You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight's show was one of those... only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we've come to expect. I don't know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it's okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won't you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don't show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y'all!
We open in an unfamiliar territory. It seems to be some sort of office space, but considering the fact that we haven't seen anyone work in, like, four weeks that seems a highly unlikely setting. I'm wrong, it's Bolthouse (remember them?) now known as SBE (or has it always been called that and I just don't care enough to pay attention to the finer details?) and Heidi is entering Brent's office and closing the door, which could signal the beginning of one of two possible scenarios: either she's having the dreaded "give me a raise or I leave" talk, or it's the beginning of a very bad porno. Or a very good porno, depending on which side of the Heidi fence you straddle.
"Let's just keep this between you... and... me..."
Golden tresses perfectly cascading, Heidi inquires as to Brent's well-being. He replies that he's "crazy, but in a good way." The last person who said that was Britney. I'm not falling for it again! In a none-too-subtle publicity push for SBE, Heidi remarks upon the expansion of the company's presence "all over the country" and says she wants to be as much a part of it as she can, and in a poorly overdubbed line, some lie about not minding the possibility of relocating. Come now, how could that be true when you just tried (and failed) to get the Hollywood sign temporarily changed to "Heidiwood?" In any case, I don't blame her for throwing herself into her "work" now that she has no friends or fucks to occupy her time, mind, and iPhone. What else is there to do?
Brent babbles on in officespeak about brands, markets, and daunting paces, to the earnest (if lightly bewildered) face of Heidi. All she hears is "casino" and "Las Vegas" and throws her name immediately into the hat. "I am up for the challenge," she promises. So why does she look so goddamn worried?
"Market, market, market... like a farmer's market?"
At the LauLoBlah Hacienda, LC and Lo are basking in the glory of wealthy California living. The sound of birds chirping, ice clinking, and skin baking can be heard as they relax among the hibiscus and lapping pool water of their new home. Lo has certainly situated herself as Best Friend to LC (nearly vying for top spot on the show) by acting at once omnipotent yet uncaring, rolling her head around in the sunshine and dotting her sentences with the response, "Coo'." You know you're better than everyone else when you no longer feel the need to use the L. Yet Lo must be cautioned not to veer into Disinterested Trophy Wife/MILF territory too soon, as she does her fair amount of glass-swirling and laissez-faire philosophizing poolside.
"Eh. Let the kids drive themselves to soccer practice."
Something about the similarity in those dresses makes me sure that LC's promoting her own clothing line on her own show. Cross-pollination takes an incestuous leap forward! "Let's do something fun today," Lo suggests, in stark contrast to her usual proposals for manual labor and the conceptualization of abstract theory. Just then, Blahdrina emerges from her Blahcave, which by now surely reeks of Dep hair gel, motorcycle grease and that indefinable dirt smell associated with homelessness since Pigpen's been hanging around. Blah, with her black Winehouse beehive, is wearing an outfit in total opposition to Lo and Lau's cabanawear: she's got on a green (oh my! colors!) tank, black pants and black knee-high boots. Damn you, L.A. Any town that can produce both that look and a beach dress in one day (in the same backyard, no less!) just plain confuses me.
« Dancing with the Stars: Judges Don't Drink the Black and Tan | | Hollywood Junket Queen »
Comments (17)
Great recap! I am embarrassingly addicted to this stupid show...I mean lauren is so boring...blah is, well blah. And Lo is such a bitch...but I love it! And Justin Bobby is looking good...especially since the only other guys on the cast are Heidis bosses and pubey faced Spencer. Looking forwward to the season finale recap...
1 of 17 | Posted by bmo1126 | Posted on May 7, 2008 12:54 PM
How can you even compare Alkaline Trio to the pop punk of today? Fall Out Boy? Yeesh. I mean, I'll grant you the similarities of Chicago bands, and the fact that Alkaline Trio basically laid the groundwork for a shitton of punk music. But they are NOT the same. Much darker, much better, much less poppy.
Also, they just signed on to a major record label this year and had an LP release, so this is the record company's bullshit. Don't hold it against them that they're forced to do this. Blame the fatcats in the industry.
You have offended me O. Snapp. Musically, which is the worst to me.
In conclusion, "fuck, even Bella" is a great name for a dog.
2 of 17 | Posted by Treadingonme | Posted on May 7, 2008 1:24 PM
I agree with you about the Vegas trip not being a big deal. They tried to make a big deal with Lauren and Brody when she went to Paris too. I don't know when it became a relationship deal-breaker to go out of town for business for a couple days. Oh wait, yes I do...I somehow forgot how fake the Hills is. They have to make big deals about stupid stuff that normal people wouldn't care about so they can make storylines! I better tell my boyfriend I'm going out of town for the weekend, do you think he'll freak? He might break up with me though!!!
Lo sucks.
3 of 17 | Posted by MrsBojangles | Posted on May 7, 2008 1:41 PM
Lo is a stupid spoiled bitch that seriously didnt even need to be on this show.
4 of 17 | Posted by loves2play05 | Posted on May 7, 2008 3:15 PM
I find it funny that people keep calling Lo a bitch.
She just seems like the kind of person who gets tired of women who keep going back to their jerkwad exs. Maybe she just doesn't want to be around blah. She knows she be crying again in 2 or 3 weeks when JB craps all over her again. It can get tiresome.
Didn't see her around much when LC went back to Jason...just saying.
5 of 17 | Posted by kuddlez | Posted on May 7, 2008 3:38 PM
Well, Lo actually is a bitch... "in real life" so despite what you see on camera... at least ya know what she's like when she's not "acting." wait now im even confused as to who the real Lo is. Maybe being a bitch in real life was her just practicing for the show... ah, what "laguna beach fame" can do for you.
6 of 17 | Posted by hollagirl2 | Posted on May 7, 2008 6:53 PM
Awesome recap again, O. Snapp! I loved all the captions (the NAAS one might have been my favorite, though) and all the different names for abodes. Nice work.
And, yeah, Lo is a total bitch, but I've been saying that since the LB days. I wish she would own it, though, instead of pretending she's perky and sweet. Nothing's more annoying than that kind of fake.
7 of 17 | Posted by kristin_d_l | Posted on May 7, 2008 7:23 PM
I just wanted to say that Chloe is indeed a pet name. My cat is named Chloe =). Also, maybe Spencer was wondering where the hell Heidi could have been because she doesn't have any friends to go out with besides his sister.
8 of 17 | Posted by chickadee2586 | Posted on May 7, 2008 11:39 PM
I never heard the title "project manager" come out of Brent's mouth but then again I was paying too much attention to that chick formally known as Heidi. Between staring at her over-injected mouth and her constant moving of hair, I couldn't stay focused on the convo.
9 of 17 | Posted by BBFanatic | Posted on May 8, 2008 8:31 AM
"I'm boooorrrred! Talk to meeeee!" I still think the oil bladder is a good idea....
10 of 17 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on May 8, 2008 10:10 AM
wait, when did Heidi's brother die? I didn't hear about this.
I agree with everyone whos says that Lo is a bitch. Yeah Lo and Lauren have been friends for a long time, but they actually didn't start out that way. I guess when they were in elementary school or junior high....Lo was kind of one of the 'popular' girls and Lauren and her weren't friends. Eventually they did become friends. I have the 'Laguna Beach, Life inside the bubble' book. What? Am I the only one?
Why do people hate Justin Bobby so much? He's hot! He's always been hot. I'm team JB. Here's to hoping Audrina or even Lauren will put Lo in her place.
I can't wait for Lo to get sprung on some guy and then get her heart stomped on so she knows what it feels like and actually have some sympathy for these girls instead of being so cold hearted. I swear, I hate friends like these.
11 of 17 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on May 8, 2008 10:24 AM
Very, very funny recap O. Snapp. Thank you very much for the good read.
Lo is really turning out to be quite the bitch, huh? I can't believe Lauren is that unaware. It seems like every season she has a new best friend, someone new to "greet her" in the opening credits sequence.
Oh, and did anyone else notice Spencer's shoes changed from when he got out of his car (white sneakers) to when he walked into Heidi's apartment (black sneakers)? Hmmmmm! Suspicious! (Or does he change his shoes for each activity: "These are my driving shoes, and these are my barging-into-my-exgirlfriend's-apartment-shoes!")
12 of 17 | Posted by amyeditor | Posted on May 8, 2008 10:53 AM
^^ Amyeditor- Actually, Perez Hilton had a post about that yesterday. Spencer's shoes were one color when he was at the door of the apartment, and another color when he was walking through it.
Also, loved the message he left for Stephanie, forget how it went, but ripe with bad slang, ending with "lates", for later? Loser.
13 of 17 | Posted by mo knows | Posted on May 8, 2008 12:47 PM
i love your re-caps. u are so frickin funny, and clever. :)
amyeditor- i didnt notice that at all, now i will have to watch the damn thing again. but in O.Snapps last screen-cap, spence is in white shoes, inside heidi's apt. so i dont thin k he changed them when getting out of the car, walking through the door, and back again. this show bothers me becasue we see all of the photos of heidi and spence(unfortunalty) all over US mag and celeb gossip sites, so we know they are still together, amnd basically always have been. The staged their "breakup" and reuntited-ness to sell mags and make cash. besides that i never really seen them break up, there is a new pick every fuckin day of them being total jackoffs and posing for the camera. and i cannot stop looking at heidis face. she has the wierdest and most annoying facial expressions, and she tries to act all sophisticated and professional and it comes off looking like she has some kind of disease or something. she looks and acts so FAKE FAKE FAKE. The old heidi of LB and season 1, was fun loving and normal. now she is a freak. and i hate LC's clothing line. im sorry that is not fashion. the clothes are as boring as she is.
14 of 17 | Posted by partysunflower | Posted on May 8, 2008 12:49 PM
Awesome recap!! Laughed out loud many, many times. I'm a bit disappointed about Lo's behavior on the show...I thought she would be a nice addition to the show...instead she seems to bring an uncomfortable tension. Hopefully things will change!
15 of 17 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on May 8, 2008 2:15 PM
jozeyg - I completely agree...JustinBobby has always been hot! I actually liked him scruffy as well, but I also like him clean shaven....he seems to have shaped up some too and had some good advice.
as far as Heidi...I can't stand the girl. Who says "that's brilliant" to their boss...mine would probably look at me like I had 5 heads if I said that...
Lo is a b*tch and I almost dislike Lauren just as much for letting it happen...the girl needs to take some of her own advice...Lo is not a nice girl!
16 of 17 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on May 9, 2008 6:52 AM
Hahaha loved that the dog bit LC on the boob, but there is nothing to bite. She and Lo have the exact same bodies (except lo is a little bigger) but no curves whatsoever.
17 of 17 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on May 10, 2008 10:04 PM