This week on The Hills, a lot of important groundwork was laid for later plot developments (because of tonight, we know that Lauren's gonna have to fire her dipshit new intern and Blahdrina is TOTES gonna hook up with Broday), plus Spencer and Heidi hone their old-married-couple shtick by going even further than fighting all the time and never having sex anymore: they go to couples therapy.
We open at a dive bar, where LC and Blahdrina (rocking the "idiot beat poet" look in a darling black turtleneck) are boozing it up and reminiscing about the good old days when they'd come there to troll for men. As though the inheritance and international fame weren't bait enough. LC notifies Blahdrina that there's a cute boy over yonder, but when Blah sneaks a peek, LC rolls her eyes, moaning, "don't look don't look!" Yeah, easy to be subtle when you're followed around by a DP and line producers.
Blahdrina announces that she's on the prowl, which can only mean trouble for the world's homeless population, but that she's excited about it. Sure. LC says, "You seem happeeeee, that's goooood," in her usual wistful way that signals pity for the lonely singleton. Blah asks LC to send over any single guys she might like. By "single guys" she means Broday. And by "might like" she means "totally do, and probably without a condom."
After the intro, the title of the episode is revealed as "Crazy In Love," and I'm racking my brain to try to figure out who the hell they could possibly be talking about on this show. LC is notoriously dried up, or at least pretends to be; Blahdrina just announced the grand opening of her vagina with 20% off coupons; Spencer and Heidi loathe each other so much that each can't give the other the satisfaction of breaking up; and Stephanie... well, I don't think a gossipy text signals a reunion with Camwrong. Ummmm Kelly Cutrone? Please God?
At People's Revolution, LC asks Stephanie for the Style Number of a garment she's folding. Steph gives her a "I'm trying really hard not to sigh in boredom" glare, then asks, "Sooooo, is this, like, what you do all the time?" Uh, work? Yeah. Steph feigns enthusiasm by widening her eyes when LC describes assisting stylists and running errands. Honestly, I'm not even joking on that part, that's verbatim.
Then the reign of terror begins. From afar we hear Kelly Cutthroat's shrill, demanding voice uttering Stephanie's name. She enters the room, reprimanding Steph for treating a box like a garbage. She storms around the work area, snapping at Stephanie and dumping out the box of clothes that Quack-adoodle just folded. Poor Stephanie can only stare in silence, unable to defend herself as logic and bravery do not run in her genes.
Of course, everything Cutthroat says, although bitchy, makes complete sense. After her tirade, Stephanie meekly makes an organizational suggestion, on which Cutthroat cautiously compliments her. "I am watching you, Stephanie Pratt," Cutthroat says wickedly before storming off in a whirlwind of evil, which generally consists of black confetti and sulfuric fog. It's kind of awesome, actually. LC turns to head back to her desk and Stephanie whispers desperately, "Where are you going??" LC glares. "Back to work?..." Oooh, zing!
Hey, did you know that Heidi is still working at Bolthouse? Me neither. Evidently there's still some lighting equipment lingering so they've decided to shoot a confrontation scene there for this week. Spencer calls Heidi from the parking lot and identifies himself as her "favorite stalker." Yet another sign of their healthy relationship. She emerges like an angel of obnoxiousness and asks standoffishly, "Can I help you?" "You can lose the attitude," Spencer replies. Thanks, Dad. For some unknown reason, Heidi brought her gigantic purse along, even though we all know they're just going to be sitting in the car in the parking lot, site of so many useless confrontations.
Spencer says he really doesn't want to feel, at 25, that he can't go out with his friends and have drinks with other girls. Well, honey, there's a very simple solution to that. Cheat on your wife, just not on NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Heidi accuses him of seeing Stacie The Bartender behind her back, to which Spencer's only defense is, "She's not my type. I'm into blondes." And spineless idiots. Heidi brings up the therapist suggestion again and Spencer begins to refuse, but Heidi cuts him off with a firm pussywhip.
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Comments (13)
So happy your recaps are back!
Remember when Hobo Joe was a member of Broday's crew for, like, a second? What happened to that?
The Brodester's girlfriend is not that cute.
Why was LC so disappointed she couldn't tag along to Hawaii (and -- spoiler alert! --I think she DOES go at some point this season, there were pics in US). Doesn't she remember that sucky trip to Cabo where every 18-23 year old with a C cup within a 200 mile radius was invited to that pool party?
1 of 13 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on April 23, 2009 10:49 AM
I love Kelly Cutrone. I SO do. She's amazing. Wouldn't want her as a boss, but she's hilarious to watch.
I also enjoyed the therapy session (and I'm sad you didn't commen on this) when the therapist just looked at Speidi in disgust and said "This sounds like high school." and then she said (I swear she said this) that they should end it if they can't work it out. I laughed in delight.
Oh, the Hills.
2 of 13 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 23, 2009 10:55 AM
Guess my spoiler alert wasn't so spoil-y. All the stupidity of this episode must caused synapses in my brain to shut down or something cause I totally missed the part where the girls decided to go to Hawaii, sorry!
3 of 13 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on April 23, 2009 10:55 AM
Stephanie is a nincompoop. That phone thing had to have been bad acting. She hung up like she was afraid of who was on the other end and then, wide-eyed, said, "I think I just hung up on somebody!" 8O (Steph's expression). Dingaling. I'd rather Kelly Cutrone fire her. THAT would be a ratings grab! She's so intimidating. I wonder if she enjoys it? We sure do!I'm STILL laughing at last week's screengrab of Stephanie panicking in the interview. "OMG!!" HAHAHAHAA!
And I agree! Why would the girls want to go to Hawaii??? There can't be any good that comes from it! Especially for Lauren.
Very random of Stephanie to come and sit with Brody all chummy like at the club and then he calls SPENCER?! Dude, this show is sooooo written since it's the last season.
I agree, the show would be better if Heidi and Spencer were embittered exes. War of the Roses anyone? Good stuff! Maybe they can do that once Lauren leaves, if they decide to do a season 6 without her.
4 of 13 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 23, 2009 11:12 AM
I love the screen cap about Pigpen being in the box, hilarious :)
5 of 13 | Posted by pixyamiga | Posted on April 23, 2009 12:58 PM
O.M.G. your recaps are hilarious...but that last caption almost made me spill gatorade all over my keyboard!
6 of 13 | Posted by pecosa | Posted on April 23, 2009 1:13 PM
In case anyone is actually interested. Brody's girlfriend is January 2007 Playmate (and PMOY 2008) Jayde Nicole.
7 of 13 | Posted by fluffy | Posted on April 23, 2009 2:39 PM
she (Jayde) looks better in pictures than on camera! she was fug on the show, but a few of the pictures I saw of her on google she was really pretty... hmmm..
and Blah was looking considerably better at the end of this ep! her dead eyes didn't freak me out nearly as much..
8 of 13 | Posted by Lady_Ace | Posted on April 23, 2009 4:00 PM
oh and one more thing..
LC needs to lose the plaid button-ups ... they're cute, but not every day! she wore at least 2 different ones this ep... blech!
9 of 13 | Posted by Lady_Ace | Posted on April 23, 2009 4:01 PM
It really makes me mad that someone who as successful as Kelly Cutrone would hire a dumbass like Stephanie. Does she really need publicity that bad? Why would you try to harm your own company on purpose.
Brody's girlfriend is ugly/scary looking. She reminds me of that girl in the Craft. I wonder what Kim, Kourt and Kloe think of her.
It makes me feel awkward for the girls when they decided to just show up in Hawaii..hopefully that was just for the cameras and the guys know they're coming, otherwise it looks kinda pathetic.
How come it's just okay to say Audrina is going to hook up with Brody even though he has a gf that they all know? So now Lauren is ok with Audrina hooking up with Brody as well as her getting into the middle of a couple?
If I were Heidi and I wanted to speed up therapy to solve my problems, I would hand the therapist Seasons 2, 3 & 4 of the Hills on DVD, and maybe throw in season 1 for some background on heidi's history....the therapist could spend the weekend watching and the next session she'll be well-informed.
10 of 13 | Posted by winks523 | Posted on April 24, 2009 8:16 AM
winks i was just thinking the same thing. don't Lau and Brody have like a "thing"? You know, like Stephen Colleti type thing? I know for a fact that LC won't be impressed. Great recap btw.
11 of 13 | Posted by nyla23 | Posted on April 24, 2009 8:51 AM
I can't believe Brody's girlfriend was Playmate of the Year. Shows what Photoshop and airbrushing can do. Seriously, apparently she's 23 but she looks like she's had so much facial work done that she already appears like a 45-year-old TRYING to be a 23-year-old.
12 of 13 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on April 24, 2009 12:23 PM
Heidi and Spencer are legally married now!
Isn't that just so sweet? Oh, wait... I just want to barf.
I'd post a link to the article but we can't on this forum!!
GOOOGLE!
13 of 13 | Posted by whit-ster | Posted on April 27, 2009 9:17 AM