Testimonials

She's showing off her bling to some flower girls when the twinkly magic music starts playing and LC walks in, relief washing over the faces of Darlene, Holly and Stephanie. Talk about female deity. This woman saved the day.

Stephanie even seems flabbergasted as she hugs LC and murmurs, "You CAME?!" Darlene gets all choked up and suggests they leave the two alone for a special (and specially broadcast) moment. Heidi explains her Swan Princess theme and LC blurts, "You're, like, Bedazzled!" Heidi asks her if it's too much and LC pauses and quietly says, "It's perfect," conveniently leaving out the end of the sentence, "for someone like you."

In the pews, everyone is getting impatient until the real surprise guest shows up. Sure enough, it's Kristin Cavallari, strutting down the aisle like a witch with a palm full of fire. She's not titled as anyone's "friend," she's Just. Kristin.

She promptly sits down beside Pigpen, solidifying both a love interest and a frenemy (in Blahdrina) for next season in under twenty seconds. How efficient.

Back in the bridal green room, Heidi asks LC why she came. LC replies that regardless of whatever happened, she's happy for Heidi, who smiles broadly and ignores the fact that Lauren was paid to be at her wedding. LC buries her face in her hands and shouts, "Oh my God you're getting married!" Heidi laughs, "I know, it's crazy!"

They share one moment of silence wherein Heidi almost starts to cry. "Don't do it!" LC warns. I see, this was all a ruse, a plan to ruin Heidi's makeup and therefore her wedding and therefore her LIFE! Good plan, LC! Subtle, but clever.

The wedding is about to begin. Spencer and the priest stand up at the altar. LC enters and someone claps exactly once. She sits beside Lo, who chirps, "Kristin Cavallari is here. And you match!"

LC's face falls and she sighs her Lauren Conrad sigh. Good God, this has got to be the worst day of her life. And now the moment we've all been waiting for...

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get down to business. Cowdaddy, complete with cowboy hat, walks his little girl down the aisle and gives her away to giddy Spencer. Meanwhile, Lo makes some telepathic snide remarks to LC.

The blonde lovers stand together in front of the priest, an Aryan dream come true, and Spencer says, "I DO!" when the priest asks if he'll be faithful to his Heidi. During the vows, all of the couples and ex-couples in the pews look meaningfully at each other. Pigpen glances at Blahdrina, Blah tries (and fails) not to look at him, LC looks at Kristin, Kristen looks at Brody, Brody looks at Jayde, who's just kind of staring into space and thinking about breaking bottles over Blahdrina's head. Spencer takes all of his vows, until he gets to the "til death do us part" bit, where he looks away and winces. I can't help but think that all of my hours of watching "Lie To Me" have helped me to spot this untruth.

Heidi, however, remains unfazed and takes her vows with a dreamy tone to her voice. I think I hear 5-year-old Heidi rehearsing her vows and promising to always be a princess. I'm kind of surprised they didn't replace their vows with "for richer or for richest" and "til a bartender do us part." Anyway, now they're officially hitched. I know we all just vomited together a second ago, but, just for old time's sake...

Outside the church, you can hear the screams of the paparazzi as the crowd that was in the church mills about but each star of the show exits on their own. Kristin waves to an off-camera crowd, who cheers for her, and she, Lo, Stephanie and Blahdrina chat about how "funny" it is that she was the one who set up Spencer and Heidi. Lo explains to no one in particular that the two of them went to high school together in Laguna. Um, yeah. We know. Everyone knows.

« Fall Preview: Glee: Best. Show. Ever! | Main | New York Goes To Work: Lions and Tigers. No Bears. Oh My! »

Posted in The Hills by O. Snapp at 3:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)
Last Comment: winks523 on Jun 11, 2009 02:28 PM.