On the streets of Los Angeles there roams a dangerous presence. It makes you do bad things and it... it has disgusting facial hair. That's right, it's Captain Doucheface, and he and Spence are out for a boys' night. All I've got to say is, I've known guys who drove around aimlessly with red, sweaty faces, danced in their cars to innocuous hip hop music, and rhymed with little to no style at all while giggling over nothing. Do you know what I call those guys? Stoners. Deadbeats. Ne'er-do-wells.
Meanwhile, out for sushi, Ms. Pratt and almost-Mrs.-Pratt, gussied to their finest, Cinderella dewiest, are talking about the former's interview with the beast of People's Revolution. Curiously, Steph is only telling Heidi about the good parts of the interview (of which there is only one: the fact that she read her resumè. If you can call that a good part). Heidi complains that Spencer has a double life. Steph blames it all on Charlie, whom she claims is a bad influence. I'll buy that. Before him, Steph says, Spencer was "good husband material." I will NOT buy that. No thank you, Vanna. Stephanie suggests that since the boys are out, they should go out too. "Where?" Heidi says innocently. "EVERY BAR THAT WOULD BE GOOD TONIGHT." Hey, I have an idea, how about the bar you know your douchey fiancée will be at? Stephanie agrees. "You need to know where he is," she urges Heidi. Ugh, this has trouble written all over it.
To a pop punk cover of "Toxic," we join the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Douche at H-Wood, where they're discussing jukebox tunes with Stacie and her friends, who both look exactly like Stacie. You know how freaky it is when Stephanie, Heidi and Holly are all standing next to each other? This is the Bizarro version of that.
Heidi and Stephanie enter and, appalled at their correctness of Spencer's infidelity, Heidi marches over to Spencer. With Italian-level hand gestures, she demands, "What. THE FUCK. Are you doing?" Thank you! Is that so hard to say? Haven't we all been waiting for her to say that every episode we've ever seen of this show?
She begins accusing him of having more shots with Stacie (the horror!) and Charlie stands up to instruct Heidi to chill. Stephanie shows her support by calling Charlie "the worst influence ever." Burn! Spencer, suddenly looking terrified at Heidi's voice (which is growing more hysterical by the moment) tells Heidi nothing's going on, in fact, they should join them. As Heidi laughs maniacally at this idea, Stephanie leans over and tells Heidi, "look at how she's dressed, she's obviously a slut." What! Now that's pretty harsh, thank you for stepping up your game, Stephanie.
Stacie naturally takes offense to this and politely requests that Stephanie repeat her insult. "You're a home-wrecker, WHAT!" Stephanie shouts. "Do you have pants? Do you even have pants in your closet?" she asks. Stacie raises an eyebrow, takes a swig of champagne and yells at Stephanie that she looks like a dog on account of her hideous fur vest. Well, that one I'll give to her. Stephanie has nothing to say to that except, "You're such whores." WOW. Now I can see why they brought Stephanie onto this show. I feel like Jerry Springer should be coming on-screen any moment to reflect and tell us to take care of each other while Stacie smashes a chair over Stephanie's head in the background.
Just as Spencer is joking for everyone to excuse his sister, as "she's not housebroken," Heidi sighs and tells Spencer, "I'm done. Don't call me, don't talk to me, I want nothing to do with you." It sounds nice, but we've all heard that before.
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Comments (13)
I'm so happy you included the pantsless screen shot. I was watching that the other day thinking it was sort of the icing on the recapping cake.
1 of 13 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on April 15, 2009 8:54 AM
i recently watched some episodes of season 1 online, and let me say it is so disturbing to see how much heidi has changed since then! in season 1, she looks and acts like a real human being!
2 of 13 | Posted by fineprint | Posted on April 15, 2009 11:37 AM
I was seriously horrified for Stephanie when Kelly tested out her French skills and it was TOTALLY obvious that Stephanie had exaggerated her French speaking abilities.
I took French for 9 years of my life (required in Canada, being a bilingual nation and all) and I am still not confident enough to put it on my resume and I understood what Kelly said! So Stephanie...yeesh.
3 of 13 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 15, 2009 2:29 PM
What did Kelly say, by the way?
I imagine it's something like the French equivalent of, "Ahookersays quoi?"
4 of 13 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on April 15, 2009 4:00 PM
Haha, not quite.
Actually, the beginning of Kelly's sentence doesn't make any sense at all, or at least she's speaking too fast for me to pick out what she says.
It sounds like "Ce n'est sais" but that means "This is not know" which of course, makes no sense. She also said "parle avec moi dans le francais" which means "speak with me in the French". "Dans" is completely unnecessary. She could just have said "parle francais avec moi".
But the rest of it made much more sense and at the end of the day, she said something to the effect of "That's good. If you know it, speak only French with me."
I'm not sure if she meant that she wanted to speak French for the rest of the interview or if she meant she wanted Stephanie to converse in French in the workplace.
Ah well. Stephanie clearly can only understand the very, very basic, so it doesn't matter much what Kelly meant.
5 of 13 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 15, 2009 6:57 PM
Great recap once again. if only Heidi really meant what she said. I'm sorry but I need to ask a totally unrelated question: WHERE ARE THE GREY'S ANATOMY RECAPS???!!!
What's going on? Two weeks without Greys is like fat free milk...
6 of 13 | Posted by nyla23 | Posted on April 16, 2009 4:38 AM
Kelly Cunt gives me the creeps! She looks like something demonic. When the cunt asked LC if she knew anyone who would wanna work for her.....well, I was able to figure out this plot all by myself!
Steph said she was 'up all night' doing her resume. BS! I can sit here and do a resume in 20 minutes. Since steph has Zero Jobs and no experience and her hobbies include spreading rumors and starting shit, it should have only took her 8 minutes to do a resume.
I have never laughed so hard as when i saw Charlie,who looks like he is 50 yrs old, 'gettin down' with Spencer in the car. That monotone voice that Spencer uses is so psychotic! I sure am glad that Stacie and her pussy, oh i mean Posse,rolled out tonight~ WORD.
Stacies friends looked just like her. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.
I didnt quite understand how Heidi and steph knew that Spencer was at that club. Or,does MTV want us to believe that they just happened to walk into the very same club that Spenc and his hommo charlie were in??
I do hate that Heidi hit that dog on the way to the club. At least Steph had the good sense to make use of the fur and not let it go to waste.
7 of 13 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 16, 2009 7:12 AM
LOVED THE RECAP!!! Especially the quote under the screengrab of Stephanie in her interview with Kelly "OMG! I wish you were concerned with me being too skinny right now!" Or something to that effect. Too hilarious!
I thoroughly enjoyed Heidi giving Spencer the 'What for' in the last scene. I watched it twice just to see if it were rehearsed. Seeing her like that reminded me of how proud of her I was when she broke up with Jordan in Season 1 of The Hills. She was firm, coherent, and knew how she wanted to be treated. She USED to have a backbone! D@mn this economy! Was it repossessed?!
Perhaps this "therapy" thing is only for the show. How/why else would Spencer ever apologize to Lauren for all of his errors (and Heidi agree to marry him) unless he were reformed somehow. This angle is lame like the finale of Seinfeld when they all went to prison.
8 of 13 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 16, 2009 8:05 PM
And Charlie is creepy. Where did they find that dude? We haven't seen him in 5 seasons and all of a sudden he's a homie?! Wouldn't he naturally also be a friend of Brody's? What if he is Spencer's older brother? Same flesh colored facial hair. Gross.
9 of 13 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 16, 2009 8:07 PM
So is anybody going to answer my Greys Anatomy question? ThatsWhatSheSaid???!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by nyla23 | Posted on April 17, 2009 12:09 AM
Nyla:
I dont watch G.A., so I dont know. I do wish someone would recap Jon and Kate plus 8 and The Duggars.
11 of 13 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on April 17, 2009 6:03 AM
Nyla I believe that the commenter "thatswhatshesaid" and the recapper are 2 different people...I have read that on the comments board before...the recapper has an ' in the name...so it's that'swhatshesaid...subtle difference but a difference!!
12 of 13 | Posted by Lnnc92 | Posted on April 17, 2009 7:55 AM
greys anatomy has not been new for a couple of weeks
this show is so bad it is good, if it was any longer than 1/2 hour I dont think I would be able to watch, 22 minutes is a lot of bad acting.
13 of 13 | Posted by carol | Posted on April 18, 2009 10:05 AM