why the hell she's there. Stephanie takes a very, very long time in answering, perhaps trying to extend her hold on the American public's attention just a wee longer. Gee, what ever will she say next? I have no idea.
"I'm pregnant. And Spencer's the father."
Ha ha, no, Duhg asked her out on a daaaaaaate! "Saved By The Bell" audience, would you kindly join me in a drawn-out "wooooooo!" You know, I don't even watch the "next time on" previews and even I could see that coming. Stephanie sports a self-satisfied smile upon her face as she wonders aloud whether LC would be mad at her. Ummmm. Okay, two things: 1) It's not a matter of her being mad, it's a matter of decency on your part not to bang someone your friend just banged, even if they asked very politely for a bangin'. 2) DUH of course she'll be pissed!
Blahdrina doesn't dissuade her but does advise her to wait until LC comes back and be a biotch to her face, rather than behind her back. Because everyone living on the planet knows how LC feels about traitors.
I just thought it was funny that this photo came up when I Google Image Searched "crazy bitch."
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Comments (14)
I loved it!! Great job O.Snapp!
This episode was actual more chock full of activity - unlike other episodes. Or maybe it was just chock full of Blahdrina retelling the same story to whoever would listen.
Did anyone else think it was odd that we never found out who Lauren went to Italy with?! All of her friends stayed behind! Surely it wasn't work-related or Whitney would have gone. Would her friend have agreed to come back 2 days early?! Weird!
1 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:11 AM
I think I read many moons ago that she went with her family. This still does not explain the early return.
Also, did you guys notice that the picture in Heidi's camera looks nothing like what's in front of the lens? Weeeeiiiirddd.
XO-snapp
2 of 14 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:41 AM
Even the word "Jesus" sounds fake in Heidi's mouth.
3 of 14 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 24, 2008 12:00 PM
hahhaaa!
great recap O.snapp!
think italy was a "family vacay" but doubt she ever left LA at all...
and who really cares about doug anyway? why does lauren care? didn't she break it off with him? doubt highly he would ever even look at steph, but in this scenario he gets more screen time, more drama. and lay off the gloss doug, gross...
heard that brody's mom linda was the one dating elvis when he died...though its hard to tell who she is with all the surgeries. (scary! catwoman?)
recaps are consistently better than the show. explain to me why i am still watching...?!
: 0
4 of 14 | Posted by rightgrrl | Posted on September 24, 2008 12:05 PM
Fabulous JOB, O.Snapp! I swear, the way you described this episode... it was actually kind of interesting (in a way that actually watching this dreck is not). Thank you for taking yet another MTV bullet for the rest of us!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. I hear ya about the fuckability of Italians... and don't get me started on the Portuguesos, either, ay!
5 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 24, 2008 6:38 PM
Ah, so THAT is how you spell neener! I have always wondered, because na na na na boo boo just looks stupid. Erm, so does neener. Scratch that.
Great recap!
Good to hear about Italy - I am heading over there (by myself, no less) next April for 2 months. I'm currently single...
6 of 14 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on September 24, 2008 11:21 PM
I stopped watching The Hills after Heidi's old co-worker at Bolt (I can't remember her name, but she said she'd work for Heidi when in reality she had quit the company) gave her the old what-for. That was awesome. After that, I just couldn't take it anymore.
Glad to see I'm not the only one who hates Lo. I hated her even when she was just on the show once a year, for pete's sakes!
Add me to the list of people who say, "I don't watch the show, but I enjoy the recaps." This, my friend, is a phrase I have become all too familiar with (just read any comments of Million Dollar Listing). Kudos to you!
7 of 14 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on September 25, 2008 1:01 PM
Elodie! That's her name.
8 of 14 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on September 25, 2008 3:43 PM
O. Snapp,
NO!! I didn't even notice that about the camera! I was going to take a look at it when I was reading the recap, but I just got lost in reading the recap and forgot! That IS strange!!
9 of 14 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on September 25, 2008 4:04 PM
Painful episode, awesome recap.
Given Stephanie's history of substance abuse, it would make sense for Spencer to have the same problem...maybe that's why he behaves so erratically. And why he bugged out when Heidi's sister stayed with them....where was he going to use?? He does have a lot of behaviors and attitudes that point to drug abuse.
Just saying!
10 of 14 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on September 25, 2008 6:07 PM
ok O.snapp
i thought the screen cap where heidi took the pic of her and spencer looked weird at first too, until i noticed that it actually WAS a pic of them, only she's holding the camera at a weird angle and that it mostly shows him and not her...
he is dead center and she is cut off at the side of the pic, check it out again and you'll see.
of course the only camera that heidi would actually pose for would be MTVs (or maybe the US weekly paps) so the digital pic she was taking really doesn't matter anyway...
11 of 14 | Posted by rightgrrl | Posted on September 25, 2008 11:43 PM
Also, LOL at the "crazy bitch" picture.
If I'm not mistaken, that is Svetlana Khorkina, the former Russian queen of gymnastics who retired after Athens.
But lol anyway.
12 of 14 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on September 26, 2008 11:51 AM
Lo must have been really thirsty; she had THREE drinks with her when she and Blah had lunch.
13 of 14 | Posted by blairwaldorf | Posted on September 28, 2008 9:53 AM
"Perhaps he, Bro, Wahler, Coletti and that French dude all get together for poker Mondays while they sit around, drink beer and talk about LC's well-advertised lady parts."
THAT was just WRONG!!! Funnny as hell, but WRONG!!!!
14 of 14 | Posted by purplepixie | Posted on September 28, 2008 9:57 PM