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Blahdrina's fetal alcohol syndrome-y eyes droop as she looks toward her former Blahteau and she says it feels weird being at their house and not being able to go into her mini-cottage, which is odd because she hasn't lived there for a really long time. On the outskirts of the group, Broday and Stephanie tinker with a grill (without operating it) and Brody sort of, kind of apologizes in a roundabout way, throwing together fragments of sentences involving people going through hard times and not being trusted and then being solid. Stephanie stares at him silently and accepts his apology, saying now she can stop wearing waterproof mascara. I wouldn't put it away just yet. You still have Spencer to deal with.

She and LC share some quality time together the way women have for generations: in the kitchen, cleaning up. Surrounded by empty bottles of vodka. Stephanie tries one more time to get LC to come to the wedding, but the girl isn't having it. "She needs me to go so that she can know that what she's doing is okay. And I don't think it's okay."

One classic LC zinger remains. When she rejoins the group, Frankie asks her if she's going to go to the wedding. "No, I'll be at her next one," she smiles.

The next day...

Guests arrive at the House of Satan, including Kimberly, whose date is Brent Bolthouse (which may or may not be weird) as well as LC's entire posse but no LC. Will she or won't she? In the Groom Room, Spencer suggests they say a quick prayer. I suggest they say the biggest prayer of their lives. Spencer speaks to "Lord, God, Jesus," whatever his name is, and refers to himself in the third person requesting the grace not to fuck up the most important day of Heidi's life. Because God himself knows how her wrath will rain upon him if he does. Charlie prays that Spencer and Heidi not have a porno kiss at the end of their wedding. This gets Spencer worrying about what the perfect wedding kiss should be like, and what happens if he messes it up?, and at this point he is officially pussywhipped.

In the pews, Lo arrives appropriately dressed and perfectly coiffed. I wonder what her wedding will be like. Why doesn't she live in Connecticut? Whispers arise throughout the church as tension flitters about whether LC will show up. Instead, someone else shows up.

Wow, she will always be "The Bartender," won't she? Not even "Charlie's Friend?" "Charlie's Date?" "Charlie's One-Off For Tonight?" Also, wow, Charlie actually brought her? That manboy has cojones of steel. Doesn't he know what kind of bride he's dealing with?! Also in attendance is Pigpen, looking like these two ushers just broke him out of rehab, jail, or some combination of both.

He sits across the aisle from Blahdrina, stroking his beard and making oddly twitchy smiles at her. In the royal dressing room, for about three seconds here I actually thought Heidi was lighting a joint.

Heidi says she has no nerves but this blingy necklace "officially made me a princess." Holy fucking Christ, if she says that one more fucking time I say we begin an uprising against her and storm L.A. Do you guys remember when she broke up with that guy Jordan "because he doesn't make me feel like a princess?" I guess in a way I'm glad she got what she wanted. No, I'm not. Really though, it's just too bad that only one side of her face is working. The other side just kind of hangs there. Did anybody else notice that?

It's also too bad that she ruined her gorgeous swan of a dress with costume jewelry that makes her look like Madonna on the album cover for Like A Virgin.

Her bridesmaids try to talk her out of accessorizing that which is supposed to already be perfect, but she waves them off, contending that a bride should look like a variety of female deities, including "goddess, princess, amazing person" on her Big Special FUCKING DAY. UGHHH my tolerance for her is very quickly waning.

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Posted in The Hills by O. Snapp at 3:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)
Last Comment: winks523 on Jun 11, 2009 02:28 PM.