Testimonials

LC enters Kelly Cuntface Cutthroat Cutrone's office (*sniff* I'm going to miss her so much!) to talk about needing to spread her wings and fly into her own boring clothing line. She goes about it in a most professional way, reiterating all that she's learned from PR and Teen Vogue, but that now it's time to be more independent. After laughing at her about the first time they met (and LC cried), Mama Cutrone praises LC for how far she's come and agrees that her own happiest times in life were those when she had no plan. LC sighs that she's never had that, and we must believe her because she's been under contract since the age of 16. Mama Bird encourages her little one to leave the nest, just be sure to flap those wings 'cause otherwise you'll go splat like Stephanie Pratt.

At another dreadful traditional gathering, the rehearsal dinner, Spencer compliments Darlene on her dress and pulls Heidi's chair out for her. *twitch* something is wrong with this picture. Stephanie stands up to toast the happy couple and lo and behold, when this girl bothers to slap on some makeup she looks exactly like Heidi.

Is that creepy to anyone else? She gives a rather heartwarming, teary-eyed speech about how much she loves her brother (even though we all know she's sooooo disloyal) and that she knows he will be as protective of Heidi as he has always been of her. She says Spencer loves Heidi more than anything in the world, to which Spencer nods furiously, as though watching someone read lines on a teleprompter he's prepared.

Then Holly gets up, yelling, "Ching ching ching, it's my turn!" and proceeds to drunkenly toast the couple in a way that's neither insulting nor complimentary. Or maybe it's both insulting and complimentary. She says Spencer's always treated her like a sister. And that maybe that can be good or bad. But that's what marriage is about - for better or worse. "You need someone that's gonna call you out on your crap, and he's always done that for me!" She yaps on that since she was a little girl, Heidi prayed for her perfect man and even made concoctions out of sticks and berries in the hopes of conjuring her ideal, just in case that whole God thing didn't work out and it turns out that Wiccan thing was the real deal. And, um, cheers?

Spencer and Stephanie give each other "WTF?" looks as Holly sits down and Darlene says, "That was awesome, Holls!" Rock on! Holly continues her bad behavior by nearly spitting out her gum into her mother's hand and loudly slurring that Spencer and Stephanie's Nana looks like a man. What! No more champagne for this chica. Although, I've gotta be honest with you, if my sister were marrying Spencer, I would not only insist on being drunk the whole time, I'd ask for sedatives. Heavy ones.

Suddenly Stephanie gets all prissy and judgmental. Perhaps she DID learn something all those weeks at People's Revolution.

Holls begins throwing food at Heidi, who pouts and whimpers that a greasy bit got on her brand-new purse and now there's a stain and HER WEDDING IS RUINED!

Holly apologizes profusely, and even though Spencer tries to calm Heidi down, saying, "It's just a possession," (who IS this person?!), Heidi replies that it's a very EXPENSIVE possession, then refuses to speak or look at anyone as she shoves some chicken piccata down her throat in anger. Ugh, you know, it's just hard for me to watch her life go down the drain like this when tragedies like this happen. Luckily, this isn't bad news for everyone!

Stephanie turns to the person sitting nearest her, Charlie. Oh, poor Charlie. She saddles up, hops on and rides along on her high horse about what a shitty maid of honor Holly is. I believe the word she uses is "shenanigans," which, for me personally, ranks just below "high jinks" and "tomfoolery" in my list of favorite words used to insult people's work ethics. I don't know why any man would ever care about the drama of bridesmaiding, but I'm guessing Steph doesn't know Charlie can sleep with his eyes open.

« Fall Preview: Glee: Best. Show. Ever! | Main | New York Goes To Work: Lions and Tigers. No Bears. Oh My! »

Posted in The Hills by O. Snapp at 3:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)
Last Comment: winks523 on Jun 11, 2009 02:28 PM.