This week on MTV, two forces of evil narcissism joined in unholy, legal matrimony, and it was LC's final (finally!) episode on this wretched show. But you know, for the season finale of The Hills, you'd think MTV could have conjured a little more drama over the course of a seemingly unending hourlong episode than Stephanie whining like a 5-year-old and two shocking guest appearances at the wedding... shocking only to anyone who doesn't read US Weekly. And if you don't read US Weekly, what the hell are you doing watching this show? Luckily, we here at TVGasm have come up with a way to spice up this week's proceedings: you are now reading O. Snapp's final recap.
Dry your tears, we have a LONG way to go. Believe me, it will seem like forever. LC tells us in our intro voiceover that she is ready for a big change, and that she and Lo are moving out of their hacienda. Thus we begin at the LauLo Chateau, where LC sighs that she is procrastinating. "Procrastinating....?" Lo repeats, as though she's unsure why someone would be so uncouth as to procrastinate in broad daylight. Rather than break out her dictionary and patience, LC explains that she's just trying to pack up her room without having to do the actual work. Weird that the show's prop masters wouldn't just do it for her.
Lo suggests that they have everyone over for one last fiesta to say goodbye to the LauLo Chateau. LC pouts in agreement. If I were them, I'd clear every single item out and have a Swiffer ballroom blitz. That way, everyone can dance like proper ladies and gents AND they get one final cleaning in. But I'm guessing their party will instead involve a lot of fake boobs and a Jacuzzi. The girls reminisce about their first big party at the house, for Blahdrina's birthday, to which LC winces and remembers naked boys and Lucite heels in the swimming pool. Sounds like a Blahfest to me. I'm just surprised there wasn't loose silicone floating in the pool too. Lo asks Lau what's next for her, to which LC stares off into the distance and replies that, for the first time in a long time, she honestly doesn't know.
It must be hard when your entire life since adolescence has been scripted. Anyway, speaking of Lucite heels...
At the Aryan compound, our blushing bride is busy yapping to Stephanie about her plans for "The Most Extravagant Wedding EVAR," which is to include flowers galore, diamonds, jewels and tiaras, oh my! Heidi's materialism shines through like never before as Stephanie nods and smiles excitedly, not unlike a dog whose owner is asking if she wants to go for a walk. Heidi describes her dress as "swan princess-esque" and mentions that in light of this, she will be requiring real swans to waddle around and roll their eyes at her nuptials along with everyone else. She insists that she wants flowers everywhere, in fact, she wants the damn place to look like a garden. I wonder if she's aware that she could actually have her wedding IN a garden?
Upon Stephanie's inquiry as to the cake (evidently they're planning this wedding in about four days), Heidi responds with every decadent adjective she can think of pertaining to desserts: "White chocolate, mousse, truffle, vanilla, with the berries... you know, Princess Cake." I think a good rule of thumb for Wedding Planner Steph to follow here is that if you can add the word "princess" to the beginning of a phrase, it is appropriate for this gaudy atrocity of a wedding. Heidi explains that the cake should be the best cake that anyone has ever eaten (I did not make that up, she said that), because, you know, "it's the most important part" of the wedding.
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Comments (15)
You had me at "Swiffer Ballroom Blitz."
1 of 15 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on June 4, 2009 4:44 AM
You will be missed OSnapp! I have enjoyed your recaps, but hope you are on to bigger & better things!
2 of 15 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on June 4, 2009 8:27 AM
Good for Lauren...go live your life, girl!
Heidi and Spencer are ridiculous. I wish I had a snarkier comment but I'll leave that up to the recappers. And yes, I will be watching next season (sigh)
O.Snapp, thanks so much for the laughs...good luck to you.
3 of 15 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on June 4, 2009 9:17 AM
thanks o. snapp, for recapping this every week so i didn't have to watch it.
i was always on team kristin. i like that she realizes she's only on the show to bring drama and doesn't want to make friends. is it bad that i somehow think she's above all this petty nonsense that happens on this show?
4 of 15 | Posted by kmh5125 | Posted on June 4, 2009 9:36 AM
We'll miss you, O. Snapp!
kmh5125, you are not the only one on Team Kristin. I always liked Lauren, but Kristin's snarkiness rocks. And she will definitely bring the drama. I'm not ashamed to say that I'll still be watching because of Kristin.
5 of 15 | Posted by maybeimamazed02 | Posted on June 4, 2009 11:12 AM
Nooo Osnapp, you cannot leave.:( More seasons are coming!
6 of 15 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on June 4, 2009 11:20 AM
I love lauren too....but next season looks awesome! Kristin knows how to bring the drama. I love how she said in the previews..'you're messing with the wrong girl!' Oh please someone mess with her......i would looove to see what she would do to them. watch your backs audrina and jayde.
welcome back kristen cavallari. =)
7 of 15 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on June 4, 2009 12:27 PM
Thanks for a Great season O snapp. I dont even bother to watch the show anymore (we are way behind)- I just read the recaps. Good luck.
8 of 15 | Posted by flodence | Posted on June 4, 2009 1:16 PM
Was I the only one who heard the scary music from The Omen when Heidi was marching down the aisle toward her vile excuse for a human being Spencer?
I thought it was appropriate. Must just be in the soundtrack of my mind.
Great recap.
9 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on June 4, 2009 6:04 PM
OH NO! You're leaving us O.Snapp?! I was HOPING you meant you were only leaving us for the season, but would be back next season. :( I will truly miss your recaps! Next season is going to be AWESOME too! I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. You are very talented and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your recaps. Take care!
10 of 15 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on June 4, 2009 9:15 PM
I loved your recaps this season O.Snapp. Please reconsider coming back for the next one!
11 of 15 | Posted by oranges | Posted on June 5, 2009 9:26 AM
And O.Snapp even rhymes w/ recap. Come on!
12 of 15 | Posted by oranges | Posted on June 5, 2009 9:28 AM
I have to echo the sentiments of my fellow posters and say thanks for the excellent recaps! I don't plan to watch next season (I cannot stand Kristen Cavallari) but I will probably read the recaps and I will miss you!
Also, am I the only one who thought that Spencer was in the right at the rehearsal dinner? I mean, I love Holly, but I also would have been furious if my sister was throwing food at my rehearsal dinner and making a drunken, rather embarassing speech.
13 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on June 5, 2009 2:34 PM
You will be missed O. Snapp! this was hands down the BEST RECAP of the year! I could not stop laughing the whole way through (awkward for the people in my office, but whatevs!)
Thanks and much love!
14 of 15 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on June 8, 2009 3:30 AM
First of all, I was seriously dying of laughter at the Charlie sleeping with his eyes open comments. Hilarious! I was surprised at myself while watching this episode. First of all, I thought Charlie's comment about apologizing to LC was pretty mature coming from one of Spencer's friends. I am embarrassed to admit I teared up at Stephanies speech! I also teared up when LC came into the bridal room. I am also shocked to say that I sort of believe Spencer might really want to settle down..at least he FINALLY admitted to the sex tape rumors, he's been denying that for a few seasons now. I think that's a big step. I know I teared up when LC came into the bridal room, but I would have been proud of her if she didn't go to the wedding. Spencer publicly humiliated her! She was right that heidi only wanted her there to validate heidi's decision...at least she didn't go to the reception, how come we didn't get to see the reception?
Also, why did Lauren and Lo move out? Didn't Lauren own the house?
15 of 15 | Posted by winks523 | Posted on June 11, 2009 2:28 PM