I kill pets.
This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday...what is it, 65?I can't tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I miss anything? Probably not. Insert Troll and Trendy restaurant.
Oh Hey, it's the Hills, seen through the lens of bottles and bottles of pumpkin beer. Tis the season!
This episode starts with a long, unsexy walk on the beach, Broahday and Kristin style.
Yah, we're just catchin' some waves, catchin' some STDs. Talkin' about life...
I love how all the dumb bitches on this show want to know the "status" of stuff. "Sooo...are you, like, broken up? Are you on a break? " I wish I could answer for everyone who gets asked that by saying, "well, my fake relationship is on hiatus, but if you mean am I available to fuck people on or off camera, that's a 'yes' as usual."
Then, they go through hypotheticals...like, what if we dated? Ugh. Come on, just fuck or not fuck, or pour a drink down someone's shirt. Do SOMETHING.
Broahday asks Kristin how long it's going to be before she "divorces" justin bobby. Wow, is that what marriage is like? Sounds...frizzy. And, borderline retarded. Kristin responds with her patented, uneffectual, SHuuT Up!
And cue "unwritten..."
And back to the house of marital bliss.
Enzo's dead body in the basement?
The first shot is a typical day in the Pratt household. I feel like i'm in a slutty time machine, taking be back to the slutty fifties...but also, dumber and more aryan.
Your drink, master.
Okay, maybe it's more Manson family than Dick Van Dyke. But these two would actually never be in the Manson family- Swastikas clash with Ed Hardy, right? Or do they? That's a question for Tim Gunn, if any.
Oh fuck, LBUD wants a birthday. A party, as a gift. And of course, Spencer gives her shit for her not wanting the house. And HBUD retaliates with 2.5 oz. of bitch. Off camera, she will be punished. She WILL be PUNISHED.
You can find HBUD's smile in the corner of the porno house, after it is hit off her face.
On the transition to the next scripted scene, a bar whore.
Hollywood. What's your dream?
At Casa Blah Dead, Blah dead pretends to fold prop laundry.
ew, clothes are hard.
Troll is there...to help?
Wow, they are totally both suckers for blue and white stripes, aren't they. Hahaha, girl talk is so much fun. But SERIOUSLY, vintage shows are fun. And SERIOUSLY, Broahday and Fetal alcohol are on a break. And, HBUD is actually making her husband throw her a party. Wow. OMG, what if Kristin is there? OMG? What if Justin is there? OMG, I have really uncomfortable irritable bowel syndrome. What? I mean, cute, like mini dress. Fuck, my pubic hair is falling out for some reason. What? no, that ring is totally cute.
Cut to pow-wow in studio fifty four, according to Kristin's top.
Smooches! WHERE'S THE BLOW?
Oh, Justin Bobby and Kristin are...chit chatting?
Maybe the shirt is tetris- themed?
Justin Bobby isn't going to LBUD's party because of Blah Dead. OH, who is the drama queen NOW, beeeyotch? Justin Bobby says Blah Dead is going to Befriend Kristin...yeah, you know, because she's so charming and witty.
Mah Jongg tiles?
Justin Bobby, though he isn't going to the party, is SOooooo not threatened by Blah Dead. But seriously, she's like nothing to him. He's just going to jerk off to internet port instead, but not because of Blah. No. I mean, where's my apps? I ordered mozzarella sticks.
Those are chicklets. Definitely.
At the house of slutty, vacant oppressiveness, HBUD has to set up for her own party. Surprise surprise.
Cups are hard...
HBUD thinks that Blah Dead and Kristin are gonna make up, while Spencer thinks they're going to fight and the fuck. I am going to have to agree with Spencer.
Ugh, if there is anyone who makes me want to fucking gouge my own eyeballs out, marinate them, eat them and then do the same ot my ears out of sheer self-loathing, it has GOT to be Bulimia. God, she. Is. So. Dumb. And, she's on her way to HBUD's Bday party with Blah Dead. Oh, Joy!
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Comments (8)
"God, I feel so fucking stupid after watching these piece of shit people interact with one another. Sometimes, I'll do some calculus after I finish my recap just so I can get my brain back to its natural level of functioning. Also, I'm awesome."
Brilliant. If I didn't already think you were awesome, this comment would definitely have thrown you right into awesome.
It's nice to know someone else has the same amount of loathing that I do for these pathetic wastes of clean air. I try so hard not to hate any other human beings and am of a pacifist nature so I wouldn't wish harm on them. But they are bad, bad, bad people and the world would surely be a better place if they did not exist.
Ya know its funny, I used to hate Spencer, but now that I hear his views on reproduction, I'm rooting for him. The last thing we need is more of them. I tend to think most of the humans that exist should cease reproduction though, so I am a bit biased in regards to that particular issue.
I don't know why I subject myself to this crap week after week, and have so for the last way too many years, but it's addictive and I love love/hate it. At least you have a real excuse for watching this trash.
1 of 8 | Posted by Flybsbgirl | Posted on November 7, 2009 10:16 AM
Super funny recap! I thought Kristin's shirt could be a letterless Scrabble board...which would make sense seeing how stupid these people are. Takes the effort out of having to put letters and sounds together!
I, too, am sad that I still watch this show...but I still have suggestions...like, besides the obvious, they could change the theme music. Fire the cast and bring in someone who actually has their own set of friends...At least before I could pretend that all this wasn't too fake...but now, the producers are so outrageously and overtly lazy.
2 of 8 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on November 7, 2009 10:45 AM
(I think it was) Lo's; "gives me the sads" ... what kind of rot is that?? Seems they can come up with anything and make a saying of it ~ as bad as Tyra's "T2T" and "Smize" ..ugh.
*sigh* ...... no wonder people hardly understand each other.
3 of 8 | Posted by WizeChiklet | Posted on November 7, 2009 10:49 AM
oh Ya, and Kristin's shirt looks like a crossword puzzle.
4 of 8 | Posted by WizeChiklet | Posted on November 7, 2009 10:52 AM
What drives me crazy is that Kristin tells Audrina that Justin never was into her and they were never together. Why does Kristin need to focus on that part instead of on her and Justin's relationship? It drives me crazy!! Also, couldn't Kristin go to blockbuster, rent last season and check out the episode where Justin Bobby gives Audrina a ring?
That is not the issue here so if I were Audrina I would have been like F you. I guess Kristin could be trying to prove she's not sloppy seconds?? It just makes no sense, but I guess what else can you expect.
5 of 8 | Posted by winks523 | Posted on November 11, 2009 10:11 AM
That Justin bobby guy is one of the biggest dicks I have ever seen. He needs either a lobotomy, to be castrated, or both.
6 of 8 | Posted by thatdariachick | Posted on November 11, 2009 3:50 PM
thatdariachick, instead of violent things being done to Justin Bobby as you suggested why can't he just be replaced on The Hills by that strapping good looking guy Derek? He and Audrina would make a nice couple and it's time for Audrina to put Justin Bobby out of her mind and move on.
I always want more of Lo on the show. There is something about her that appeals to me. Lo is quite pretty in my eyes and very funny too. :)
P.S. - I don't get why Kristin has to be shadowed by the bartender everywhere she goes on The Hills. It's ridiculous. Kristin needs a real friend on The Hills and not a made for TV bartender.
7 of 8 | Posted by Skylar | Posted on November 11, 2009 7:49 PM
So in Kristin's bedroom she has a lot of books. I don't know why this surprises me, I wonder if they're decorations/props or if she actually reads a lot.
8 of 8 | Posted by blairwaldorf | Posted on November 15, 2009 9:27 PM